The Closing
Chapter 7
The next morning around 9:OOAM I received a phone call from Dr. Woodliefs receptionist Shirley. She said that Dr. Woodlief would be glad do recommend someone to me but that he felt that he could not see both of us. It could cause a potential conflict of interest. I sighed and thanked her. Then she gave me the name of a therapist who she said was highly regarded in the gay community. She said his name was Dr.Connors. After she gave me his number she reminded me of Matt’s appointment for later in the week and we hung up. I called the number for Dr. Connors and talked with his receptionist. It turned out I was in luck as someone had just canceled for the next day at noon. I grabbed the time and thanked her for her help. After I had finished up some paperwork I went downstairs to help Zack get things ready for a poetry reading at 8:30 tonight. We moved the sofas and the chairs into a semi circle and I put on some coffee. The poetry reading was something that I had come to enjoy, as it was informal and the group really tried to keep their comments positive. When I could I would sit in and listen to the readings sometimes I would even read some of my poetry. Someone was assigned by the group to bring refreshments each week. I had agreed to provide the coffee so I had installed a commercial sized coffee maker in the kitchen. Then I would bring down the coffee in carafes. I had tried to get Matt involved but he had the typical teenagers attitude to poetry. It seemed to bore him to tears.
As we were finishing up I asked Zack “How are things coming with your dad? He seems to have put a lot of effort into the meeting hall.
Zack shrugged and said “He is trying I know that. It’s so awkward now. Before mom died he was so different.”
How Zack?
“He would talk to me about school and what I was doing and really seem to be interested. Now it’s like he is going through the motions. It’s like something inside of him died when mom passed away. I’ve tried and tried to reach him but he just shuts me out. It was hard enough losing mom but now I feel like I’ve lost him as well.”
Zack was trying hard to hold back the tears. I could tell that he was not telling me everything. It was his decision how much he told me and when and I tried to respect that. So I softly told him. “Zack its ok to cry holding it in does nothing but make it worse. Believe me I know all to well about that. It took me years to finally believe that letting out all that I had bottled up was the only way to heal. If you don’t let it out it just eats you up inside. I griped his shoulder for a moment and then went back upstairs to get the carafes. Matt was sitting at the kitchen table finishing up his homework. He was an excellent student who took school seriously. It took me a while to realize that he did not have to be watched over constantly and bugged about doing his homework. He looked up at me as I poured the coffee in the carafes and said “I’m going to get on the computer now if you don’t need it.”
“No I have the poetry group tonight. You could come down and join us if you want to.”
Rolling his eyes he said “No thanks. Lets see, computer time with my friends or poetry reading. I think I will pick computer time.”
Shaking his head and laughing he left me to my coffee pots.
Jim looked over at me and said “Joe is going to read a poem he wrote just a couple of weeks ago.”
I walked to the front to read my poem. It did not matter how many times I read a poem in front of people I always get nervous. I cleared my throat and began.
Ice Kingdom
gleaming daggers
jewels set in natures crown
every branch, twig, and blade of grass
arrayed in glory
as foolish plants
had rushed headlong out of their dens of earth
thinking to steal some time
from winters grip
paying the price
captured and entombed
displayed like some butterfly
in a trophy case
beautiful
lifelike unmoving
frozen in time
I wrote the poem as a way to express the cruelty and beauty of the storm. On a deeper level it also expressed how after some devastating events we could become frozen in that moment. I mean that we can’t move past it. Till we deal with it.
The group seemed to really like the poem and several others took turns before we wrapped up. When everyone was gone Zack helped me clean up and get the shop ready for the morning.
When we were finished Zack turned to me and asked. “Mr. Brooks do you have a few minutes?”
“Sure Zack.”
“Its about my Dad. I don’t know what to think anymore. Every time I get my hopes up he does something vindictive or hateful again. Then he acts all sorry and apologies but I am getting tired of taking the abuse and then forgiving him and starting all over again.”
“Zack has something happened since the meeting where he was out of line?”
Zack looked down and started shaking I could see that he was crying. “He got drunk last night and called me all kinds of things. I really thought he had accepted me for who I was but now I know it was all a lie. I don’t think I can take it any more Mr. Brooks. You can only have your hopes smashed so many times before you just give up.”
He looked up at me, tears running down his cheeks. I knew what he was looking for. He wanted some kind of hope something to hang onto. But I did not have the answers no one does. It would depend on how much love his dad had left after the death of his wife. Like the branches in the poem his dad had become frozen in a pattern of anger and self-destructive behavior with his son. It might be that he would never be able to move past it. For Zack’s sake I could only hope the he would be able to. The toughest thing was if his dad did not make the effort. Then Zack was going to lose his Dad as well as his mother. He would not have any choice if he were going to heal. Allowing another to abuse you was never healthy and set a terrible precedent for relationships, as he grew older. The same was true of Matt to be truly healthy he had to learn that relationships between people had to be based caring and building up not tearing down.
“Zack I wish I had some way to make this easier for you. But the truth is that it is never easy when you are in an abusive situation. If you want I will recommend someone for you both to see. What you need to find out is he willing to work on this and just as importantly are you willing to hang in there if he is serious about changing. Because I can guarantee that it will not be easy. He will not change over night. He needs to come to terms with both the death of your mother and your orientation. There is no excuse for his behavior and you should not allow him to try. You will need to be firm with him. Get into counseling and learn to deal with his pain in a proper manor or your relationship is over. If he is smart he will try to salvage it. If not please remember that it is not your fault. Zack please listen to me on this. You are a fine young man. He should be proud that you have withstood the death of your mother and loss of your father emotionally. If you need to take a couple of days off take them.”
“No thanks Mr. Brooks this place is a refuge for me. It is one of the few places I can relax and just be myself.”
“Is it safe for you to go home tonight?”
“Yeah he never drinks on work nights, just on the weekends. Besides if he is drunk I will go over to my boyfriends place and spend the night.”
“Boyfriend”
Zack blushed and said. “Yeah I have been seeing him for a couple of weeks.”
Teasing him a little I said.” How come I have not met him?”
“Well he is kind of shy and…”
“I’m just kidding Zack you don’t have to bring your boyfriends over to get my approval.”
“I know but I do want you to meet him.”
“Well when you get the chance bring him on by. I would love to meet him.”
“I had better get moving it is late and I still have a test to study for.”
“Ok Zack take care my friend. If there is anything I can do just let me know. I will have a name for you tomorrow if he is willing to make the effort. If he is not then you should go anyway to help you deal with it.”
Zack turned as he was walking to the door and said. “Thanks Mr. Brooks you have been a big help.”
“Your welcome Zack”
With that he headed out the door locking it behind him. I tuned and walked up to the third floor. My heart was heavy thinking back on the conversation Zack and I had just had. There future was far from certain. I shook my head to try to clear my thoughts before checking in on Matt. I found him on his computer chatting with some friends.
He looked up as I walked into the room and smiled at me and asked, “How was the poetry meeting it sure lasted a long time. I mean how long can it take to read that stuff.”
He giggled and ducked as I threw a pillow at him from the couch. I could not help it I laughed as well. He was just jerking my chain and I was glad that he was getting comfortable enough with me to do it.
Still grinning I said, “You had better be careful or I will write one about you. Let me see how would it go…”
“Oh no you don’t”
He seem really flustered so I stopped teasing him and said, “I was just teasing Matt you know I would never intentionally embarrass you.”
He blushed and said, “I know.”
“But I will warn you if you tease me I will tease you right back. So beware young man.”
He smiled and said “Thanks Uncle.”
“For what Matt.”
“For everything.”
“Your most welcome Matt.”
He said good-bye to his friends and turned off the computer. Then came over and gave me a goodnight hug and said, “Night Uncle.”
I had a lump in my throat as I watched him walk to his room. If anyone should be saying thanks it should be me. He had brought more joy and growth into my life in these few weeks. I was going to do everything in my power to make sure that he would grow up healthy emotionally as well as physically. He was going to get the help that was not available for my sister and me.
I turned out the lights in the apartment and went to bed© Joseph Men 2004