Chapter 23

March 21

Josh has still not been back to school yet.

I called and spoke to his mother she said that he would be coming back next week if everything went well. She thanked me again for wanting to help. When I asked about seen Josh she said that she would ask him and let me know tomorrow.

March  22

I got at call from Josh’s mother today; she said that Josh was back in the hospital for some follow up surgery. She asked me if I would go to the hospital to see him. She wants me to go tomorrow after school. Part of me is glad that he finally wants to see people but I am worried, I just hope I don’t say or do anything that will make things worse for him. It makes me sick to think that someone hurt him that way.

I asked my Uncle and he just said it was up to me. Sometimes I want to strangle him when he won’t tell me what to do. Then I realize that he is just treating me like an adult. It’s weird that I get mad when he treats me like I want to be treated.

I told him that and he just smiled and said  “Matt hon that is what growing up is all about. Part of growing up is learning to make hard choices. I trust your judgement and only you can know if you are up to going to see him.”

March 23

I got to see Josh this evening. My uncle took me after school. Before I went to in see him his mother pulled me aside and thanked me for coming. It was hard to make myself go into his room. I wanted to do the right thing and see him but I knew seeing him like that would bring back all kinds of bad memories for me. Then I realized that was why it was so important that I go to see him. He needed to know that people cared and that he was a friend. It was so easy to start to believe that you deserved or caused the abuse and I did not want to contribute to that by running away from my own fears. When I walked into his room he was laying there staring at the TV. His back was to me and I had to speak before he realized I was there. You could tell he was glad to see me but ashamed of what had been done to him. I decided to let him lead the conversation. I have to admit that even with all that I had been through I was shocked with the amount of bruising still visible. His mother had warned me to limit physical contact unless he instigated it. So I waited to see how he would respond. He gave me a weak half smile and then began to tear up. I softly asked if it was ok for me to give him a hug and he nodded. Carefully I leaned over and gave him a gentle squeeze while he cried. It was kind of weird it was like time had reversed and we were right back at the youth meeting. I did not know why he had connected so strongly with me but I knew I would do everything in my power to help him. The rage I felt right then even scared me. I did not want to become a hater like Mitch but right then I could have ripped him apart and not even given it a second thought.

I just let him cry and my tears mingled with his. I could feel the weight of his cast on my back as I continued to hug him. Eventually his crying slowed and he pulled back. I got him a tissue and he blew his nose and in a quiet voice said, “Thanks Matt.”

“Your welcome Josh.”

He was still looking away from me and that just made me sadder.

“Josh, please look at me.”

He slowly turned his head and looked at me.

I smiled and said, “That’s better.”

He gave me a faint smile in return.

“When are they going to let you out of here?”

“Tomorrow I think.” His voice lacked any enthusiasm.

“Don’t you want to get out?”

“Not when I have to go back to school and everyone will know what happened to the little fag!” The venom in his voice was hard to take.

“Josh you have friends at school and we will all stand by you. We won’t abandon you or judge you.”

“Maybe you won’t but there will be plenty who will. I don’t even want to think about it right now.”

I said, “Ok we won’t talk about it. But there is one thing I need to say.”

“What’s that?”

It was hard to get the words out I was so emotional but I forced myself to say them anyway. “Josh I am so sorry. I feel like I failed you…” I could not go on I was crying so too hard. All the guilt that had been building up inside me would not let me continue. I truly felt like I had let him down. I felt his hand touch my shoulder and he said, “Matt it’s not your fault. When I sat with you all at lunch it was the most fun that I have had in a long time. I truly felt like I had found some place where I was accepted. I remember walking home and thinking how good I felt. I never saw them coming and the next thing I knew I was in the woods…” His voice faded out he just looked lost. He had a vacant look I recognized all too well. It was the same look I had seen in the mirror when things got too hard to take anymore. You reach a point where you just shut down because you can’t cope anymore and that was where he was.

“Josh it’s ok you don’t have to go there. There is nothing you need to justify or explain. It was not your fault none of it was. It was those sick bastards fault, theirs not yours.  I may not know exactly what you are going through, but I have a pretty good idea.

“How could you know!” The force with which he said it was frightening.

But I stood my ground and said, “Because both my mom and dad are alcoholics and for the past 5 years before I came here they used me as their own private punching bag. I am here because my dad found out I was gay and beat me up and threw me out on the street with nothing but the cloths on my back. And they have never even called to see how I am. Not even once. That’s how I know a little bit about how you are feeling.”

When I had finished some of the fire had died in his eyes and he said, “I’m sorry Matt. It’s just so hard to deal with it all. I don’t feel much of anything right now and that scares me. It’s like I am numb inside. I have nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night so scared I can’t move.”

“Josh all I can tell you is be honest with your therapist and let them know what you are feeling. I was not honest with mine when I first got here and ended up in the psychiatric hospital for a week. I was feeling the same way and I did not let my uncle or Dr. Woodlief know. Till it built up to the point I was completely screwed up.”

He broke in and said, “Dr. Woodlief is going to be my therapist!”

I was surprised but pleased for him. “He is good and I like him. You can talk to him about anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yep. He is gay and I asked him a bunch of stuff I was too embarrassed to ask my uncle.”

Josh blushed and said, “That’s cool.”

I could see him considering something.

“Matt how come you stood up for me?”

Now it was my turn to hesitate. “I like you Josh. You were going though a lot and I wanted to help.”

I did not want to hurt his feelings if he was thinking we would be boyfriends. The truth was I thought of him like he was my little brother. I just could not think of a way to say that and not hurt his feelings.

I could see the questions in his eyes still but he left it at that.

We talked for a few more minutes and then visiting hours were over. I gave him a hug and thanked me for coming.

I was a basket case when I finally got home. Timmy was having dinner with his dad so I could not get him to hold me. You don’t know how much you miss little things like that till you can’t have one when you need it. I was feeling so down that I went into my room and cried. To be honest I was crying for myself just as much as I was for Josh. Seeing him all bruised up like brought back way too many memories.

Why can’t people just leave us alone? Josh is just a little guy. God I hate those bastards!

March 24

Josh is so messed up right now that I am scared for him. Not only did all that shit happen to him but also, then some asshole detective blamed him for asking for it. Boy did the shit hit the fan. The Detective was put on administrative leave and it looks like he has lost his job. Timmy’s dad was furious when he heard about it. Somehow the paper got a hold of it and it has blown up in the police departments face. They mayor pledged to have mandatory sensitivity training for the whole police department. The whole thing has a lot of the town talking about it. Believe it or not some are saying that the cops freedom of speech was violated. They even said that as a Christian he was entitled to his views and should not be forced to deal with gays if he did not want to. What a load of bullshit. He is a government employee what he does on his own time is fine but when he is at work he has rules just like anyone else does. They are just mad because someone finally was held accountable for treating gays like they were not entitled to the same rights as everyone else.

This is hard to admit but it’s true. I had to tell Timmy and my uncle that I cut myself again. I just reached my breaking point and could not take it anymore.

Afterwards I just felt awful I knew I had let myself and everyone else down. I just sat there in the bathroom and cried. I was in there so long that Timmy knocked on the door and asked if I was ok. I did not know what to say so I said I was and told him I would be out in a minute so he went back to the den to wait for me. Then I felt worse because I had lied to him. It took me a minute to clean up and to get ready to face the music. I already knew that lying about it lead to it getting worse so I made up my mind to tell them. It was not easy but I went and told Timmy. He cried and hugged me. It almost broke my heart to see how upset he was for me. He just held me for about 15 minutes till we both had calmed down then he went with me to tell my uncle. He was very supportive but I could not help feeling that I let everyone down.

March  27

First the good news. THEY CAUGHT THE BASTARDS. WE CAN GO HOME! God I am so tired of hiding and worrying. Now we can try to get things back to normal. After Steve told us that it was over he asked Timmy to take me to see the creek and falls. It was a little warmer today but I was not to keen on walking for any distance in the snow. But Timmy seemed to think I would really like it so out we went. Timmy was just as excited as I was about being able to go home. He loved his grandparents place but when you are cooped up inside fearing for your life it gets old fast. On the way to the falls we talked about what we were going to do now that it was safe to go out again. We got kind of silly about some of the things we wanted to do. But we did decide to go to the music store and to a movie. We also were going to get online and let our friends know we were ok. We had stopped in mid sentence with them and we knew they must be worried. After a few minutes the talking slowed and Timmy put his arm around my waist. It felt good to be walking in the open with him like that not worried about some idiot saying something or worse. The pasture was beautiful. We were walking across a field of white. The trees that ringed it were still coated in ice and the sun shining on them caused them to sparkle like diamonds. I was glad we had come on this walk. A couple more hours and all of the ice would be melting. We passed by an old barn that looked like it was going to fall down any minute. But I bet it will still be there when I am gone.

I asked Timmy and he said, “My grand dad keeps his tractor and other equipment in there.”

My look must have given away what I was thinking he laughed and said, “Don’t worry we reinforced it a couple of years ago. It is not nearly as decrepit as it looks.”

I could not help it and asked, “Who was your engineer? Did they work for the firm that designed the Leaning Tower of Piza?” All the while fighting to keep from losing it.

He shook his head and stuck his tongue out at me. I don’t know what came over me I am usually the shy one. But I pulled him to me and kissed him. By the time we came up for air my head was spinning. If it had been warmer we would have been in a lot of trouble with my uncle and Steve. Suddenly I was embarrassed I was hard as a rock and I could tell he was to. No body was around but I was still a little freaked. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable to. Well we both were it is not easy to walk like that. Hehe   We had to adjust things before we could walk comfortably. Timmy did not say anything for a minute or two then he stopped and looked at me and smiled, “Wow. What got into you?”

I stammered and said, “I ah well you looked so cute and I just could not help myself. I’m sorry if I messed up…”

He broke in and said, “Hell no! It just caught me by surprise.”

He paused for a moment then said, “Matt hon please stop worrying so much. You did not mess up as you could tell I enjoyed it a lot. I love you and want us to be together. Don’t ever be sorry for showing me that you love me as well.”

That made me cry. There were so many emotions all mixed together inside me. But the main one was happiness. I knew he loved me and I loved him. He looked concerned when he saw the tears. But I told him, “Don’t worry these are happy tears.”

He pulled me to him and gently kissed me on the lips. This was a tender kiss. I put my head on his shoulder and just left it there for a moment. It felt so good to be in his arms I did not want it to ever stop. Being loved by someone in a positive way was new to me. My uncle and now Timmy were the only ones to ever do so.

After a couple of minutes we grew cold just standing there and began to walk again.

It was another couple of minutes till we passed thought a section of woods. When we came out of the woods we were up against a small cliff it was about 20 ft. tall. A brook spilled over the edge and down into a small pool. Words could not do it justice. It looked like a place you could just forget about the world and completely relax. Evergreen trees that seemed to soak up all sound surrounded the pool. The cliff itself was covered with ice right now. Someone had tied a rope to one of the taller trees and it was obvious that in the summer they swam there. What I liked about it the most was the sense of peace. There were no man made sounds to intrude. It was like you had stepped back in time and, I could not wait to come back here when it was warmer. I could tell that Timmy felt the same way he turned to me and asked, “Do you like it?”

“It’s beautiful Timmy. Thanks for showing it to me. I can’t wait to come back here with you this summer.”

“We don’t share this with many people. If we did people would want to come to often and that would ruin it.”

I pulled Timmy to me and gave him a quick kiss then we started back to the house.

The last 3 days have been a nightmare. They have been the worst 3 days of my life. I don’t think I could have taken much more. I guess that is what made the walk to the falls with Timmy so special. Will all that has gone on being able to spend the time with Timmy and be in such a peaceful place really helped. My appointment with Dr. Woodlief is tomorrow afternoon. He and I talked over the phone and he told me that he was glad that I felt safe enough to be honest with him and my uncle. Still I feel a little ashamed that I let all of them and myself down.

Timmy was freaked about me cutting myself and is watching me like a hawk. I was glad he cared but he was going overboard. I talked to Dr. Woodlief about it. He told me that if I wanted Timmy could set in on the last few minutes of our session.

When I told Timmy about his offer he said he would go. Though I could tell he was a little nervous.

March  28

Today was kind of crazy we went back to school and everyone was coming up to me and asking how my uncle was. They all wanted to know what had happened. Most of them were sincere but some were just being assholes. I don’t like all of this attention it makes me nervous. Timmy is still acting a little weird around me. He seems very worried about me and is sort of suffocating me. The only time I was out of his sight was at school in the classes we don’t share.

We met with Dr. Woodlief today and it went well. Timmy did set in for a few minutes and the Dr. answered some questions for him. It seemed to help and Timmy was a lot more relaxed when we left.

Dr. Woodlief upped my medication temporally.

He also wants me to write down what happened and how I feel about it. He is asking a lot here. It will not be easy to do. I don’t think it is going to make things any better.

But…

It all started on March 25, which was a Friday.

My uncle brought Timmy and I home from school. He went downstairs and we went up to our place to get on the computer. Uncle told us that he would be late fixing dinner because of the change in meeting locations. They had to keep an eye out for anyone who might not have gotten the word. Timmy and I were chatting online with some of our friends when I heard a loud crash. It startled me and I asked Timmy if he heard it as well. Before he could answer I heard a loud bang. I knew right away it was a shot. Don’t ask me how I just did. All I could think of was that something had happened to my uncle. I took off down the stairs taking them 3 at a time. Just before I got to the door at the bottom of the stairs Timmy caught up and grabbed me. I was so scared and frightened that something had happened to my uncle that I actually tried to shove him away. We were both out of breath from running down 3 flights of stairs. Fortunately he held on and told me as he caught his breath, “Matt please just stop for a second. We don’t know what happened.  You can’t just go running in there.”

I told him, “Let me go Timmy. Let me go now!”

“Well if you are going to risk your life then I am going with you.”
That made me stop and think. Did I want to risk getting him hurt as well? So I agreed to wait for a minute and if we did not hear anything then we would go in. That was the longest minute of my life. When I finally opened the door I heard Uncle ask Zack if he was ok. I could not see my uncle so I knew he must be behind the counter on the floor. But nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I came around to the back of the counter. He was leaning against it and there was blood on his arm and all over the side of his shirt. I just freaked. He had been shot.

That’s when we heard the police officer say don’t come to near the front window. They were afraid that who ever did it was still close enough to shoot again. When Timmy heard that he pulled me back and we both ducked behind the counter.

Uncle told Zack to call Dr. Woodlief for me. That was so like him. Here he was hurt and he was worrying about me.

Then he asked Timmy to call his dad and get him to come pick us up. That seemed to take all the energy he had left. He sagged back against the counter and the EMT’s rushed in and started to work on him.

It was bad enough knowing that he was shot but while the EMT’s were working on him he passed out. I just lost it then I had been standing back with Timmy so they could work on him. But then I tore out of Timmy’s arms and pushed past the EMT’s and tried to hold him. I was crying so hard that I could hardly talk. I begged him not to die.

One of the EMT’s turned to me and said quietly, “Honey he is going to be ok. He just passed out, we will take good care of him I promise. Now please let go and let your boyfriend hold you. You need a hug. I was confused for a second, then she said, “You don’t know me but I know Timmy and your uncle. Jane and I sometimes work as facilitators at the youth meetings. We work with the older youth that is why you did not recognize us. Now go and let him hold you, and we can have the room we need to take care of your uncle.”

They loaded him on the stretcher and into the ambulance and drove off. I hope I never feel that way again, I don’t think I can even explain what I was feeling. It was like there was no hope left at all. I had no energy I was even too weak to cry. Suddenly nothing seemed to matter to me at all. It seemed like it was happening to someone else and that scared me. I had felt that way before and it was not a good sign at all.

I half turned in Timmy’s arms and said, “I don’t know what I am going to do. Everything I touch goes bad. What is going to happen to me if he dies? He is the only family I have left. My mom and dad could care less if I live or die. Now he is in the ambulance bleeding and it is all my fault…”

Timmy stopped me in mid sentence and said, “How do you figure it’s your fault?”

“Did you pull the trigger or throw the brick through the window?”

“No.”

 Did you plan all of this and send them to do it?”

“No!”

“Then how the hell do you think it was your fault?”  I could see that he was mad now. And I thought oh great now I have him pissed at me on top of everything else.

But he took a deep breath and said, “Matt I used to blame myself for my mother leaving us. It seemed logical to me at the time but it was pure bullshit. She left because she wanted to. There was nothing I could have done to stop it and there was nothing I did to cause it. The same is true of you. Bad people do bad things we can’t control them.”

I just pulled him to me and held on for dear life. Right then he was my only anchor and I just held on.

I think I need to lie down now, that took a lot out of me. I am crying just thinking about it.

I wish Timmy was here to hold me but they went home after dropping us off.  

I am happy we are back home and we are all safe. My uncle could have been killed. It still does not seem real to me it’s like it happened to someone else. Dr. Woodlief says that my reaction is normal. That when you have a sudden stress like that your body goes into defensive mode. If you get overloaded you sort of shut down till you have time to process it. I guess that makes sense but it does not make it any easier to deal with. I hope the higher levels of medication kick in soon. It scares me to feel like this again.

March 29

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 © Joseph Men 2004