All this weekend I kept thinking of Josh and what we could do to help him out. Timmy and I talked several times we decided to ask some of the other guys to keep an eye on him. We would not have to go into details just let them know he was being picked on.
March 7
At lunch Timmy and I talked with David and his boyfriend and some of the others in the group. When David heard about it I thought he was going to go postal. He was furious and I could see why people did not mess with him. I think if Mitch had been there right then they would have been picking up pieces of him for a month. For a while we talked about what was the matter with Mitch. He was throwing away his future and did not seem to care. In the end we all agreed to keep an eye on Josh and stop anyone from picking on him.
March 8
Josh sat with us today at lunch. I thought that was really good start for him. At first he just sat there looking down at his plate. But we did not let him get away with that. We all made a point of talking to him and within a couple of minutes he was smiling and interacting with everyone. I felt so happy for him. He seemed like a new kid when lunch was over. I knew that sitting at the “Gay table” had taken a lot of guts. He was not some large kid who could take on his tormentors. But he had done it anyway. I was blown away by his actions. As I watched him walk out of the lunchroom I was feeling good about things.
March 9
I don’t even know where to begin. Sweet little Josh is in the hospital and I feel horrible. I feel like we let him down. Mitch and his goons caught him after school. They beat him up really bad. Nobody is saying anything more than that. It was on the news tonight that a minor was assaulted and was in fair condition at the hospital. As soon as I heard that the news I called to make sure that Timmy was ok. Timmy’s dad told me that Josh was in the hospital and that he had been beaten badly. He said the only reason he was telling me was so I would be extra careful. He was worried that Mitch might come after me as well. Then he asked me to get my uncle on the phone. They talked for about 20 minutes. When he hung up he looked really upset and worried. He came over to me and asked if I was going to be ok. I told him I just wanted to go to my room for a while and be alone. He nodded and let me have my space. But later on at supper I noticed that he was not himself. He seemed preoccupied with something but he did not tell me what it was. For a long time I stayed in my room and just stared at the wall. Then I decided that maybe it would help me to write this stuff down. My mind was going a million miles an hour but nothing was making any sense. Josh had not deserved what had happened but he got hurt anyway. His only “sin” was being gay and for Mitch that had been enough to almost kill him. I just could not figure out what caused people to hate like that. What made some people think that they had the right to hurt someone else? To me it made no sense but I had to admit there were a lot of people who thought that way. They had somehow come to believe that being gay was enough to justify hurting or killing someone. My thoughts were going around in circles. I knew that Mitch could have just as easily come after me and that scared me a lot.
I was startled when Uncle knocked on my door to let me know it was time for my medication. I had no idea that it was almost time for bed.
I just hope Josh is ok. I don’t want to ever feel this way again.
March 10
It only seems to get worse. There was a horrible rumor going round school today that Josh was raped. If that son of a bitch did that to Josh I hope they fry his ass. Even if the rumors are not true Josh will have to deal with the whispers and the stupid ignorant comments about him deserving it or wanting it to happen. I feel so helpless right now, I wanted to help him and I failed him.
I think Uncle is worried about me. He called Timmy’s dad and asked if Timmy could come over for a while. He agreed and I was really thankful. Timmy just held me on the couch while I cried. He did not say anything just held me rubbed my shoulders. I was so mixed up inside.
March 11
I saw Dr. Woodlief today and we talked a long while about what had happened and why I was so shaken up. I mean beyond the obvious one of my experiences with my parents. He said I was not only worried about Josh, but also about myself and the ones I loved. He told me that it was impossible to always protect others. I could not control when someone did bad things. He pointed out that Mitch had made the decisions that lead up to this and he and his gang were the only ones responsible. What he said to me made sense but inside I still feel somehow responsible. Dr. Woodlief warned me to be really careful because they still did not have the entire group in jail. So far only Mitch had been arrested. Uncle told me as we were leaving that I was not to go anywhere alone till they were caught. He said he would take me to school and pick me up. At first I was a little mad but I did not want to end up like Josh. Those freaks were already wanted for assault and probably worse if the rumors were true. They did not have a lot to lose at this point.
I called Timmy and he told me that his dad had placed similar restrictions on him. They had talked and agreed that we could well be targets. I don’t know if they had any idea how much grief they would get if Timmy’s dad got a hold of them. Like I said I would not want to be on his bad side. I can only imagine what would happen if they hurt Timmy.
March 12
I got a call from Josh’s mom tonight. She called to thank me for being there for Josh at the meeting. When I asked how he was doing she hesitated and then said that he was doing as well as could be expected and she asked me to please stand by Josh because he was going to need a lot of support when he got out of the hospital. I asked her if I could visit him and she told me he was not ready to see anyone yet. It was so awkward talking to her. I knew she had to be made aware of the rumors and what he would face when he came back to school. But I did not want to be the one to tell her; it was so unfair that he was going to have to deal with all of the shit at school after what he had been through.
March 14
The shit has already begun to hit the fan. The rumors about Josh were flying around today. I almost punched a guy out today for saying what’s the big deal he probably enjoyed it. God those idiots don’t they even think. If he was raped he did not want it to happen. I suppose they think he is in the hospital for a vacation or something.
Then on top of that I started to hear comments about Timmy and I. It would not bother me if Josh were not lying in the hospital right now. All of a sudden the playing field has shifted. We had felt safe at our school. Don’t get me wrong there were always going to be idiots who wanted to hurt others but now someone had followed through. Even Timmy seemed to be on edge today and that made me even more paranoid. After school when we were waiting for my Uncle to pick us up I asked him what was wrong. At first he did not answer and looked down.
I softly said “Timmy please talk to me. You don’t have to hide what you are thinking from me.”
He said Matt can we wait till we are in your Uncles car please. I don’t want anyone else to overhear.”
Reluctantly I agreed and for about 15 minutes we did not talk much at all. When we got into the car I turned to him and said “Ok Timmy what’s wrong?”
“Again he looked down and I had to strain to hear as he said “I’m worried about you Matt. I am so afraid that I am going to lose you. I love you and want to spend my life with you. Right now there are 2 guys out there who would love to beat you up maybe even worse. I thought I was this super strong guy who could handle anything. But when someone you love gets hurt or is in danger you don’t feel so strong anymore.”
For a moment I did not know what to say or which part to respond to. He had said I love you. He actually said it! God! That sounded so good coming from him.
I could not help it and I kissed him right in the car and softly said “ I love you to Timmy. And I know how you feel. I have been going crazy worrying about what could happen to you.”
I looked up and saw my uncle looking in the rear view mirror with a slight smile. When I realized that he had seen me kiss Timmy I blushed and looked back down.
For once I was taking the roll of comforter for Timmy. I pulled him against me and I just held him. Slowly I felt him relax against me and we rode the rest of the way home with him in my arms.
When we got home my uncle said “ Why don’t you two go upstairs and I will call you when after I get a couple things done in the shop.”
I was a little nervous when he said that. My mind immediately thought of all kind of worse case scenarios. But Timmy hugged me and said, “Don’t worry Matt I am sure he just wants to know how things went today. If it was something serious or dangerous he would have told us right away.”
I realized that he was probably right and Timmy and I went and sat on the couch.
I turned to him and said, “Please say it again.”
For a second he looked confused then he grinned and said, “I love you Matt. I know we have not been together that long but I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I have never felt like this about anyone ever.”
When he said that I began to cry. I was not upset or anything. I was just happy. For the first time in my live someone loved me as me. Not as a son or a nephew. But loved me the person. It made me feel all funny inside. There were emotions that I could not put a name to. A sense of pride and a love for him. A desire to protect him no matter what the cost. In the back of my mind I could still hear all the stuff that people said about first love but I knew that this much was true. Right here and now I loved Timmy in a way I had never loved before and that it what I was going to hang onto.
© Joseph Men 2004