Chapter 42
June 17
At my appointment last week Dr. Woodlief told me that he wanted me to start a journal. At first I was against it but he told me that it would help me sort out my feelings and fears.
I told him that I did not like the idea of hand writing it so he said I could type it on my computer. And I agreed.
I was not 100% sold on it till I talked to Matt. When I asked him he said, “Yeah I have one.”
“Does it help”?
“At first it was kind of weird and made me uncomfortable but after a while I got used to it. It’s funny but as I am writing I don’t feel like it helps. But when I go back and read what I have written I see things clearer.”
He looked at me to see if I understood what he was saying. After a moment I guess he figured I did and continued. “By putting it down on paper its like I am letting out some of the pain. But it’s more than that. When I go back and look at it I can see where I might of done something differently or handled something better. When you are caught up in a situation your emotions are all keyed up and it’s hard to think clearly. So by going back later and reading what I put down I can see things a little clearer.”
I nodded. “So you think it’s a good idea then?”
“Yeah I do. But I have to warn you a lot of the time its really hard to put bad stuff down on the page. Just stick with it and after a while you get in the habit and that makes it a little easier.”
June 18
Today the trail started and I was so nervous. It will be several days till I have to testify but it is always in the back of my mind. It makes no sense to me that I have to be grilled by the defense lawyer. But wishing is not going to change anything at all.
School has continued to improve for me. Having David, Matt and Timmy watching my back, makes people think twice about messing with me.
My mom has started seeing a therapist as well. I'm glad. She is having a hard time dealing with what happened to me. She is still blaming herself and I am hoping that she will realize that it was the fault of those ass holes that raped me, not hers.
Kevin is coming over tomorrow evening and having dinner with me. We are going out to eat and then to a movie. David, Matt, and Timmy are meeting us for the movie. Sometimes I feel a little hemmed in because they are always watching my back, but then I realize how much they care and I can’t stay mad at them. When I told them about going to the movie they said they just happened to be going to the same showing. What a coincidence! Yeah right. When I got home I called Kevin and told him. At first he was mad as well then he said, “Hey they really care about you. We should be grateful about that.”
I could hear a leer in his voice as he said, “And guess what they can sit in the front of the theater and we will sit in the back where it is dark.”
I shivered and blushed just thinking about that. I guess my voice gave me away because he laughed and said, “Hey babe I am looking forward to this, and don’t worry I am just happy to be spending the time with you. Well I had better be heading to supper. I will call you tomorrow around 8:00 PM. Ok?”
“Yeah. I will be waiting.”
“Me to babe. Love you.”
“Love you to.”
I could not believe that he had just said I love you to me and I said it back. When I got to the kitchen my mom noticed right away that something was up and asked, “What's up Josh you look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”
“I just got off the phone with Kevin and he is ok with the guys going to the movie with us.”
With a laugh she said, “That’s good honey but I know you too well, out with it.”
I blushed, hesitating fearing she would think it was childish but then said, “Ok, Ok. I’ll tell you.”
He said, “I love you, and I said it back to him.”
Mom smiled but I could see she was a little troubled.
“Mom don’t worry I am not rushing into anything. We are taking it slow.”
“I know you are growing up. It’s just hard to let go Josh. I guess you will always be my little boy.” I could see she was fighting back tears but she smiled at me and said, “This is not going to be easy for me honey. Please just understand that I love you and want you to be happy. I am trying really hard.”
I stepped over to her, gave her a hug and said, “I know mom.”
She hugged me back and I yelped as one of my ribs complained.
Mom said, “Honey I’m sorry are you ok?”
“Yeah I'm alright. The doctor said that it would be another couple of weeks till they healed completely. Most of the time they don't not even bother me.”
She looked at me and said, “Well enough mushiness its time to eat.”
As I turned to sit at the table she ran her hand through my hair and said, “Josh it’s growing back nicely.”
“Yeah another couple of weeks and I will be able to do something with it.”
When I was in the hospital they had shaved sections of it when I was being treated. So when I got out of the hospital I had it all buzzed so it would not look so weird. For a while I had just kept it short but I was ready to let it grow back out. It was in that awkward stage when it was too long to stand up and not long enough to comb. I was going to let it grow out some and then style it.
When talked to David about wanting to do something with my hair. He looked at me suspiciously for a second and said, “Mr. Simon’s exactly what do you have in mind?”
“Well I was thinking of dyeing my hair purple like you did it, sounds like a really neat color. David just rolled his eyes and smiled.
But when I said, “I can’t do a ponytail because it’s not long enough so I thought I might add some glitter.” He laughed out loud.
I was not sure I had the nerve to actually do it but it was fun teasing him about it. Anyway he had plenty of nerve saying something to me. I had seen pictures of him with his dyed dark purple with a pink ponytail!
When I called him on it he just laughed and said, “I did it to piss some redneck homophobes off. Back where I used to live there were some guys who were always making comments behind my back. So one day I decided to really give them something to talk about. I went out and got some cherry Jello and dyed everything but my ponytail. It came out a sort of deep purple color. Then I dyed my ponytail a bright pink. It was great; those idiots did not know what to think. They knew I could whip their asses so they didn’t dare say anything to my face. Lets just say I was famous around town. Though it was probably more accurate to say infamous. I kept it that way for several months till I got tired of it. Then I went to my present style.”
I giggled at that because his present “style” was just to cut it short.
June 19
Tomorrow I have to be in court. They don’t know if they will get to me or not but I have to be there just in case.
I went to see Dr.
Woodlief this afternoon and we talked about how I was feeling. He basically said
that he knew that it was going to be hard and that he would be there for me. And
he reminded me that I would have the support of my mother and all of my friends.
I asked him about upping my medication but he said, “Josh you need to be alert
to answer questions.”
I nodded but inside I was terrified.
On the way home mom tried to get me to talk to her but I just kept getting lost in my thoughts. I was really terrified to have to testify about what had happened in front of everyone. The fact that Mitch and his goons were going to be there made it even harder.
When we got home mom said, “Josh honey I know you are stressed, just remember I am here if you need me or want to talk.”
“I know mom. But right now I need to deal with this myself. I think I will go up to my room and try to read or something.”
For the rest of the day I paced around my room and just could not sit still. Mom was trying to give me space like I had asked, but I could tell she was worried about me.
Dr. Woodlief had agreed to give me some medication to help me sleep and I took it around 10:00 PM and it sure worked. The last time I remember looking at the clock was 10:30 PM. The next thing I knew it was it was morning and my alarm clock was going off.
June 20
I’m so glad that it’s finally over. Today was one of the hardest days of my life. I was in court from 8:30 AM to almost 5:00 PM. When they finally got to me it was 3:30.
The bailiff called my name and I was so nervous that I could hardly stand. The first part of my testimony was with the prosecutor and it was hard enough going back over everything. At least the judge ordered the courtroom cleared of everyone who was not directly involved in the case. But that still left 20 or so people in the courtroom. I was mad at myself for blushing and stammering when I talked about it but I could not help it. Mr. Thompson asked me to tell the court what Mitch, Sam and Kevin had done through out the year, and when they had beat me up and raped me. When I finished I was fighting back the tears.
He gave me a minute to wipe my eyes and take a couple of deep breaths then he said “Josh how did you feel when they forced you to do these things?”
“I ...felt … dirty…used. They made my life a living hell for over a year. Then they raped me and took me and dumped me in the woods in the snow. If that guy had not found me I would have died.”
When I said that the defense attorney stood up and said “Objection. He does not know that for sure I move that his comment be stricken from the record”
The judge said “Well it sounds like a reasonable assumption to make. Objection overruled.”
With that the prosecutor said, “Your honor I have no further questions for Mr. Simons.”
The defense attorney stood up and approached me. He smiled at me trying to put me off guard but I was not fooled at all. You could see that the smile was fake it did not reach his eyes. They were cold and calculating.
“Mr. Simons you are gay aren’t you?”
“Yes sir.”
He leaned in towards me with condescending smile and said “In fact you came on to them didn’t you?”
Before I could answer he went on.
“You approached them and offered to perform oral sex on them.”
“NO! I did not. They forced me to”
“In fact you are just naming my clients to get even for them telling on you.”
“That is not true it was them”
Suddenly he switched to my first name “Now Josh you are a known homosexual. You’re not going to expect the court to believe that you have not been sleeping with other guys, even adult men. Isn’t it true that one of you other acquaintances actually got to rough with you and you are covering up for him?”
The prosecutor stood up and said “Objection your honor. Mr. Simon’s is not on trial here and the question is un warranted and improper.”
“Objection sustained.”
The judge looked furious and said, “Counsels to the bench.”
When they were both in front of him he said Mr. Allen one more comment like that last one and you will be in contempt of court. Is that clear. I wont warn you again. You will not badger the witness”
“Yes your honor.”
After the exchange with the judge the defense attorney seemed to run out of steam. He went over some of the details trying to poke a hole in my story but he could not. When he was finished the prosecutor came back up to clear up a few points and that was that. When I looked at the clock I had been on the stand for an hour and a half. In some ways it felt like an eternity but it was finally over!
When the judge did not allow the defense attorney to use some kind of gay panic as a defense they just folded.
He did not have anything else he could put forward and he wrapped up sooner then anyone had thought he would.
It was a weird feeling knowing it was close to being over, but till they were sentenced I knew I would not feel safe.
It took a moment for me to be able to speak and then I said, “I don’t feel real proud right now. I just feel exhausted and kind of sick.”
My mom came up and I stood up and hugged her. It might sound childish but I really needed that hug right then.
I was the last witness for the day and court was dismissed right after my testimony. The DA and my mom both told me that I had done well but I was drained by it. The really weird part was that I did not feel as good about it as I thought I would. They were going to be punished for what they did. But it would not undo what had been done and all I really felt as I was leaving was sad and really down.
My mom noticed and said, “Josh hon you did it! I am really proud of you. It took real courage to get up there and go through all of that again.”
I looked up at her trying to fight back my tears and said, “Yeah but I will still live with it for the rest of my life. How many lives had that damn preacher ruined?”
She pulled me into a hug and said, “Josh hon I know its been rough on you. I can hardly imagine what you have been through. But you have made it through the worst of it now. Dr. Woodlief says that you are making really good progress.”
“I know and some days I actually believe it. But then there are days like today when I feel that nothing has changed at all.
Can we go home I think I need to lie down for a while? I have a headache and don’t feel too good”
She said, “Sure honey. Just let me get my purse and we will head back home. I will order some pizza and that way you can just rest.”
It was raining when we left the courthouse. When we got into the car I just stared out the window. Mom could tell I needed some space and she left me alone as we drove home. As soon as we pulled away from the courthouse I stopped fighting the tears. I turned my head away from mom so I would not worry her too much but I knew she could tell. I was all confused inside and I did not understand why. Before my testimony I had thought that I would be happy once it was over. But now I realized that it would follow me, and the bastards who raped me for the rest of our lives.
Don’t get me wrong. They deserved what they would get. But for the rest of our lives we would be linked by an event that would have repercussions for all of us. They would be branded sex offenders and would spend the rest of their lives on the margins of society. Everywhere they would go they would have to register. If you had told me before my testimony that I would actually feel sad for them I would have said you were nuts.
I hated when I got like this. The feelings of helplessness just sapped all the energy from me when I first went into therapy most of my days were like this. But gradually with the therapy and medication things had gotten better. Having a boyfriend who really cared for me had helped a lot. When I was with him I did not feel useless and unloved.
I remember how embarrassed I was in my last meeting with Dr. Woodlief. We were talking about how much progress I had made and he had said, “Josh I am really glad things are going so well between you and Kevin.
I had laughed and said, “He is good for myself esteem.”
Dr. Woodlief smiled and nodded.
And for some reason I added, “and that’s not all he is good for.”
It just sort of slipped out and I bushed bright red.
Dr. Woodlief looked surprised and laughed.
But then he turned serious and said, “Josh just promise me you will take things slow. Physically you are not ready for some things. Please be patient make sure that you are ready for anything you two do”
“Don’t worry we are taking it slow. I know what the doctors said and we won’t do anything stupid. I promise.
He nodded and we went back to talking about less stressful things.
I never did tell him exactly what Kevin and I did and he did not ask. He was cool like that. I really liked having a gay therapist. I did not have to justify or explain things to him. If my therapist were straight there would have been a wall that we both would have had to overcome. But Dr. Woodlief had been in my shoes as a gay youth and I could talk to him and know he was not judging me about things he did not understand.
When we arrived home I took the medication that Dr. Woodlief had given me for today. He had known that I would be really stressed so he had prescribed something to help me afterwards. He had said that I had to wait till after because it would make me too fuzzy to testify. After I took it I went to lie down.
I closed my eyes and tried to relax but images kept coming back to me. They were like strobe light photos.
When they grabbed me and beat me up.
When I first realized they were not going to stop. It went on and on like some crazy kaleidoscope. I needed to lie still to try and keep the migraine from getting worse but there was no way I could.
I got up and sat in the chair with all the lights off and tried to concentrate on something anything that would stop the images and the pain.
It seemed to go on forever but it could only have been about 45 minutes till I felt the medication kick in.
Gradually I began to feel really drowsy and the pain faded to a dull ache.
I fell asleep in the chair and did not wake up till mom came in ask if I was up to eating. I was glad I had not taken the medication before I testified because I felt like I was wading through quicksand. The only problem with the medication is that it took the edge off everything. I love pizza and I felt like I was eating cardboard. After I ate it I told mom I was going to lay down again. This time I had no trouble falling asleep.
June 24
For the next couple of days they had closing arguments and then it went to the jury. They deliberated for about 3 hours and came back. I was there so I could witness them be convicted. I was holding my breath as the judge asked. Madam foreman has the jury reached a verdict?’
“Yes your honor we have.”
The bailiff took the paper from the foreman and handed it to the judge and then he asked, “How do you find on indictment number one, rape of a minor?”
“We the jury find the defendants guilty.”
“How do you find on the count of assault?”
“We the jury find them guilty.”
“How do you find on the count of attempted murder?”
“We find them guilty”
I could hear several of the family members of those jerks crying in the
background and the judge said, “Order in the court.”
The judge looked up and said, “Madam foreman and members of the jury I wish to thank you for a job well done. The jury is dismissed with our thanks.”
Then he said, “Mr. Thompson and Mr. Allen. We will have a sentencing hearing for July 14. Both attorneys looked at their calendars and said that date was fine.
The bailiff said, “All rise.” and we stood up and the judge left the room.
Then it hit me. It was over it was finally over. I sat back down and started to cry. I felt the prosecutor put his hand on my back and he said, “Josh you did fine. I am really proud of you. It took guts to get up there and face them.”
My mom said, “Honey lets get out of here. There will be a bunch of reporters waiting outside. We are going to go out the side entrance and try to avoid them.
I stood up and shaking my head. It just did not seem real to me. After all I had been through it was finally over.
Mom and I made our way out the side door and got into our car. As we pulled out of the parking lot I could see camera crews and reporters talking with the D.A. I shuddered and said a silent prayer of thanks that I did not have to face that on top of everything else.
For the first time in over a year I did not have to worry about Mitch and his goons. They would not be around to torment me and now I did not have to worry about them somehow getting off and seeking revenge. With the guilty verdicts it would be years till they would be eligible for parole.
As soon as we got home I called Kevin to tell him how it went. He had wanted to be there but the courtroom had been restricted to family on both sides and the attorneys because I was a minor.
As the phone rang I tried to figure out why I felt so lost all of a sudden.
When I heard him on the phone I felt better. He answered and said, “Josh?”
“Yeah its me. How did you know?”
“Caller ID silly.”
“Oh yeah”
“I heard about it on the news. It says they were found guilty on all counts.
Josh? Hon are you ok?”
“I will be its just hard to believe its finally over.
The trial I mean. For so long I have lived in fear of them and now its over. They can’t physically hurt me ever again. But…”
I could hear the love and concern for me as he said, “I know babe.”
It still amazed me that he did love me and understood that I still had a lot to go through. He did not try to minimize it or pretend it did not exist. That meant a lot to me. He was just there for me and that was the most important thing he could do for me.
“Are you going to be able to come over tomorrow and spend the night?”
“Mom says it depends on how you are doing. I am coming over for sure. If you are up to it then I am spending the night.”
“Good. I need you to be here.”
I heard my mom call me from the kitchen to tell me that lunch was ready so I reluctantly said, “Kevin moms calling me and I have to go to lunch. I will see you tonight. What time are they bringing you?”
“Hold on I will check.”
I heard him put down the phone and he was gone for a minute then he came back on and said, “She says they will have me there around 4:30. We have to wait for my sister to get home from her job so she can watch my little brother. I cant wait to see you, I've missed you so, so much.”
It made me so happy that I started to cry when he said it and had to fight back the tears as I said, “Me to.”
“Well it wont be long now.”
“I know.”
© Joseph Men 2005