Chapter 11
I had to take a moment to gather myself. Leaving him there was hard. The look in eyes was going to haunt me for a while. He felt like I was betraying him and abandoning him like his parents.
What I had feared happened. He had agreed to come but when he was faced with actually being admitted he had pled with me to take him home and not leave him there. When I left we both had tears in our eyes. When I got back to the store I asked Zack if he minded closing the store by himself tonight. He agreed and I thanked him and headed to my office to get some paperwork done before I headed back. It was no use however I could not concentrate at all. Finally I gave up and headed back downstairs to help Zack. I knew he did not need my help but it helped take my mind off of the situation. At 6:00 I headed back to the hospital.
Matt was waiting for me when I was admitted to the floor. He seemed ok till we got to his room. Then he was almost hysterical he begged and pleaded with me to take him home He said that the hospital was making it worse and depressing him more. I had to be firm with him and explain that it would take at least till tomorrow morning for them to get him on medication and then it would take a couple of weeks to get it stabilized. But that he could be out in several days if he just worked with the staff and made the effort to do the things they asked. I told him the things they asked of him were designed to evaluate where he was and help him get to a better place. Eventually he calmed down a little. He seemed to realize that I was doing what I thought was best. Before I left I asked him if there was anyone he wanted to come to visit him.
With a bitter look he said, “Why so the guys at school can know I am a nut case I don’t think so!”
“How about Zack or Sally?”
“He frowned and said, “I guess you can have them visit. But I don’t want anyone else to know.”
“Don’t worry Matt it will be up to you who tell. Ok?”
He nodded and followed me out to the general meeting area. About five minutes later the announcement was made that visiting hours were over. I gave him a hug and he hugged me back. I left him sitting in the meeting area. He was staring at me with a lost expression on his face. As I left the hospital I shivered from the cold. It seemed that we had been in the cold forever. I could not seem to shake off the feeling that I had failed him. That I should have known somehow what he was doing. He had been afraid to come clean with me. If I was honest with myself I was hurt that he had not. I knew that I was being childish about it. He had been hurt badly by his parents and I could not blame him for not being able to fully trust adults. It would probably be a long time for him to learn to trust again. The sound of my feet crunching in the snow sent shivers through me. It seemed to match my mood. I felt cold inside and out.
As I drove home my mind was jumping all over the place. What had I done wrong. No. That’s not right I knew it wasn’t my fault. But it sure felt that way. What were the repercussions for Matt? I was not going to tell anyone that would be up to him. Would they be able to find the right medication to help him with his depression? He was depressed but it was for a valid reason. His life was turned upside down and he had no control over the situation.
I drove over to Sally’s place and went to our favorite booth in the corner. I just was not ready to face our empty apartment. I had never realized how lonely I had been before Matt had come into my life. He had brought so much into my life. If I was honest with myself all I had done was exist before. Of course it was not surprising. When you considered what my childhood had been like. I had been forced into adult situations. There had not been time for fun or diversions on the street. It was all focused on survival. I had approached my career and my life the same way. It was only when I was offered early retirement had I allowed myself the luxury of doing something I wanted to do. The bookstore had been a reward for many years of hard work. But now I realized that it had only been a flawed copy of what I had wanted. Matt’s arrival had shown me that you need to be needed. What I mean is you have to have a stake in someone else to be truly happy. I sat there lost in thought.
Gradually I became aware someone was speaking to me. I looked up into Sally’s concerned face.
“What’s wrong Joe?”
“It’s Matt and I feel so helpless. He is not doing well and I can’t shake the feeling that I have failed him. All the signs were there and I did not pick up on them. How could I have been so blind?”
“Slow down Joe. Back up and tell me what happened.”
“I found out today that Matt has been thinking of suicide and has been cutting himself to deal with the stress. All that time doing crisis intervention and dealing with this type of situation. Then I make the same mistakes I used to rail about parents making. I thought I was being a good parent and that he was doing as good as could be expected.
Sally sat down beside me and gave me a hug and said, “Did he hurt himself bad?”
“No but he is severely depressed and was thinking suicidal thoughts. That’s why we decided he needed to be in the hospital. They are going to start him on a antidepressant sometime tomorrow after they do a physical on him.”
“God! That poor kid. But you can’t blame yourself Joe you were doing the best you could.”
“I know but that does not make it any easier to deal with. My best does not seem to have been good enough.”
“You can’t think like that Joe. He is so much better off here than back at home. If he were still there I don’t think he would be alive right now. You have saved his life. He is where he needs to be and you did the right thing to help him see that. Sometimes being a parent really means making decisions that you don’t want to make. So many parents shy away from the hard decisions and let their kids down. You did not do that so in my book you are a very good parent to him.”
“Maybe Sally but right now I feel so helpless. He is sitting there locked up probably terrified and confused. That is tearing me up inside. I know it is for his own good he did volunteer to go in. He at least realizes he has a serious problem and he did act very maturely by acknowledging that he did have a problem.”
“Yes he did Joe.”
“He is a really strong kid and I am so proud of him. I really hope he knows that. I try and tell him as often as I can. You would not believe how bad he had it back home Sally.”
“Don’t worry Joe he knows you care about him. He has told me that himself. You are a good parent to him. He will pull through and one day he will thank you for helping him to get the help he needed.”
“I just want him to get better and to be able to overcome the damage that those two so called parents of his have caused.”
“Sally when I talked to Matt tonight he said it was ok to tell you about his being in the hospital and he wondered if you would come and visit him tomorrow if he is allowed off the floor. Do you think you could come and visit him for afternoon visiting hour? I think he would really appreciate it if you could come.”
“Of course I will. Can I ride with you?”
“That would be fine. I will pick you up at 12:30 if that is ok. It’s just a 15 minute ride from here.”
“I will be ready.”
“Thanks Sally it will mean a lot to him.”
“Your welcome Joe. Well I had better get back to work.”
She gave me a quick hug and headed back to the kitchen with my order. About 15 minutes later she brought me my food and refilled my cup. I watched as she moved around the restaurant stopping to talk to some of the regulars and greeting the new arrivals. She never seemed to stop when she was open. I did not know how she did it. I would never be able to keep up her pace.
When I got back to the store Zack had already closed and left for the evening so I let myself in and did a quick check to make sure everything was ok and as usual Zack had done an excellent job.
I stumbled upstairs and went straight to bed. The alarm went off far too early. I did not feel like I had slept at all. I long shower and 2 cups of coffee later I began to wake up. After breakfast I want downstairs and prepared to open the store. Thankfully it was the weekend so I could take Zack with me to see Matt if he was willing. We closed at 6:00 PM on Sunday and visiting hours were 7-8:00 PM. Zack was filling in for me for the Day visting hour while I took Sally over. He was a good kid and I was hopeful that he would continue to work for me till he graduated from college. He was going through a very rough time himself and I needed to be careful not to overload him with our problems. That would not be fair to him at all.
I made a note to call the hospital at 11:00 AM to make sure that he would be allowed off the floor today.
The morning was slow and I was thankful for it. It allowed me to get caught up on things around the store. There were so many little details that went into a business running smoothly and I had been neglecting some of them lately. So I took the morning to get caught up. Before I knew it Zack was at the store. As soon as he was up to speed I went back to my office to call the hospital. They had given me a code to use when I wanted to call and check on Matt’s status. They took everyone on the floors privacy seriously.
When I finally got through to the head nurse for the floor he told me that Matt had done well in the group session. So he had earned the right to go off floor. I thanked him and ask him to tell Matt that I would be there to see him at 1:00 PM. I also asked him to tell him that Sally would be there as well and we would be eating at McDonalds there at the hospital. I was sure he would prefer that to hospital food. He laughed and told me he would pass on the information to Matt.
After hanging up I went down and talked to Zack he was willing to go with me to the hospital for the evening visiting hour. I thanked him and went to get ready.
When I picked up Sally the first thing she asked was. “How is he today Joe?”
“The head nurse said he had a good group session and was well enough to go off the floor. We are going to grab some lunch at the McDonalds there at the hospital. I am sure he will be ecstatic to eat something that was not prepared in a hospital kitchen.
Sally laughed and said, “I know I would be. Sometimes I think people get better just to get away from the hospital food.”
As we drove over to the hospital Sally kept the conversation about our business. I knew what she was doing but I was grateful anyway. She was trying to keep me from stressing too much on the way to the hospital.
When we arrived I walked with her over to the McDonalds and we found a booth to sit in. She stayed to hold the booth while I went upstairs to sign Matt out.
As I rode the elevator up to his floor I hoped he would be in a better frame of mind. I was praying that he had already started to get better. He did not deserve to be in this situation, life had already dealt him some hard lessons.
© Joseph Men 2004