Chapter 4

The last words I remembered from the night before were Dave’s.

He was saying over and over, "Joseph, I am here my son."

I woke up with this terrible feeling of fear in my heart. At first I could not remember what was wrong. Then I hoped it was a bad dream. But when I looked beside my bed Dave was sleeping in my computer chair. He was still dressed in his clothes and I knew it was real. I started to cry quietly trying not to wake him up. But I could not control my tears for long. Soon sobs were racking my body. With a start Dave woke up. He came to the bed and pulled me into his arms. He just rocked me and told me how much he loved me, and cared for me. I began to calm down after a while. He always had that effect on me. He could hold me and no matter what the problem I felt better. He made me feel loved.

After a while he said, "Joseph we have an appointment with Dr. O’Connor this morning. She is going to help us understand what we need to do next. I am not going to lie to you son, or sugar coat this. But what you will get from me is the truth. I will give you my honest opinion. But in the end you will have to make decisions about treatment options."

I nodded and through my tears said, "Dad can I stay home tomorrow? I’m not ready to face this yet."

Dave looked worried but said, "Ok Joseph. Today is Thursday. I don’t guess it will hurt to miss tomorrow. Your grades have been good so far." He then said, "I am going to hit the shower. When I finish you hop in and I will fix breakfast."

By the time I had finished my shower Dave had breakfast ready. I noticed that I did not feel any different than I had felt before knowing. It was hard to believe that I was sick. I was hungry, and I wolfed down my eggs, bacon and toast.

Dave just looked at me and shook his head and said, "Joseph did you even chew that food."

I blushed and said, "Well I was really hungry dad."

He just laughed.

We cleaned up the breakfast dishes and walked over to Dr. O’Connor’s office.

As we were walking to the appointment I looked up to Dave and said, "Dad what am I going to tell my friends? What if they don’t want to be around me anymore?"

Dave looked at me and said, "The ones that are real friends will stick by you. The others, well they are not worth having as friends anyway."

I knew he was right but that was not going to make their rejection of me any easier to take.

When we got to Dr. O’Connor’s, we sat down in the waiting room. It was about 10 minutes before she called us back to her office. We sat down and she looked at me.

"Joseph I want you to understand how serious this is. But I don’t want you to think that it is hopeless. I am going to try to answer any questions you might have and give you the information you need. There are some important decisions you need to make over the next several months. In order to make these decisions you and your dad will need to study this Joseph. Then sit down together and make your decision. David or I can help but it is your decision in the end."

She looked at me and continued "Joseph how much do you know about HIV and being HIV+?"

"I don’t know much at all. I just know that it has killed a lot of people," I answered in a voice just above a whisper.

She nodded and said, "Joseph I won't lie to you. You have a very serious disease. But as with any life threatening disease there is a wide range of outcomes. Some people just give up and nothing we can do can save them. Others with the exact same situation fight it with all their strength and live far beyond what the averages are. Joseph you are lucky in the sense that a number of new drugs to fight HIV have come on the market in the last couple of years. These have changed the outlook from hopeless to one of hope. Joseph would you like me to go into what HIV is and what the different words mean?"

I nodded, "Yes please."

"First lets start with the letters HIV they stand for Human Imunodeficiency Virus. Now I know everyone calls it AIDS that stands for AutoImmune Deficiency Syndrome. But AIDS is not a disease it is a status indicator. You are considered to have AIDS when your T cell count falls below 200. This is considered significant because this is the point where some very serious infections can overpower your immune system. These infections are called ‘opportunistic infections.’ They don’t affect people with healthy immune systems. However they can cause serious infection even death for someone with a suppressed immune system."

I broke in, "Dr. O’Connor what is a status indicator and what is a T cell?"

She smiled. "Sorry Joseph. It is hard to get out of doctor talk. A status indicator in this case is the point where your immune system is damaged enough that infections can overwhelm your immune system. That point is called AIDS in the HIV infection process. Does that make it clearer Joseph?"

I nodded and she went on. "Your immune systems has a lot of different parts to it and I won’t go into all of them today. But the one we are interested in is the T cell. These cells act as a front line against infections. Now HIV is so dangerous because it takes over the T cells and uses it to make more viruses. So instead of helping your body the infected T cell actually is being used to make the infection worse. So the whole time your body is trying to fight off HIV it is making more HIV viruses. Eventually your immune system over the course of time begins to fail. The number of cells in your system to fight infections begins to drop. Does that make it clearer, Joseph?"

"Yeah that makes sense now. I did not understand it at first. Dr. O’Connor, Dad and I have looked at some information already and I am confused."

"About what, Joseph?"

"Some people want you to start treatment right away. Others say you should wait to later in the infection process. How can there be such a big difference in opinion on treatments?"

Dr. O’Connor looked down for a moment and said, "Joseph you have asked a good question. I will try to answer it for you. But you must bear in mind that medicine is not like math. Sometimes there can be more than one good answer."

She saw my puzzled look and said, "In math 2 +2 = 4," and I nodded, "but in medicine you could have a couple of different answers that work. Some people might do better on one and others might do better on another treatment option. What we try to do in medicine is to figure out what works the best for most of the people. But there could still be several different ways to treat a disease."

I broke in and asked, "Dr. O’Connor, I have heard some people say that you should not take the drugs early. They say that you should wait till later, when you need them more?"

She nodded. "Joseph let me tell you what the latest recommendations are from NIH. They recommend waiting till you reach a certain point before starting the antiviral medications. The new Guidelines recommend considering starting antiretroviral therapy when an asymptomatic HIV-infected person's CD4+ T-cell count falls below 350 cells per cubic millimeter (mm³). I know that sounds confusing Joseph. What it means is that when someone without symptoms CD4 +T-cell count hits that point, you should strongly look at starting treatment. Does it clarify things for you?"

"Yeah you mean when those cells get down to that point I should probably start treatment. Even if I still feel OK."

She smiled at me, "Yes that is the point that they recommend to use as a guideline for starting treatment."

She paused again and continued, "Joseph, I have treated you like I would an adult. You are going to have to make some very important decisions over the next several months. However, knowing you and how strong you are, I felt comfortable that you will make good informed decisions. I can only recommend options to you. You and your Dad must decide which course to take. If you want to bounce things you hear off of me, I will be glad to listen and give you my opinion. You are a strong young man and a fighter. Joseph fight this with all that strength and will you have shown us."

With that she got up and gave me a big hug. "Joseph remember what I told you when you were leaving to be Dave’s foster son?"

I looked up and said, "You said don’t shut us out."

She smiled, "That’s right Joseph, and I meant it. We will be there for you."

That is when I finally lost it. All through the whole conversation I had been sort of numb. It was like it was information about someone else not me. But when she hugged me it just hit me. She just held me as I cried. I could not help it. All thoughts of being brave and putting on a show vanished. I knew I did not have to pretend with her or Dave they both understood and more important they cared. Dave moved over and joined in the hug. They held me in that hug till I slowly stopped crying. I looked up at both of them and smiled to let them know I was ok again. Dr. O’Connor stepped back, leaving Dave with his arms wrapped around me. I noticed that he had tears in his eyes as well. It was about a 10-minute walk from Dr. O’Connor’s to our house and it was almost lunchtime.

"Do you want to grab a bite to eat at Lusiad’s, Joseph?"

"Sure dad, sounds good."

My head was still buzzing with all the information from Dr. O’Connor. It was hard to believe that I was about to make choices that could affect how long I was going to live. After we grabbed a table in the back, Chris came over to take our orders. We ordered or food and Chris left for the kitchen.

After he was gone I looked at Dave. "Dad what did you think about what she told us?"

Once again I was struck by how unreal it still felt to me. I had a virus that could kill me. Yet I did not feel sick at all.

Dave had been silent for a couple of minutes then he said, "Son, I wish I could answer that for you. However we can and will get all the information together. When we get home we will contact the AIDS hotline and request some more information. I am also going to check into support groups for you and for me. We can both use some input from others in the same situation."

I quietly asked, "Dad can we get our food to go?" I am not doing real well right now. I need to go home. Dad I am sorry. I thought I would be OK, but I am not."

He said, "Sure," and got up to go tell Chris we wanted it to go. I heard Chris ask what was wrong. Dave answered he is not feeling well so we are going home so he can rest.

Dave picked up the bag with our food and we left the restaurant. Neither of us said a word during the walk home. We were both lost in our thoughts.

On Friday, Kody called and asked me if I wanted to go to the lake with him on Saturday. I just told him that I was not feeling well and was not up to it. After he hung up I went to my room. I was just numb inside and I sat on my bed looking out the window. I don’t know how long I was sitting there. But I was startled out of my trance by Dave calling me to supper. I sighed and stood up then slowly walked down to the kitchen. Dave was doing his best to be cheerful and positive for me. We both knew it was an act; he was as devastated as I was.

After we finished dinner Dave said, "I asked David to come over and talk with us Joseph. He should be here in about 30 minutes."

After dinner we went into the den to talk over the information we had gathered. Dave had contacted the AIDS hotline and ordered information. We talked about the different theories about treatment and the recommendations of the National Institute of Health. I was still having trouble with the fact that some of the experts were still disagreeing over treatment options.

Then we heard the doorbell and I got up to answer. It was David and I gave him a hug as he came in the door. We walked back into the den and Dave left to get us cokes.

When he left the room David looked over at me and said, "Joseph how are you doing really?"

"Well I am not real sure David. All day yesterday and this morning and afternoon I was kind of numb. Now this evening I am scared and sad. But a little more hopeful."

He nodded, "Joseph that is a perfectly natural reaction to have. You have been through some hard times. When someone gets overloaded they will sometimes go numb emotionally. It is your minds way of saying time out here, need some time to deal with this. Joseph you have to remember that just as with your abuse issues there will be good days emotionally and bad ones as well. But I can see you have made good progress already. See I told you that you were a strong young man."

"So it is OK to feel this way?"

"Joseph, you would be lying if you said you were not upset and scared," he said, smiling.

When Dave came back into the room we went over some information he had brought for me. After about an hour we broke it off for the night and I walked with David to the door. I gave him a hug. "David thank you so much for coming over and helping me deal with this."

He looked at me, "Joseph you are a fine young man. I want to help in any way I can."

I gave him a hug and then I watched him walk all the way down the street before I shut the door.

Dave called me from the den and asked me to come back in with him. When I walked in he reached out and gathered me in his arms, and gave me a hug. I settled down in his lap. "Dad thanks so much for being here for me. Without you I would never make it through this. When I am with you I feel loved and cared for. I want to live and do things that will make you proud."

With a choked up voice he replied, "Joseph I am already so very proud of you."

Looking up at him I could see tears in his eyes. But I could see the pride he had for me as well. "Dad don’t worry I am going to make it."

He just squeezed me harder, "I know you will Joseph."

As I sat there in his lap being held by him. My mind just drifted back and forth from one memory to another. I looked up at him and wondered, "How come Mark has not been back to see us? I thought that you two were doing fine together."

"Well Mark and I talked it over and decided to give you some more time to adjust first."

I looked up in surprise. "Dad… wow! I am so sorry. I did not mean to come between you two." I could not believe he had done that for me. "Dad would you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"I want you to call Mark and see if he can come for dinner Sunday."

"Are you sure Joseph?" Dad asked with a surprised look in his face.

"Yes I am Dad. I know you miss him and I wondered why he did not come back. I want you to know that I understand how big a sacrifice that was." Then I gave him a hug. "Go call him Dad."

Dave left to call Mark. I smiled and thought of how happy Dave looked leaving to make the phone call.

Right then I decided that I was going to make the most of my life. I did not want to be looking sometime in the future regretting something left undone. I figured that with any luck I would lead a long productive life. There would be hardships and challenges but I could face them. When Dave came back into the room I got up, and looking at Dad, I asked, "Dad, is it okay if I call Kody real quick?"

He started to protest then realized what I had said. Then he smiled and said, "Good for you son. That is fine go ahead."

I went into the kitchen and dialed Kody’s number. His dad answered the phone and I asked for Kody. "Hold on for a moment Joseph. I will get him for you."

There was a moment of wait then I heard Kody say, "Hey, Joseph how are you feeling, are you better?"

I winced, "Yeah Kody I am feeling better. Is the offer still open to go to the lake tomorrow?"

He sounded glad. "Yep, sure is. Lets leave around 10:00 for the lake. Want to meet me at dad’s coffee shop? I have some chores to do till about then."

"Kody that sounds great will see you then."

I hung up the phone and went back to tell dad the good news. H smiled.

"Son I am so proud of you. You need to keep moving on with your life. As a matter of fact we both do. Son you have taught me an important lesson tonight. I am going to try to make sure I am moving forward as well."

We hugged. "Ok Joseph lets hit the sack. You have a date tomorrow and I want you to get your beauty sleep."

I yelled "DAD!"

And he just laughed.

The next morning, Dave woke me up at 8:30. "Joseph time to get up honey. You need to eat breakfast before you head over Kody’s."

Slowly I stretched and yawned. "Dad what’s for breakfast?"

"How about grits?

With that I picked up my pillow and threw it at him. I could not stand grits and he knew it. He just laughed. "How do pancakes sound?"

"Sounds good to me. Do we have any syrup left?"

"Yeah should be in the pantry."

He went off to fix breakfast and I headed for the shower.

"Dad, thanks for breakfast. What time do you want me home?"

He smiled and hugged me. "Just enjoy yourself Joseph. Here take some money in case you and Kody want to grab some food. I would say be home by 10:00 tonight.

I looked at Dave, "Dad I might tell Kody about being HIV+. I mean his dad died of AIDS so he should understand. I least I hope he will dad. I don’t want to lose him as a friend. But I need a friend that I can be honest with and talk to."

"Joseph just be careful who you tell till you are ready for everyone to know."

"Don’t worry Dad I will be."

I walked over to Kody’s and ordered a coke to drink while I waited. Lost in thought I was startled when Kody came up to me. "Dad says I can leave early. Lets get out of here before he changes his mind." He smiled at me and grabbed my hand pulling me out the door.

I laughed at his excitement. I could not believe how good it felt to be holding his hand.

I knew he did not feel the way I felt towards him. But we both loved to do things together. We had become good friends and I knew a lot of people just assumed we were a couple. Boy did I wish that was true, but he had been honest from the start with me. For a while I had avoided him, as I wanted more out of the relationship. But then I realized that he was a good friend and I really liked him. I still wanted more, but knew it was not going to happen. We had settled into a comfortable friendship where we could trust the other with anything. I was about to put our trust to its first real test.

As we walked towards the lake we just talked about sports, and kids at school. We both had experienced harassment at the high school because we lived in Baysville. Our high school was in the next town over and people there were not as tolerant or understanding. I had been pushed, shoved, and called names. I was small for my age and that did not help any. Kody on the other hand was taller and did not get as much flack as I did.

I looked at Kody and said, "I will be so glad when the new high school is finished."

Kody smiled, "Yeah I know Joseph. By next year we will be in a school that accepts us. Just think we will be able to take our boyfriends to school dances and not pretend."

He had a kind of wistful look on his face when he said it. I felt a twinge of jealousy wondering whom it was he felt that way about.

When we arrived at the lake I asked "Kody do you mind if we just walk along the shore and talk for a while. I have something I need to share with you."

He started to say something silly back to me then he noticed the look on my face. "Sure Joseph, what’s the matter?"

"Lets wait till we get to rocks up on the point."

The point was our favorite place to go talk. It was rarely visited by others and was a great place to sit and watch the wildlife and just listen to the water lapping on the shore. It was so peaceful that I could just lie there for hours.

When we got there we climbed onto our favorite rock and laid back. I just looked up at the clouds while I collected my thoughts. Kody had given me the time as he could tell that I was bothered by something.

I turned on my side and looked at Kody. He was just laying back waiting for me to speak. He was such a good friend. For a moment I chickened out of telling him. I did not want to lose his friendship. Then I realized how stupid that was. He was a true friend. Slowly I gathered my nerve.

"Kody I have something I need to tell you. This is not going to be easy to do so please bear with me."

He looked at me with concern and some fear in his eyes.

I hesitated, took a deep breath, and started. "Kody do you remember a couple of weeks ago when I thought I had the flu and I went to see Dr. O’Connor?"

He looked confused. "Yeah you missed that test and had to make it up"

"There is something I need to tell you from my past Kody. You see when I was trying to make it here I ran out of money. I did not have anything to eat and was too young to get any work. So I sold the only thing I had left." By this time I was crying and Kody pulled me into a hug.

I looked up at him through my tears, "Kody I sold myself to get money. I let them do things to me that made me feel so filthy inside. You know that I have been seeing David every other week. Well that is why, I need help to deal with what happened to me."

Kody hugged me tighter. "Joseph you know it was not your fault it was theirs for using you like that. They took advantage of your situation to get what they wanted."

"Kody there is something else I need to tell you. Well it was not the flu I had when I got sick. Doctor O’Connor ran blood test on me…. Kody I am HIV+. Those bastards not only used me but they infected me as well. Kody I am sorry for dumping all of this on you. Its just that you are my best friend and I need someone to talk to about it."

Kody never let go of me or tensed up or anything he just held me. After a few minutes I calmed down and pulled out of his arms. I turned so I could look him in the eye, "Kody thanks you don’t know how much that meant to me."

He looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"When I told you, you never let go of me or tensed up or anything. You just treated me just like there was nothing different."

I could see the tears in his eyes as he replied. "Joseph my friend there is nothing different, you just happen to have a virus. It does not change how I feel about you at all. You are my best friend and I will always be there for you."

We were both crying as he pulled me back into his arms. He just held me and let me get myself back together.

After a while I looked up. "Kody lets head back I am getting a little cold."

The clouds had thickened since we had arrived and the wind had picked up. It was blowing in from the lake and had a bite to it. I was glad I had brought my coat with me. I shivered and zipped it all the way up.

As we headed back I said "Kody one more thing please don’t tell anyone else till I am ready to let everyone know. I am a little nervous about how some of the guys will take it."

He nodded. "Yeah especially at school. Some of those ass holes could cause a problem."

Bowing my head I said "Yeah I know that is what I am afraid of."

On that thought we headed back to into town. We decided to eat at Lusiad’s for lunch. The day had started off unseasonably warm but sure was making up for it now. Just as we made it back into town, a cold drizzle started to fall. We sprinted the last block to Lusiad’s racing to see who would get there first. Kody won but I did not mind at all. We were both laughing so hard we could not catch our breath for a moment.

When we caught our breath we went in and sat in the back. I wanted a little privacy so we could talk some more. I hoped we could talk and eat without being noticed. It was about 2 in the afternoon and the place was not crowded at all. TJ came over and took our orders and Kody and I both watched him all the way back to the kitchen. I looked at Kody and laughed at his expression.

He laughed back. "What are you laughing about didn’t anyone ever teach you not to drool."

I just laughed more, "Well you can’t blame a guy for dreaming, can you?"

He smiled back at me, "Joseph you are so bad!"

Then we started in on what to do for the Christmas holidays. This was going to be my first Christmas here in Baysville. But more important it was going to be my first Christmas with my new dad. For the first time in my life I felt loved and wanted.

Kody told me that sometime during the holidays he was going back to visit he granddad. I could tell that he missed him a lot. Don’t get me wrong. Kody loved it here and cared for Dave. But he missed his grandfather, as they had been very close.

TJ came back with our food and we wolfed it down. We had walked several miles and both of us were starved. After we finished we paid our bill and said goodbye to TJ. Then we walked back to his place to get a milkshake.

When we walked in Kody’s dad said "Hi you two, did you have fun today?"

We both nodded and I said "Yeah we did, went for a walk along the lake. Then we had lunch at Lusiad’s and came here for one of your world famous milkshakes."

He laughed. "Well I don’t know about world famous" as walked back behind the counter. "What kind of milkshake do you two want?"

We both answered at the same time, Chocolate of course!" He smiled and went over to make them.

Kody called over to him and asked "Dad can Joseph stay for dinner tonight?"

"Sure but you know it will be just the two of you as I have to close tonight. How about we order from Lusiad’s and you two can go pick it up when it is ready?"

We all agreed and I asked, "Can I use the phone to call my dad?"

"Sure, you know where it is."

I called home and told dad about my day up to this point. "Can I eat dinner here tonight. Kody’s dad has invited me."

"Sure Joseph, just remember to be back by 10:00."

"Thanks dad, love you!"

"Love you to son." And he hung up.

"Dad can Joseph and I go upstairs for a while?" Kody asked.

"Sure go ahead. Just remember to order dinner for pickup around 7:00PM. You need to call him now so we can beat the rush. Plus it is easier on him this way. It is one less order he has to take by phone while he is busy."

We nodded and headed upstairs to Kody’s room. Kody plopped down on his bed and I took the chair. I just sat there watching him for a moment. I thought to myself, if only he felt the same way for me. I mean Kody was just about the nicest person I had ever met. He was a loyal friend and had just proved it again. It was hard to be here in the room with this gorgeous boy a year older than me. I wanted to grab him, hold him, make love to him. But all I could do was take theses images in my mind home and jerk off to them. That was way too cold a way to live but now I was not sure it would ever be different. Being HIV+ I did not know if I would ever find someone to love me the way I wanted to be loved.

Kody noticed my expression and asked "Joseph what’s wrong?"

I turned my face away for a moment unable to speak. He came over to me and touched my shoulder. "What is it buddy? What’s the matter?"

He saw that I was crying and pulled me into a hug and rocked me slowly. Gradually I stopped crying and smiled up at my friend.

"Thanks Kody. I was just thinking that I want someone to love me the way TJ and Ian have. I want it so bad Kody. To feel the person I love in my arms and to hold them. I don’t mean just sex, I mean hold them and know they feel the same way about me."

Kody smiled sadly. "Joseph, you know I like you even love you as a brother but that is it. You are my best friend. I care for you and would do anything for you."

I broke in and through my tears, "Kody its okay my friend. I know that. It’s just been a tough couple of days for me. And now I am wondering if I ever will have someone like that in my life. Being HIV+ is going to change how people look at me, what they think of me. It’s not fair! But I know its true. I also know that I will find people who will not be that way. People like you Kody, who are kind good and caring. But the fact is that my life changed for good 2 days ago when I found out I was HIV+. I don’t know what those changes will bring. Hopefully there will be good with the bad, but it has changed."

Kody looked at me. "Joseph you are going to make it! I know you will and I will be here for you. I promise!"

I looked up at Kody startled by the emotion in his voice.

I gave Kody a big hug, and jumped up. "Its time to order dinner. What do you want to order?", changing the subject, as it had gotten too heavy for me to handle.

"Lets check with my dad and see what he wants." Kody called downstairs and when he finished he said, "He asked if fried chicken was ok. Is that OK Joseph?"

"Sounds great Kody."

He called Lusiad's and ordered dinner. We were having fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. At 7:00 we went and picked up dinner and brought it to back to Kody’s. We decided to eat downstairs with his Dad so he would not have to be alone. We cleared off one of the reading tables and put a tablecloth over it. Then Kody and I dug into the food like a cloud of locust (or at least that is what Kody’s dad said).

After dinner I headed home. The clouds had cleared and the temperature had dropped sharply. I looked up and the stars were out. I loved nights like this. The cold night air me feel so alive, as each breath bit at my lungs. I picked up my pace. It felt good to be walking in the cold night air. When I arrived home I called out to Dave.

"I am in the kitchen."

I ran into the kitchen. "Dad I told Kody and he took it great! He is such a great friend. When I told him he just held me and let me cry it out. He did not even tense up push away or anything..."

Dave broke in laughing. "Hold on Joseph I only understood about half of what you said. Slow down son and take your time telling me."

I blushed, caught my breath. "Dad he was great He just listened and held me while I cried. He never tensed up or backed away. He was there for me and told me he would always be there for me. Dad I am so lucky to have a friend like Kody."

Dave nodded, "He is a good friend Joseph."

We talked about my day and made our plans for Sunday dinner. Mark was coming and Dave was busy planning the dinner. We decided to have a roast, baked potatoes, and salad for dinner.

I was glad Mark was coming over, as I felt bad for coming between them. With everything that had happened I had just forgotten about an important part of Dave’s life.

We called it a night and I headed to bed. The next thing I knew it was morning and Dave was calling me to breakfast.

He yelled up the stairs "Joseph its time to get up, breakfast is almost ready."

I called back down "OK, Dad I’ll be right down."

As we ate I peppered Dave with questions about Mark and their relationship. He answered each one patiently; he seemed to understand that this was my way of becoming comfortable with Mark.

When Mark arrived for dinner I did my best to make him feel like I was OK with him. And to tell the truth as the night wore on I found myself liking this man. I could see why they had been together. At the end of the evening we gathered in the den to talk things over. All evening I had watched them as they spoke of their times together. I could see it in both their eyes, and their body language, they were still in love. You could hear it in the tone of their voices or see it in the half smiles, the touches that lasted a bit longer than normal.

After a while I broke into their conversation. "Dad, Mark I just want to thank you both for being patient with me. I truly did not know if I could handle having another adult male around me in the house. But after tonight I honestly believe that it will work out. I can see that both of you still care a great deal for each other. If it turns out to be what you two want it is fine with me. Dad I just want you to be happy. I can see that Mark makes you happy."

Dave looked over at me. "Thanks Joseph. When it comes time to make those decisions we will set down as a family and make them. But I want you to know that I am very proud of you son. I know how hard it is for you to put your faith in adults after what has been done to you. But I promise you that I will always do my best to be the type of parent you deserve."

His voice was unsteady as he finished and he reached out and opened his arms for me. I did not hesitate I gave him a bear hug.

"Joseph why don’t you head onto bed you have school in the morning. And I know how you hate it when 6:00 AM comes around."

I rolled my eyes at his not so subtle hint that he wanted some time alone with Mark.

But I played along. "Yeah dad I am a little tired."

So I turned to Mark. "Mark thanks for coming over tonight and I look forward to seeing you again."

I still did not feel comfortable with any physical contact but he seemed to understand. He just nodded. "Thanks Joseph I enjoyed it too. I will see you in two weeks as I am coming down for Christmas."

I nodded gave Dave a hug then headed up to my room.

The next morning my old routine started again. I had to be up at 6:00 AM, and at the buss stop at 6:45 AM. We then had a fifty-minute bus ride to the high school. Kody and I always sat together and talked on the ride in, as we were a year apart and so did not share any classes. It was the last time we would see each other till the bus ride home. When we arrived at school we parted ways. Our lockers were even on different floors. It did not take long for me to figure out that everything was still the same here at school.

Just as I was closing my locker a senior walked by, slammed me into the locker door, and said, "Move out the way faggot!" as he walked on by.

I was shaking with rage as I leaned over to pick up my books and paper. They were scattered all over the hall. I had all my make up work with me to turn in and now it was all out of order. And to top it off I was now going to be late for class. As I leaned over to pick it all up I heard a welcomed voice it was TJ.

"I saw what that asshole did don’t let him get to you Joseph. I’ll help you get everything picked up we don’t want you late for class on your first day back.

I looked up at TJ. "Thanks man you are a life saver."

He just smiled at me and said "No problem Joseph, us Baysville guys have to stick together. And don’t worry we are watching your back."

I looked up in surprise and said "Thanks TJ what is it with those guys anyway?"

He said "They are egged on by Rev. Creed you know the loony preacher from our town. A lot of his congregation lives near here. He sermons are about us evil gay fags every Sunday. Some of these idiots buy into it hook line and sinker. Tom is on the football team and thinks he has to prove how much a man he is. He does this by beating up and picking on people half his size."

It was amazing how much contempt TJ could put into his voice.

With his help we gathered up the papers. I barely made it to homeroom before the bell sounded. I was till mad but I was also happy to have such good friends who were willing to stick out their neck for me.

The rest of the week passed in a rush as Kody and I finished up our shopping for Christmas. When the school day ended Friday, we were free! We had two whole weeks off and Kody as he was going to be gone for 4 of those days. He was going back to visit his granddad and I was going to miss him.

All during the week I had been fighting this feeling of sadness and anger. It seemed that the closer we got to Christmas day the sadder I got. Dave had come to me several times with information about HIV and he tried to discuss it with me. I just put him off; I would not talk about it. The first couple of times he just accepted it. But now I could see he was getting worried. But I did not seem to care. It was like something had turned off inside of me. I still loved Dave, but it was like I had put up a wall. I just could not bring myself to look over the information. Every time I tried I felt so angry and bitter. It was not fair I did not deserve this! Where was this God I had heard so much about? The one who loved us and cared for us. Try as I might I could not find any evidence of His caring for me. This whole time seemed like some cruel joke. I had finally found someone who loved me and cared for me. Finally I was accepted as me and then my whole future was ripped to shreds. By Saturday I was so deep into this depression he called David to come over and see me.

I heard the doorbell ring and Dave answering the door. Then I heard someone coming up the stairs to my room. Someone knocked on the door and I recognized David’s voice as he said "Joseph may I come in?"

He waited till I finally answered "Yeah I guess so."

David came in and pulled my computer chair over next to the bed. He did not say anything he just sat there watching me.

Finally I could not take it any longer and I looked up. "David why are you here?"

He looked back at me. "Why don’t you tell me."

I started to answer and just lost it. I screamed, "You are here because I am a complete coward and I cannot deal with this shit. Why did it have to happen to me? Its not fair damn it, its just not fair!"

I was sobbing so hard that I could hardly breathe and all I was saying over and over was "Its not fair."

David pulled me into his arms rocked me and just said "Its OK just let it out Joseph, just let it out."

After a while I began to calm down and he let me just cry myself out. When the tears finally ended he looked at me.

"Joseph you are not a coward. You are a brave young man. But you cannot face this alone. You need help so don’t shut us out. I am going to have you set in on a support group meeting on tomorrow."

"What type of support group is it, David?"

"It is made up of teenagers and young adults who are HIV+ like yourself. A great young man heads it you will like him Joseph. His goes by the nickname Jazz."

He saw the puzzled look on my face and smiled. "It is a play on his name. He had rough childhood like you Joseph. His father abused him and he ended up on the streets. But instead of becoming bitter and using it as an excuse to fail he decided to use his experiences to help others. Now he helps me to work with the different support groups. He is hoping to go back to school and become a counselor himself. I am betting on him making it. He is an amazing young man. I am very proud of him and what he has been able to accomplish."

I looked up at David and asked, "Is he HIV+ also?

"No he was very lucky Joseph. I really think he can help you to deal with what you are feeling from that time. The young men in your support group will give you insight into living your life with HIV."

He looked at me for a moment before continuing. "Joseph I will pick you and Dave up in the morning. We have to be there at 9:00 AM so I will pick you two up at 8:15. We have to drive over to the next town for the meeting."

He got up to leave. "Joseph I know this is tough. You don’t have to try to be superman. It is normal to feel scared and depressed with something like this. Don’t build up walls to shut us out. We will help you all we can. Now get some sleep I will pick you up in the morning."

He walked out of my room and I heard them talking downstairs. All of a sudden I was exhausted and could hardly keep my eyes open. I faded off to the sounds of their voices in the background.

The next thing I heard was dad calling me down to breakfast. I groaned and looked at the clock. It was 7:00 AM and a holiday to boot. I glared towards the doorway and my foster dad. Then I remembered I had the support group meeting this morning. I heard him call me again.

"Joseph you need to get up honey we have to eat and you still have to shower before David gets here."

I still was feeling down but talking with David and letting it all out last night had made me feel better. I trotted downstairs, to the kitchen.

"I am sorry Dad I did not mean to cause such a big scene last night I just lost it I guess. I was so angry and scared I could not control it."

I was looking down afraid that he was disappointed in me. But he put his hand under my chin and lifted it up.

"Son I am very proud of you. I know there are going to be good days and bad days dealing with this. You have been very brave and strong. Sometimes you are going to need to let it out. Just try and not let it build up so much before you deal with it. OK?"

I nodded and hugged him.

He just held me quietly. "Joseph I love you and will be here for you my son. Please don’t shut me out."

"Dad I am sorry, I won’t shut you out again. I promise!"

We sat down and I dove into my favorite breakfast pancakes, sausage and hash browns. I was starved as usual and I gulped it down. Dave smiled and shook his head and said "Well I did say to hurry. But I did not mean you had to inhale it. Chewing it would have been OK too son."

I stuck my tongue out at him and ran out of the room before he could say anything else.

I heard his laughter as I ran up the steps and into the bathroom to get ready.

Dave picked us up right on time. As we rode to the meeting I peppered him with questions about the group and what I could expect. He answered some and told me to wait and see on others. When we were about half way there I began to get nervous. I was going into a meeting with a bunch of guys I did not know and I would be expected to talk about some really personal stuff in front of them. I knew that we all shared something in common we were HIV+. But other than that I did not know anything about anyone else that would be there.

When we arrived at the town youth center there was a good-looking man about 25 years old chaining his bike to a tree. The first thing I noticed was how gracefully he moved. He had the coordination that you only saw in good athletes. He looked up from locking his bike and smiled at David. He reached out, shook David’s hand.

"Good to see you again David."

He turned to me, offered his hand. "Hi I am Jazz you must be Joseph. David told me that you would be coming today. With the holiday we will have a smaller group today than is normal. But that is actually good Joseph that gives you a chance to meet some people without feeling overwhelmed."

I nodded and mumbled thanks to him. I could not believe how tongue-tied I was with him. He seemed to understand and we followed David into the office. We walked down the hall to the door marked multi purpose room. When we went in I helped Jazz set up 8 chairs in a circle. As we were setting up the chairs Jazz told me the ground rules for the group. He told me that no one had to talk unless they wanted to. That I could answer questions or not it was up to me. He told me again that this group was here for support as we dealt with living with being HIV+. We had just finished setting up when the first kids started to arrive. One by one they came in and at 9:05 Jazz called everyone over to the seats. He had saved a seat next to him for me and I was grateful for that as he was the only person I knew. I was so scared that I was shaking. Jazz called the group to order.

"We have someone new here with us today so lets go around and introduce ourselves. I’ll start." he said with a smile.

One by one they introduced themselves to me giving me their names and ages and a little of there history. The first thing I noticed was that I was the youngest but not by much. I had been afraid that the group would be made up of people in there 20’s or older. But there were 3 around my age. When it was my turn I introduced myself and gave my age and the fact that I had just found out I was HIV+. I found myself being drawn into the conversation after a while and I asked several questions of the group. I did have to admit that I felt better after to talking with guys my age who were going through the same thing as I was. There was one guy there who really caught my eye. His name was Kevin and every time I looked up our eyes would meet. I made a note to myself to talk to him after the meeting. It was interesting to watch how Jazz kept the group focused working on issues without making seem like work. I also found out that Jazz was a little on the wild side. He biked, free rocked climbed, and white water canoed. He kept us all in line with stories of rock climbing or canoeing on our breaks. By the time the meeting broke up I was beginning to feel more comfortable.

After the meeting I spoke to Kevin and we exchanged phone numbers. He was so cute he blushed when I asked him for his number. I could not believe that I had done it. Usually I am the shy one but there was taking the lead and asking for his number. Dad and David were waiting for me when we came out of the meeting room. I was so into talking with Kevin and almost walked right past them. Suddenly I heard my name called and I looked up. It was Dad and David they both were trying hard not to smile at me.

"Hold on a minute Dad I will be right there.", and turning towards Kevin, "Kevin call me anytime after 6:00 tonight. OK?"

He blushed and nodded and that about made my stomach do flip-flops. Kevin walked out with his mother and I turned back to David and Dave. They both still wore those silly grins on their faces.

I looked at them both. "What?"

Dave looked at me and smiled. "Oh nothing Joseph."

I just shook my head. "All right you two. If you two have finished having fun can we go home now?"

They both laughed and we headed out to the car. On the way home I kept going over the meeting in my head. I had gotten a look at some other kids lives that were HIV+. And some of what they faced was not pretty. I was going to be very careful who I told about my HIV status. That much I knew. After some initial kidding Dad and David left me alone as they could see I needed time to sort through things.

When we were about half way home David spoke. "Dave I am thinking of moving the support group meeting over to Baysville if we can. I have heard some rumblings where we are. It seems some of the fine citizens of the area don’t want the support group in their town anymore. They seem to think it gives the wrong image of their town."

His opinion of their attitude was obvious from his tone of voice.

Dad chimed in, "I think we can make arrangements for the space. I just wish the shelter were finished. If it were built we would have the perfect place for it. As it is I don’t know exactly were we could put it. I would volunteer my home for meetings but that would make Joseph’s HIV + situation known and he is not ready for that yet.

Suddenly I had an idea. "Dad how about if I ask Kody’s dad about using their place for the meetings. If we were to meet in the back room we could have the meeting and no one would be wiser. If you want I could ask Kody and his dad. I know Kody would go for it he is my best friend and his dad died of HIV as well."

Dave responded "Well Joseph that sounds great if he would go for it. That would tide us over till the shelter is finished. Joseph if you would please talk to them over the holidays. If they are interested have them contact me after the holiday and we will make the arrangements."

When we got home I ran upstairs to get some last minute wrapping done. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and I wanted everything done so I could relax and try to enjoy my first Christmas with Dave. I was still haunted but this bitter feeling but since talking to David and the support group, I was dealing with it better.

Mark arrived at suppertime and we sat down to a nice meal together. We talked about the support group meeting and what I had learned form it. Mark did not pry but tried to let me know he cared and was interested in me. He was staying overnight for the first time and I was a little nervous. I tried not to show it when it came time to go to bed. I went to my room and I locked the door. That was something I did not do with Dave. However I knew it would take me time to trust Mark the same way. I had settled into bed and my eyes were just beginning to close when I realized that I did not feel right locking the door. So I climbed out from the warm blankets, and walked over and unlocked the door. I just stood there for a couple of minutes fighting this battle inside of myself. I was so torn inside over this. One part of me wanted to trust Mark While the other did not trust him at all. Finally after about 10 minutes of struggle, I walked away from the door still unlocked. When I got back over to the bed I just punched my pillow over and over again. It was Christmas Eve and all I could think about was whither or not Mark would come down that hall and rape me. I knew in my head that he would not do that. He was not that kind of person; he cared deeply for Dave and had shown nothing but compassion for me. I hated myself for feeling this way. My tears fell on my pillow as I cried quietly. Finally I crawled into bed and pulled the covers up under my chin. Then it came to me that yes life had really screwed me in a lot of ways. But I had a roof over my head and a warm bed. I had a dad who loved me. I had medical care and a place to live that accepted me. What would my life be like if I had never made it here? I would still be HIV+ with no place to live and little food and no medical care. I would be a piece of meat to be used and thrown aside. So there was much to be thankful for this cold night after all. With that thought I faded off to sleep.

I awoke to the sound of Christmas Carols and Dave calling me to breakfast. Looking up at the alarm clock I could not believe it was only 7:00 AM. Dave had done it to me again. A day off and we were up with the chickens. But then I realized how much he loved me and wanted to share this day with me. My irritation faded and I smiled in spite of myself. It was Christmas Day and it was my first with my foster Dad. I reached under my bed and grabbed Mark and Dave’s presents. Slipping into my jeans I walked downstairs to greet Dad and Mark. Mark was setting at the table sipping a cup of coffee and talking with Dave while he cooked. I walked back to the living room to place there presents under the tree.

I went back into the kitchen and sat down at the table with Mark. He smiled, "Merry Christmas Joseph."

I smiled, "Merry Christmas Mark, Merry Christmas Dad."

Dave turned from the stove, "Thanks Son. Merry Christmas to you."

After Dave finished preparing breakfast we dug into waffles, sausage, orange juice and coffee.

When we had finished we all went into the living room to open presents. I stared at all the presents under the tree with my name on them. For a moment I could not speak. It still amazed me how Dave had taken me into his heart and home. I was not his flesh and blood but I was his son just as much as if I were. Without opening the first present I went and hugged him. "Thanks Dad this day means so much to me. This is my first Christmas in my new home. I am where I want to be and I am loved for the first time in my life. You don’t know how good that feels."

He smiled at me. "Joseph you don’t know how much richer and fuller you make my life. I did not know how much you would truly bless my life when you came to live here. You have repaid me many times over with your love and strength and courage."

I had tears in my eyes when he told me how he felt about me. This man had given so much to me and he felt like he was in my debt. I just shook my head. "Dad I had been trying for weeks to decide what to get you for Christmas. I wanted something that would say all that I feel for you. I could not find anything that said all that I wanted to say. Finally I saw this pocket watch it is not much I know Dad. But I want you to have it to wear to think of our time together. Dad on the back I had it engraved with what I feel in my heart."

Dave took the watch out of its box, turned it over, and read aloud "To my Dad with all my love, your son."

I looked him in the eye, "Dad I could not think of a better way of saying what I feel. You are my dad and I will always be your son. I may not be your flesh and blood son. But in my heart where it counts you will always be my Dad. Dad I love you"

We were both crying as we hugged. I had never meant anything so much in my life. I noticed that Mark had tears in his eyes as well.

When we had recovered enough to move on Dave started handing me presents to open. He had purchased several new computer games for me. As well as a new tennis racquet that I had wanted but I never dreamed he would buy. The racquet alone was over $250.00 I could not believe he had done that for me! There were many practical gifts as well such as cloths and a new heavy winter coat. I was glad to get that as I had hit a growth spurt and my old coat was almost too small. When I opened Mark’s gift I could not believe my eyes. He had given me a brand new 35 mm camera. He had included all the lenses that I would need for photographing the wildlife along the lake. I was floored by his gift.

I looked up at him, "Mark you have given me something that I will treasure for the rest of my life." I gave Mark a travel alarm clock as he spent a lot of time on the road for his job. He thanked me for it and we took our gifts to our rooms.

When we had finished, I turned towards Dad.

"Can I call Kody and see if it is OK to go over and give him his gift?"

"Sure son, go ahead."

I called Kody’s and he answered. "Come on over Joseph, I have been waiting for you to call."

I grabbed Kody’s gift and jogged all the way over to his place. He opened the door and let me in. I handed him his gift and gave me mine. Then we opened them at the same time. He had bought me a new baseball glove and I had to laugh as he had bugged me about playing for the town team. Now I knew I was trapped and would be playing this year as long as I made the team.

I gave Kody a new sports watch as he old one had died about a week before Christmas.

Over the next couple of months, life settled into a new routine as Mark moved in with us. Both Mark and I had been trying very hard to make it work. I know it was hard on him as well as me. Many times he went to reach out to touch me or comfort me when I had a bad day. I could see the frustration in his eyes as he cared and wanted to help. However I still was not comfortable with any physical contact with him. I had been working weekly with David trying to overcome it. David was also working with me on my problems with facing being HIV+.

I was still attending the support group meetings and they were helping as well.

The meetings were being held in David’s office here in town.

The other new item was my friendship with Kevin from the support group. We talked almost every day on the phone and of course saw each other on Saturday at the support meetings. I really cared for him he was a kind gentle soul. He, like me, had been abused. In his case it was his step dad. His step dad was HIV+ and had infected Kevin.

One thing that did not change was my friendship with Kody. We were always at each other’s house. I had been invited to stay for dinner at his place. We decided to order from Lusiad’s, as Dave had to close the store.

He called Lusiad’s and ordered dinner. We were having fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. It seemed that we had it almost every time I came over; it was Kody’s favorite meal. At 7:45 we went and picked up dinner and brought it to back to Kody’s. We decided to eat downstairs with his Dad so he would not have to be alone. I noticed that Dave seemed preoccupied about something. Kody noticed and said that a good friend was coming into town tomorrow. I looked up at Dave and grinned and he actually blushed! Then I noticed that Kody was excited as well and all of a sudden it was not as funny.

I looked and Kody. "Does this friend happen to have kids?"

"Yeah he does as a matter of fact you know who it is. Remember the famous author on raising boys who is coming to speak tomorrow night? It’s him and 3 of his kids. Dad has been talking to him online for a long time. Haven’t you Dad?"

I looked up at Kody’s dad and saw that he was blushing again. Wow! This must have been some serious Internet discussion Dave and his friend were having. Then it hit me the guy they were talking about had a son who was HIV+. I wondered if he would be there with his dad. Before I made the connection I had been planning to skip the program tomorrow night. Now I would not miss it for the world. Here was a chance to talk to someone who was going through the same thing I was. And he had contracted HIV the same way I had selling himself. I wanted to talk to him about how he was dealing with HIV and dealing with the memories of what he had done on the street.

I turned to Kody’s dad. "Can I make a quick phone call I need to call my dad."

"Sure, just make it quick that is the business line."

I jumped up and called home. When Dad answered I asked "Dad you know that special program coming up can I go with you?"

He sounded pleased but confused.

"Dad the man that is coming has a son who is HIV+ like me. He got it selling himself just like me. I really want to go and meet him."

The whole time I was speaking as low as I could. I had not told Kody’s dad about being HIV+ yet and did not want him to overhear our conversation.

"Sure son, I had already picked up a ticket for you before you said you were not going. So it is taken care of but don’t be too disappointed, if he is not with his dad, or does not want to talk about it. It is a very personal subject, as you know."

"Yeah dad I know. I will understand if he does not want to talk. But I really hope he will it would mean a lot to me."

"Ok son, consider it done and don’t forget to be home by 10:00."

© 2001, Joseph Men

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