The Closing

Chapter 2

Matt's Story 

I am not sure what writing this stuff down will do for me but I promised Mr. Sanger I would, so here goes. My name is Matt Samuels and I am 14 years old. I guess you could say that life for me was pretty average till this year. That’s when Dad found out about my secret. I got caught with porn on my computer. I don’t even think my dad would have minded the porn if it had been the straight kind. But it was not and he freaked. He said things to me that hurt so much. It all started about 3 weeks ago…

I came home from school and got on my computer. I did not know any local kids who were gay so I would chat with my friends all over the world. It helped keep me sane, that and I also got horny as hell looking at the pictures. But we won’t go into that. This particular afternoon I logged on and went to a few of my favorite sites. Then got to talking with my best friend online, Steve. That’s when my mother called me down to take out the trash. I still don’t know how it happened but I forgot to erase the history files from the porn sites. Of all the nights for my dad to get curious about my computer he had to pick that one. He had been drinking and I was keeping a low profile. He got mean when he drank and I knew to stay out of the way and be real quiet.

All of a sudden I heard him shout, “Matt, get you little pansy ass up here now!” Then I heard him shout to Mom, “Our son is a fucking faggot!”

I just died inside then. His words hurt like someone had stabbed me with a knife. I was already crying when I got to my room. He grabbed me by the arm and slammed me into the wall. With his face inches from mine he kept on shouting, saying horrible things to me, and my mom did nothing to stop him or help me. My crying only seemed to make him madder.

Without warning he reached back and slapped me, saying “Stop crying, you little pansy. You are pathetic!”

Then he let me go and I just slid down the wall. I could not help it, I was crying too hard to stand.

He just looked down at me with his face full of hatred and said, “You have 30 minutes to get out of this house. You are not welcome here anymore.”

“But where will I go?” I pleaded.

He just got madder and kicked me in the side, saying, “You worthless piece of shit! You should have thought of that before you decided to be a faggot. Now get out of here, you make me sick!”

I looked up at my mother but she did not say a word and my dad stormed out of my bedroom.

His last parting words to me were, “I am going to get some beer. You had better be gone when I get back or I will show you what I do to fags when I catch them alone.”

When I heard the front door slam I looked up to Mom. But all she said was, “Didn’t you hear him? You had better be gone when he gets back. You know how violent he is when he is drunk. Matt, how could you do this to us? I thought we had raised you better than this. You have disgraced the family, you are no better than my fag brother. I don’t know how I will face the pastor or our friends at church. GET OUT OF HERE! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT!”

I could not take anymore and, sobbing, I ran out of the house without my coat or anything. It was sleeting and the wind was blowing. At first I was tempted to just go hide in the trees till I froze to death. My side hurt where my dad kicked me but I hurt a lot worse inside. The things they had said to me had just been too much to handle. That’s when I started to get mad. Toss me out like the trash. Well, fuck them! I was going to live to spite them and one day I would show back up when I was bigger and we would see how brave my father was then. I was not thinking real clear but I knew that I had to get out of the sleet before it was too late. That’s when I decided to go to my friend David’s house. He was as close to a best friend as I had.

He and I were a lot alike in that we just did not fit in with most of the other kids. The difference was his mom and dad supported him and did not try to make him into someone he was not. My dad had always been trying to make a man out of me. No matter how I tried I could not please him. Now it did not matter anymore. He hated my guts.

I was shaking from the cold by the time I got to David’s house. Nervously I knocked on the door.

I heard someone ask from inside, “Who is it?”

“It’s Matthew, I am David’s friend.”

Suddenly the outside light came on, David’s dad opened the door and said, “My God, child, what are you doing out on a night like this, and no coat on at that? Come inside before you freeze to death.”

He hustled me inside and shouted for his wife, “Mary, get me a blanket and get a pair of David’s sweats for Matt to change into.”

He led me to the hall bathroom and said, “Matt, get out of those wet things and we will get them washed and dried for you. I will hand you in some dry clothes to put on. I will call your mom and dad and let them know you are alright.”

I turned, panicking, and said, “NO! Please don’t call my dad, he will kill me. He threw me out and said he would hurt me worse if he saw me again.”

David’s dad looked shocked, then he said, “We will talk about it when you get changed, Matt.”

Just then his wife came down with the sweats. She said, “Change into these, honey, and I will make you some hot chocolate.”

I shut the door to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet, trying to untie my shoes. It took me a minute to be able to get them untied, it hurt to lean over. But when I tried to take off my shirt the pain was unbearable, it felt like someone was stabbing me in my side. I gritted my teeth and tried again. But it was no use, the pain was too great. I managed to get my pants and underwear off and slip into the sweat pants. But the shirt was sticking to my body like it was glued on. Finally I just had to admit I could not do it alone.

I called out to Mr. Sanger, “Could you come in here, please, Sir?”

He opened the door and said, “What’s wrong, Matt?”

“I can’t get my shirt off, it hurts too much.”

His voice was full of concern as he asked, “Where does it hurt, Matt?”

“On my side where Dad kicked me.”

Mr. Sanger just sighed and shook his head, saying, “When will it ever end? When will parents learn to love their children for who they are”

I was shocked and a little embarrassed to see tears in his eyes I guess I still believed the bullshit that my dad had taught me, that men did not cry.

Mr. Sanger helped me out of the shirt and gently checked out my ribs. I about passed out when he pushed on the area where Dad had kicked me. It was already starting to bruise up.

He then helped me into the sweatshirt and said, “Matt, let’s go get some hot chocolate. We will figure out what to do.” When we went into the kitchen I saw David was at the table. He looked worried and sad.

He said, “Matt, are you ok? What happened?”

His dad gave him a warning look and said, “Let Matt drink his hot chocolate and let Matt tell us when he is ready.”

I sipped my hot chocolate and tried to think. What was I going to tell them? I could not come out and say I was gay. My dad had shown me all too clearly what some people’s reaction could be.

As I drank the hot chocolate I began to warm up. But inside I still felt so numb. Mr. Sanger just waited patiently, sipping his drink as I struggled with what to say.

Finally I said, “Mr. Sanger, would you mind if I spoke to you alone for a few minutes?”

I could see the surprise and hurt in David’s eyes and that made me sad. But I could not risk telling him about me.

Looking over at him I said, “David, I promise I will tell you later. I just can’t right now! Please don’t be mad at me, ok? I’m not sure I could take anyone else turning on me.”

He still looked sad but he nodded and said, “Matt, you know I would not turn on you. You know me better than that!”

Mr. Sanger looked over at David and said, “David, that is enough! Matt has had a very rough night. He promised he will tell you what is going on when he is ready.”

I hesitated, scared that I had caused David and his dad to get in an argument. Then I said, “Mr. Sanger, it is ok. David is right, I do know I can trust him. David, I am sorry for not trusting you tonight. It’s just that tonight some really bad things happened to me and now I don’t have anywhere to go or to live."

Mr. Sanger looked over at me and said, “Are you sure, Matt?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Ok then, Matt, David, let’s go into my study and we can talk.”

We walked down the hall to his study and he shut the door behind us. I took a seat on the sofa and David sat down beside me. His dad sat on the chair across from us. I could tell David really cared about me and that they both were worried about me. That made it easier for me to talk to them. I began by describing what had happened before I came to his house. I did ok till I got to where my mother told me to leave as well.

I looked up at him and said, “I don’t have anywhere to go, Mr. Sanger, no one wants me.” David and his dad both had tears in their eyes.

That’s when I lost it completely. David pulled me into a hug and held me till I had recovered enough to speak.

“What am I going to do?“

Mr. Sanger asked me, “What about grandparents or aunts or uncles?”

“My grandparents are all dead and I don’t know of any other relatives who would help.”

“Matt, I think we need to talk to your mother and see if there is any place for you to go for a while till things cool down some.”

I panicked and said, “I can’t go back there, my dad will kill me. He told me so!”

“Don’t worry, Matt, you can stay here till we figure this out.” He gave me a hug and said, “Trust me, Matt, Ok?”

I nodded and he picked up the phone and asked me for our number. He dialed it and when my mother picked up, he said “Mrs. Samuels? This is Mr. Sanger, David’s father. Yes, your son is here. He is doing as well as can be expected with what you and your husband have put him through. What do you mean, don’t take that tone with you? You had better calm down right now or my next call will be to child protective services. If you can’t convince me you have a safe place for Matt to go, THAT WILL BE MY NEXT CALL. Do you understand me, Mrs. Samuels! That’s better. Ok, have him call me if that is agreeable to your brother. Goodbye, Mrs. Samuels.”

He turned to me and said, “Matt, your mother is going to make some calls to see if she can find a safe place for you to go.”

I just sank back down on the sofa, suddenly so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

Mr. Sanger noticed and said, “Matt, let’s get you into bed so you can get some sleep. David, why don’t you show Matt where he is going to sleep tonight.” He helped me up and led me to the guestroom.

I did not remember anything else till I felt someone shake me, saying,, “Matt, you need to get up, there is a phone call for you.”

For a moment I could not remember where I was or why I was not at home. Then it all came back. I sighed and got out of bed. The floor was cold and I shivered as I followed Mr. Sanger to the kitchen.

He said, “It’s your uncle, he lives out of state, he is willing to have you come live with him for a while if you are ok with it.”

I could not figure out who he was at first, then it came to me. I remembered Mom saying something nasty about her brother. She had referred to him as her fag brother. I wondered what he was like and why he would care enough to take me in. Right then I did not feel like I was worth much. I guess that had taken inside what Mom and Dad had said about me.

I walked over to the phone and, with an encouraging nod from Mr. Sanger, took it from him. I spoke to my uncle and he told me what was going to happen. I did not know him but I could tell from his voice he really cared. Mrs. Sanger had washed and dried my clothes and had them all ready for me.

Mr. Sanger asked me, “Matt, are you ok with this?” I just nodded. Then I gave Mr. Sanger a big hug and said, “Thanks, Mr. Sanger. Now I am glad I did not go into the woods.”

He gave a puzzled look and I said, “At first when I ran out into the rain I was going to go into the woods and let myself freeze to death. I did not care anymore. But then I thought of David and how you treated him. So I decided to try to see if you could help. If you had turned me away I would be dead right now.”

He replied, “God! Child, don’t ever let yourself do that. Life is way too precious to let it go like that.” He hugged me tight to him. I thanked him again, wishing with all my heart that my dad had loved me like he loved his son.

I got dressed and had a bite to eat. While I was eating I heard someone come to the door. It was my mother, she did not even come in to say goodbye. She just dropped off some clothes for me, as well as my coat. I was so confused, part of me wanted her to come in and say she was sorry. Another part of me was relieved that she did not bother. Suddenly I did not feel like eating anymore. I felt tears in my eyes and I fought to hold them back.

Mr. Sanger reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze, saying, “Matt, it’s ok to cry. Don’t let anyone make you believe that it makes you any less a person.”

Just then Mrs. Sanger called out, “The taxi is here, Matt. Now remember, you take care, you will be in our thoughts and prayers. You can call us anytime if you need to talk to David or us. You don’t have to worry about cost or anything, just call collect.”

As I was leaving, Mr. Sanger handed me a really nice notebook. Puzzled, I looked up at him. He looked at me and said, “Matt, sometimes it helps to write things down. It will help you deal with things as time passes. Will you at least try to write some every day?”

“Ok, I promise, Mr. Sanger, I will do my best to remember to write.”

Mr. Sanger carried my suitcase to the car and I struggled into my coat. The ribs were still hurting but it was easing up some. It had stopped sleeting and the sky was clear and it was very cold.

© 2001, Joseph Men

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