She said, “Joseph, I need a big favor of you. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but please hear me out, ok?”

My only reply was, “Ok, you have 10 minutes and it better be good!”

Her voice quivering, she said, “You remember our son Matthew, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, Cathy.”

“Well, he is 14 now and… well, he is like you.”

“What the fuck does that mean, Cathy?”

“I… I mean … he is, well, he is…”

Dan’s voice came on the phone and he yelled, “What she means is that he is a fucking fag like you. THAT’S WHAT SHE MEANS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

I could tell he had been drinking again. The stupid fuck was never real nice but when he drank he was a real low life. I had never been able to figure out what she saw in him. But I guess she had just gone looking for what she knew from our childhood. Inside I knew that no matter what I might say or how I acted, I still was concerned for her. If I could have I would have taken her away from that situation. But she was a big girl who needed to recognize this for herself before anyone could help.

Then Cathy said, “Dan has kicked him out of the house, can he come and stay with you till things settle down? I mean, he has nowhere to go and I am so worried about him.” Then she broke down again and started to cry.

I was speechless, she had been so homophobic when I came out. Now faced with her own son being gay and she calls me and asks if he can stay with me. A million thoughts raced through my head. What should I do? How awful it must be for Matt! His whole world had just shattered. There was no way I could say no. I could not live with myself if I did. But I knew that I had to be very careful about this. Or I would not be able to help him.

I asked her, “Cathy, where is he, is he ok?”

“He is over at a friend’s house, but he can’t stay there past tomorrow night. They are leaving on vacation in the Saturday morning.”

So I said to my sister, “Matt can come and live with me, but only if you agree to a firm set of conditions.”

She asked me, “What do you mean?”

“Well, first you must give me written authority to have him come live with me. You can send legal documents later but I need a letter that allows me to enroll him in school, to take him to hospital or to doctors for treatment. If you send him up here to live with me, you must agree that he does not have to come back till he is ready. What you two are doing is devastating to a child. I won’t have him become some pawn in a game. If he comes here it will be long term till you both can accept him for who he is. Not throw him out on the street like the trash.”

Dan was still ranting and raving in the background but at least he did not come back on the phone. They had our whole conversation on speakerphone.

Then I heard Dan say, “He can have the little faggot, good riddance! Tell him we will send a letter with him, authorizing him to have him treated or enroll in school.”

By this time I was shaking with rage, how dare that bastard treat his son like this. But I forced myself to calm down and think of Matt and how he must be feeling. I told Cathy that I would pay for bus fare for Josh and that they could pick up the ticket at the bus station tonight. I did not want Matthew to be exposed to any more trauma than he had already endured. They agreed that they would call a cab to take him to the bus station. Then I got the phone number where Matt was staying. I told my sister goodbye and I hung up before I was tempted to tell them both what I really thought of them!

After hanging up on Cathy, I called the bus station and purchased the ticket for him.

Then I rang the number Cathy had given me. A man’s sleepy voice answered the phone, asking, “Who is this?”

I explained that I was Matt’s uncle and that he was going to be coming to live with me. I also explained that I needed him to be ready in an hour. That I had purchased a bus ticket for him and that a cab would be coming to pick him up shortly. He informed me that Cathy had called while I was arranging the bus ticket and that he would make sure that Matt made it safely on the bus. Then I asked him if Matt was in any shape to talk on the phone.

He replied, “I think so, let me get him for you.”

After a long pause I heard someone come to the phone. Then I heard my nephew’s nervous voice, “Hi, uncle, is it true I am coming to live with you?”

I could hear the hurt and fear in his voice. It about broke my heart to hear him like this.

I replied, “Yes you are, Matt,” making my voice as positive as possible in spite of my fears and worries about taking on a teenager. I had never been a parent and I had no idea if I was up to the task or not. However I could not let my fears affect Matt, he had already been rejected by his mother and father. I would not add to that hurt.

He replied to me, sounding like a scared little kid rather than a teen. “Thanks, I don’t have anywhere to go. Mom and Dad don’t want me anymore.”

I almost lost it then. The level of pain in his voice was so deep that I wanted to reach through the phone and just hold him.

I informed him of the arrangements that had been made and explained what was going to happen. I told him not to worry about what stop to get off, as this happened to be the last stop on the route. Then I told him the color, make, and license number of my car. I told him I would be waiting outside the bus station for him. After telling him to get some sleep on the bus as it would take about 8 hours to arrive, we said our good byes and I started to clean out the spare bedroom. I had never used if for anything other than storage all this time. It took a couple of hours to get everything straight and by the time I had finished I was exhausted. It was almost 2 AM. And was way past my usual bedtime. I went up to bed and set the clock for 7 AM so I could get to the bus station in time. The next thing I remembered was the irritating sound of the alarm. I dragged myself out of the bed and into the shower, slowly I began to wake up. I still was scared of suddenly being a parent, but I knew that I could not just walk away from it. Matt needed someone who would be there for him. I made myself a quick breakfast and then went downstairs. The snow had stopped sometime during the night and the sky had cleared. The sun was almost blinding as I stared out the front door of the store. I looked at my outside thermometer and it read 20 F. and I shivered at the thought of going out. Slowly I got dressed for the cold and went out to clean off the car. It was slow going as we had gotten 6 inches of snow and it had drifted during the night. By the time I had finished clearing the sidewalk in front of the shop, and digging out the car, I was sweating. So I went back inside to change before I left for the bus station. The traffic was at a crawl as the streets were still slick with ice but I had allowed plenty of time for the trip. When I got to the bus station I parked in front and waited with the heater running. After about 30 minutes I saw a young man about the right age step out of the terminal. He looked around anxiously till he spotted my car. When he came up to my car window I knew he must be my nephew. He was carrying a single suitcase.

I rolled down my window, asking, “Are you Matthew Samuels?”

Shyly he nodded, saying more as a question, “Are you Mister Brooks?”

Smiling, I nodded and got out and opened the trunk and said, “Matt, just throw the suitcase in the trunk and we will go and get something to eat on the way home.”

He just nodded and said, “Thanks”

I hated the look in his eyes, they were just dead. He had been badly hurt emotionally. I could tell that it was not going to be easy to help him trust again, or feel loved. He did not say anything on the way to get something for him to eat. Matt was lost in thought and I could tell they were not pleasant thoughts. I decided to park by the store and walk the block to the restaurant as I knew parking would be a nightmare. Nothing was said on the short walk to the restaurant that I frequented. As soon as we walked in, Sally greeted me and said, “Who is this handsome young man with you?”

I replied, “He is my nephew and he is going to stay with me for…”

That was all I was able to say before Sally’s maternal instincts took over and she rushed us over to a table. Before we knew what had happened we were seated and our orders were in the kitchen. Soon Matt began to thaw under her attention. A couple of times he looked over at me and rolled his eyes. When she went to get our food he looked over to me and asked, “Is she always like this?”

I laughed and said, “Sometimes she is worse.”

Before long he was digging into his food like he had not eaten in a week. When Sally came back with more coffee for me I looked up and made eye contact and said a silent ‘thank you’. She just smiled back at me. We finished eating, we walked back to the car, and he carried in his suitcase. I gave him time to unpack and get his things set up the way he wanted them. Then I asked him to come into the den so we could talk over things.

I said, “Matt, we have 2 weeks till school starts again so you will have some time to adjust to things around here.”

He looked up to me with tears in his eyes and said, “I really can stay here, you’re not going to kick me out too?”

I held out my arms to him and gathered him up in a tight hug, slowly rocking him back and forth and said, “Matt, you can stay here with me as long as you want. I promise I will never hurt you intentionally.”

His sobs were wracking his whole body as he cried out his pain.
“They told me to get out, that they did not want me around them anymore. Even my mother said that. How could she? Nobody loves me at all.”

I pulled him close and let him cry it out. When his tears had dried up we went into the kitchen and I fixed some hot tea to drink and we sat at the table talking over what needed to be done to register him for school. It turned out that he loved tennis and theater so we made plans to get him involved with both activities.

Finally the talk turned to the reason he had come to live with me.
He looked up at me and blushed and said, “Uncle?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“Dad said you were… that you are gay. He called it something else.” (looking down. he continued) “Why does he hate me so much?”

I weighed my answer carefully, as it was his father we were talking about. “Matt, your dad has problems with people that he thinks of as different from himself. Gay men and women have had to deal with attitudes like his forever. If you want to talk about it I am here, ok?”

He looked up at me and said, “I don’t know if I can talk about it right now. But can we try tomorrow?”

“Sure, that’s fine, Matt, I will be glad to listen when you are ready”

By this time we were both exhausted as neither one of us had slept in over 24 hours. We both decided to take a nap so we could make it through the day. I hung up the ‘Closed for lunch’ sign and we headed upstairs. As he passed me in the hallway on the way to his room I gave him a hug, asking him if he wanted to speak to his mother.

His face clouded over and for a moment I thought he was going to lose it, then he said, “NO! I don’t ever want to talk to her again.”

I told him, “Don’t worry, Matt, you don’t have to talk to either one of them. I’m just letting you know that you can talk to them or call them anytime you want to and speak as long as you want.”

He nodded and headed to his room with tears in his eyes.

Then I went into my room and shut the door. I called Matt’s mother and told her he had arrived safely. She did not seem all that interested and again I wondered how some people could just turn on and off how they felt about someone. Even worse, their own child!

Something snapped in me and I almost screamed, “What is the matter with you, Cathy? He is your son, for God’s sakes, you gave birth to him. How could you do this to him? You and your so-called husband have just rejected your own child. Did you even stop to think for a second what you have done to him emotionally?”

She just mumbled some excuse about not being able to deal with it. I could tell she had been drinking. Suddenly I was tired of the whole conversation.

I told her, “Cathy, just remember these words when they come back to haunt you. That is, if you ever wake up to what you have done. I expect the paperwork to be faxed to my shop by the end of the week. The originals you will send to me, overnight signature required to me. Then you can go back to whatever reality you seem to have made for yourself. Goodbye!”

With a heavy heart I hung up the phone and laid down, trying get some sleep. I knew I had to be back up in an hour to reopen the shop so I closed my eyes and it seemed that I had just closed them when the alarm went off. I did not remember ever being this tired or down before. Matt was going to need lots of support and help. I had just agreed to take over the raising of a young man who had been deeply hurt. I hoped I could find the strength and wisdom to help him grow up to be proud of himself and not allow the world’s hatred to turn into self hate and doubt. I struggled back into my clothes and threw some water on my face. Then I headed back downstairs to reopen the shop. As the afternoon wore on, business began to pick up and soon I was caught up in my day-to-day mode of operation. After about 2 hours Matt came downstairs and asked if he could pick out a book to read from my used section and I told him sure. He went and after some time came back with a book by Terry Goodkind called ‘Stone of Tears’. I smiled to myself, as the author he chose was one of my favorites. I told him that was fine and he went back upstairs to read in his room. By the end of the day I was almost out of it from fatigue but I managed to last till closing time. After I had closed out the take for the night I put the money in the floor safe and headed upstairs to get Matt. I was way too tired to fix dinner. So we went back to the Sally’s place for dinner. I made it a policy to support the other small local business. This time she was too busy to completely smother Matt. But she did make a point of saying ‘hi’ to him. Matt just blushed and said ‘hi’ back. Laughing, I told him, “Don’t worry, she does not bite.”

He giggled and said, “I know, it’s just a little overwhelming the way she locks in on you.”

“I know what you mean, I have known her since I opened up the shop and guess what, it never changes. She really cares about people and lets it show. She is a true friend and I am glad to have her friendship. Hopefully you will survive all the attention,” I said, hardly able to contain my laughter.

He just shook his head and said, “Uncle, you have a weird sense of humor.”

“Yep, guilty as charged, Matt”

Shaking his head, he and I went to our booth and sat down to order.

After dinner we went back to the shop and just chilled for about an hour. I was catching up on some bookkeeping and Matt was sitting in my reading chair, deep in his book.

Finally I could not last any longer and I told Matt, “Time to hit the sack, hon.”

He looked up from his book and just smiled at what I had called him. Realizing what I had said, I blushed and apologized, saying, “Sorry, Matt, that was not very appropriate. I did not mean to embarrass you.”
He just shook his head and said, “No, Uncle that was really nice. It has been a while since anyone cared for me.” Then his smile faded, with his voice in a whisper he said, “I kind of liked it. You can call me that when we are alone. But not around others, ok?”

“Sure, Matt, I understand. Ok, let’s hit the sack, we both need some rest. I don’t have to do anything but open up in the morning. I have a young man who works for me on the weekends. He is going to be here all day. So you and I can have some time to get you ready for school.” I gave him a hug and headed into my room.

The next thing I knew my alarm clock was going off. God, I was so tired still. I stumbled into the shower and woke up enough to get dressed and go downstairs to prepare to open the store. At 9:00 AM Zack showed up, he was always early for work, it was one of the things that impressed me about him. We did not open till 10:00 AM. Zack had been working for me for about 2 months now. He was a college kid who loved books and needed a job to help him get through school. I had not really needed someone all that much but it did give me a chance to take breaks away from the bookstore. And I will say this, he had been a good choice. He was dependable and he had actually increased business as more college kids started coming to my store. He had suggested the reading areas and had arranged for poetry readings and discussions on weekends.
As I passed back behind the counter I noticed Zack’s book bag. He had something new on it, there was a rainbow sticker.

I stopped and looked at him and said, “Zack, that’s a colorful sticker you have there.” I wanted to see what his reaction to my statement would be. I had the ‘kid safe zone’ stickers on my door and I did some volunteer work in the community. But Zack did not know of my volunteer work. It was not that I was hiding it. It’s just that it never came up.

For the first time since I had known him he got defensive with me.
And said, “It’s a symbol of diversity.”

“I know what it means, Zack, you don’t have to be defensive about it with me. I know that with many people you do, but not with me. I know all too well what a lot of the world’s reaction is to gay and lesbian people and how careful they have to be.”

He looked up in surprise at me and said, “Mr. Brooks, are you gay?”
I nodded yes with a smile.

It was the first time I had ever seen Zack speechless. I laughed and said, “What is it, Zack, don’t I look gay enough?”

He had the grace to blush, and said, “No it’s not that, it’s just that you never said anything one way or the other to indicate you were.”

“I don’t hide it, Zack, and all my neighbors know that I am. I can’t believe you did not hear if from someone.”

He just shrugged and looked sheepishly at me.

Then I said, “It’s time for me to go wake up my nephew. We have to go shopping for clothes. He is going to be living with me for a while and I want him to feel good about things. As good as you can feel when your family kicks you out on the street.”

Zack got a pained look on his face and shook his head, saying, “It never seems to end. I work with a support group for gay teens and I hear that way too often.”

“Where do you meet? It would really help Matt right now if he could meet and be around other gay kids his age.”

“That’s a problem right now, Mr. Brooks. We don’t have a regular meeting place.”

“Why not, Zack?”

“We can’t afford to rent public space and the youths and their families are reluctant to hold meetings at their places. They are understandably afraid of outing their children.”

“If space was available, would the families and youths be willing to fix it up?”

“What do you mean? How much work would be needed?”

“Depends if you wanted to leave the layout the way it is, not much at all, just some cleaning, painting, and minor electrical work. Is the group you work with a Government recognized non-profit group?”

He answered, “Yes, we received our approval letter last fall.”

“Would you like to take a look at the space?”

“Sure! Where is it, Mr. Brooks?”

“As you know, I live above the bookstore, I live on the third floor. The second floor had been used by a church group for their meetings. I believe they used it till they grew large enough to build a church of their own. However it has not been used for years. It has an open meeting area, kitchen, and bathrooms, and several small rooms they used for classes.”

It came to me all of a sudden. I had the perfect layout to set up a gay youth community center. I would need support from the gay community to staff it properly. I was already doing volunteer work for the Gay Community Board. They awarded grants every year to groups and events that benefited the local gay community. If it were possible to apply and receive a grant to fund such a project…

I jumped when I felt Zack’s hand on my shoulder. He was saying, “Mr. Brooks, are you ok?”

I shook my head to clear it and said, “Sorry, Zack, I was just day dreaming. Let’s go look at the space, ok? If you think your group would be interested in tackling it, then you can arrange for them to come over and take a look at it.”

We took the steps up to the second floor and I turned on the circuit breaker on the landing. I opened the door and fumbled for the light switch, clicking it on. The fluorescent lights took a moment to come on as the heat was turned way down on this floor. There was dust everywhere. We entered into a small foyer that had hooks for hanging coats. We passed through into the general meeting area which was about 25’ by 40’. To the inside wall there were 3 small classrooms and to the back right was the entrance to the kitchen. To the left back were the restrooms. The kitchen was about 22’ wide and about 15’deep. The kitchen was set up to cook for church groups. I had planned to rent it out for groups, however I had never gotten around to fixing it up. I guess I had just become too comfortable with my life. Now I was glad that I had waited. Here was a perfect meeting place for the youth group. I could tell Zack felt the same way.

He looked at me and said, “Mr. Brooks, we really can use this if we clean it up? I mean…Oh hell, I don’t know what I mean.”
He seemed overwhelmed.

I replied, “Of course you can, Zack.”

Shaking his head as if to clear it, he said, “I have to contact the group and parents and get them over here. I am sure that they will go for it.”

“Zack, go ahead and call them from the downstairs phone. I have to go wake up Matt. If they want I can meet with them this evening after we close. Try to set it up for then. That way I have time to go shopping with Matt. I will stop in downstairs before we leave to check for the meeting time.”

I left Zack and headed upstairs to see if Matt was ready to go. When I went into the kitchen he was already eating breakfast. He was busy eating a couple of hard-boiled eggs. While he was finishing up I mentioned to him that a gay youth group might be using the second floor for meeting space. He really liked the idea of meeting some other teens that were gay. With the added bonus of being able to do so without even leaving the building. He came around to my chair and hugged me.

I asked him, “What’s that for, Matt?”

With tears in his eyes he said, “You did that for me, didn’t you?”

“Yes and no, Matt. I did do it for you but not only for you. We both know what it is like to feel completely alone and think that you are the only gay kid out there. I am glad that I can do this. You and I can help do some real good here. We can make a difference for some of these kids.”

I approached him this way in the hope that working with and helping other youth would help him heal as well. It would help him rebuild his self-esteem and to put in perspective what happened to him. He would be running into cases that were far worse than his had turned out. I knew he was hurting and that his pain was real. But I also knew that helping others would help that pain to lessen.

I smiled at him and said, “Now go finish your breakfast so we can go shopping.”

I waited for him to finish his breakfast and we headed downstairs.
Zack let me know that the group would meet at my bookstore tonight after closing to look over the space and work out details.

© 2001, Joseph Men

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