The Closing
Chapter 4
After everyone left Matt and I locked up and headed upstairs. I set down at the kitchen table to read the paper. I had not even had the chance all day. I was just getting into the sports section when Matt came up and asked if I was busy. The look on his face told me it would be a serious conversation.
I put down the newspaper and he sat down in the chair next to me. I could tell that he was under a lot of strain. It was obvious He had been crying .
“Matt, what’s wrong?”
“Do you think my dad will ever apologize like Zack's dad?"
“Honey I don’t know. I wish I could give you an answer but I can't.”
“How could he do that to me? I loved him. He has not even called once and mom either. Uncle what is going to happen to me?”
“Matt, you know that you can stay here as long as you want. I am not going to make you go.”
He looked down and said just above a whisper “What if something happens to you, then what?”
I was shocked, as I had not thought it through. What would happen then? I reviewed the possibilities in my mind and none of them were good. I looked at Matt. “Are you worried because you thought that Zack's dad was going to hurt me?”
Matt started to cry then jumped out of the chair and locked me in a tight hug. “I was so scared; if something happens to you I am lost. I don’t have anywhere to go. I was scared for you and for me.”
Gently I wrapped my arms around him and slowly rocked him. All the while just whispering that I was not going anywhere and that it would be ok.
“Matt, I am not going anywhere. I know you miss your parents and I am so sorry that they have chosen to act like this. But please remember none of it is your fault. They made bad choices, ones that have hurt you badly. You are not to blame, they are.”
I felt tears gathering in my eyes. I knew Matt needed comfort and I made a decision to take a risk and tell him of my past. To let him know how I had coped.
“Matt I am going to share something with you. No one here knows any of this. When I was 16 my family found out I was gay. They kicked me out as well. I am not telling you this to ask for pity or anything like that. I am telling you so you will know that I do understand what you are going through. I know the heartache that you are dealing with the sense of rejection. You need to know that it will fade with time. These words sound hollow right now, I know, but one day you will realize they are true.”
“They kicked you out too?”
“Yes, all I had were the clothes on my back. For a while I lived on the street, and I did what you have to do on the street to live. But this is important Matt. I had made a vow to myself that they would not win, that I would make it somehow and not just die on the street. What I mean is I had a dream still inside of me and I would not let them or anyone kill that dream. I went and got a job and took my GED. Then I took college courses at community college. When the company I was working for offered me early retirement I jumped at the chance. You see, another dream of mine was to own a bookshop like this. I am a quiet man with a deep love of books. Your goals and dreams will be different, Matt. But whatever they are, make sure they are real. I mean be sure that they are a part of you. that they are your dreams. Not what someone else wants for you or thinks you should do. I will be here for you, don’t ever doubt that. One more thing, Matt. It's ok to feel sad right now and have the feelings that you are having. Don’t minimize them, they are real. Tomorrow, we have an appointment with a therapist that is gay friendly. He comes highly recommended in the community.”
Matt looked scared for a moment till I said he was gay friendly then he visibly relaxed saying “You mean I can talk to him about anything I need to?”
“He is gay and deals with gay teens all the time in his practice. So you don’t need to worry about that at all.”
“Uncle?”
“Yes Matt?”
“Did you ever think … I mean did you…”
“Matt, it's ok you can ask me anything.”
“Sometimes I think really bad thoughts about Mom and Dad.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes I wish they were dead!”
Then Matt shivered in my arms and said in almost a whisper “But I know I don’t really mean that. I still love them. Why can’t they love me? What’s wrong with me? I just don’t understand. I tried and tried to make them proud.”
By now his whole body was shaking he was crying so hard.
I just held him and let him cry. In a way I was glad that he was at last allowing his pain to come to the surface. It was far healthier to let it out than to hold it all inside. When he began to slow down I gave him my handkerchief and let him have a moment to compose himself.
“Matt, hon. I know you are hurting now. I will be here for you. Don’t be afraid of crying it is natural and healthy way of helping to deal with painful things.”
He closed his eyes and rested his head under my chin for a moment. Then he looked up at me. “Uncle thanks for being here for me.” With that he gave me a hug and got back out of my lap. “I think I need a shower.”
“Well when you finish we will go out to get something to eat. You can pick the place.”
I watched him walk out of the kitchen and shook my head. My anger at his mother and father was almost too much to handle. Matt was a wonderful kid. What fools they were. I just hoped that I was up to the task of being a parent. Only time would tell. I got up from the table and went to change.
We decided on Chinese. Nothing much was said as we bundled up to walk the 3 blocks to the restaurant. I had ordered take out from them before and Matt had commented on how much he like the food. So I was not surprised that he wanted to go and eat there. I glanced at the thermometer as we went out. It read 19 F. you did not notice the cold as long as you were moving. But every time we had to stop and wait for traffic I shivered. When we arrived we both asked for the hot tea to warm ourselves up. We had not spoken on the way over to eat. Once we were seated I asked Matt what he wanted for dinner. I was curious to see how he was reacting to his talk with me. He seemed ok and did not bring it up so I did not. I figured he was a little embarrassed by it. In spite of my comments about it being ok to let go most men don’t ever get over that cultural taboo of men showing emotion. I looked down at the menu and smiled wryly because sometimes I think I have learned how to cry too well.
I looked up from the menu having made my decision for dinner. He was still reading the menu I was waiting for him to make his choice.
At last he looked up. “Have you had the chicken cashew before?”
I nodded yes.
“Is it good?”
“It’s one of my favorites”
“Ok, I will try it then.”
I just smiled and called the waiter over. He took our order and brought out our soup. Soon, we were both wolfing it down. Matt looked up.
“Uncle?”
“Yes?”
“Will you stay with me for the first meeting with the therapist? I’m kind of nervous about it and I would feel better if you are there.”
“Well, that will depend on him. If he does not mind then I will be glad to do so.”
That seemed to satisfy him and we went back to our soup.
By the time we finished dinner we both were stuffed. I paid for our meal and headed back home.
The cold night air bit at my lungs with every breath and my thoughts turned back to the day’s events. Much of it had been painful for him and I wished that I could somehow take that pain away. But that was impossible it was his journey to make. I could only be there and help when needed. While it hurt to see him in so much pain, it was a necessary part of the healing process. Thinking back on how I had reacted to my situation. I could not help worrying about the next several months. Knowing that he would probably act out as he struggled to deal with all of his pain. I just hoped that I would be able to see past he behavior to what was really going on.
As we neared our street Matt reached over and hugged me. “Thanks Uncle… for everything.”
I stopped walking and hugged him back. The tears felt cold on my face as I struggled to regain my composure. “Matt, honey, you are more than welcome.”
© 2001, Joseph Men