CHAPTER 16
Feb 19
We played a couple of games on my playstation before Uncle called us to dinner. After dinner we helped him with the dishes and then headed down to the youth support meeting. The first couple of meetings were kind of lame if you ask me. But now they were getting a lot better. We actually had 35 youth at our meeting. The ages range from 14 to 20. It was cool to be around so many other guys who were my age.
I am still in the new group and that kind of sucks. But I understand it would not look good for them to make an exception for me just because we let them use the space. I have 3 more weeks left. Then I can go into the general discussion group where we get to pick what we talk about. I hear they can get kind of rowdy. Timmy told me that he really likes it because you never know what you might end up talking about. He said you could bring up almost anything as long as it was not directed at someone in the support group.
Heck some of the topics in the new group make me blush, but they figure if you don’t know about what’s dangerous and ways to protect yourself you could end up dead.
Timmy and I sat together at the opening part of the meeting and he held my hand! We got a little ribbing about it from some of the older guys but it was not meant in a mean way. They were just saying “Way to go.”
I think I blushed bright enough to light the room. But after a while it just felt natural and I forgot we were even holding hands.
Next Saturday they are going to have a movie night and Timmy and I are going to attend. You can’t get much safer than being at the youth center. I like the idea because we can sit there and hold hands and just relax without worrying about who might be looking.
You know it feels so right when I lean back in Timmy’s arms on the sofa. I feel like its where I belong.
Feb 20
He kissed me goodnight! OH MY GOD! I can’t believe it I just got my first kiss. I mean a for real kiss on the lips kiss. I thought my knees were going to give way. Then he smiled and headed down the steps to the store. I was in shock as I opened the door to our apartment. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. One thing for sure I had to go to my room and take care of something right after.
Hell if we ever do half the things I have thought up in my fantasies we would be worn out all the time. I had better not let Uncle see this section. He might be a little worried about me.
Hehe I guess I got ahead of myself with writing this down.
We went to the movie together and then went for ice cream. It was strange having to pretend we were just friends. I was on edge all the time to not give us away. It kind of made me sad to do that. Don’t get me wrong I still had a good time with Timmy it’s just that I want us to be able to be ourselves. But I know that Timmy’s dad is right that we have to be careful. I just wish the world was not so screwed up is all.
Feb 22
Timmy came over after school and we had a good time. I am still a little nervous around him. It’s silly I know but he is so together about who he is and what he wants and I envy that. I know I should not feel that way but I do. He has had it rough as well but he knows who he is. Sometimes I don’t feel that way about myself at all. I mean I know I am gay duh. But when it comes to who knows about it I get all tied up inside. Sometimes I guess I care too much about what others are thinking. That is why I envy Timmy sometimes. I guess I am still adjusting to getting outted at school. But I have to admit it was not nearly as bad as I had feared it would be. You are always going to have jerks who want to bully someone whither you are gay or straight. But most of the school does not seem to care all that much one way or the other.
I am worried about the tennis team though. I am taking lessons so I can try out in the spring and I wonder how they will react to someone who’s openly gay trying out. I don’t know if I will get a fair chance or not. Zack told me not to worry that knew several guys on the team and it was a pretty laid back bunch. Well we shall see.
There I go again worrying about all sorts of things that are beyond my control.
Feb 24
Tomorrow night is movie night at the youth center. Timmy and I are going to use it as a date night. We know we cant do anything but hold hands and watch the movie but it will be nice to be able to do that.
There is so much I like about Timmy. Like when we are holding hands he will just run his fingers over my hand. It sends tingles up and down my spine. It is so natural that he does not even think about it. But I love it. Then there are his eyes. They are a beautiful shade of brown. Sometimes I get embarrassed when he stares into my eyes and I look away, because the look he gives me is so intense. I get to feeling uncomfortable because I can’t see what he sees in me. He is so much more together than I am and I get intimidated sometimes.
Feb 26
Our second date was really nice. We got there early so we could pick the love seat. We grabbed a tub of popcorn and got comfortable. Timmy sort of laid back against the arm of the sofa and I leaned back in his arms. Now that is the way to watch a movie! I felt so safe in his arms. When he holds me like that the world sort of fades away. I like to feel his body against mine. The movie was ok but I just enjoyed being on the couch with him. AT first I was a little self-conscious but there were other couples there as well and there were two adults there as well to make sure things did not get out of hand or in hand. I wish.
After the movie I walked him downstairs to the main floor and he kissed me again. But this time we took our time. WOW! AT least this time I was ready and it was really great. Did I mention Timmy is a GREAT kisser? Well he is.
Feb 28
There was trouble at school today. Mitch came at me for no reason and sucker punched me. I remembered just in time and did not punch him back. I got a bloody nose out of it and a ruined shirt. But he got arrested for assault and battery. I think he is gone for the year now. The second offence is automatic expulsion and he will have to apply to the school board next year to get back in. What an asshole!
Timmy came running up to the nurses station when he found out what had happened. The nurse was a bit put out by this kid showing up and demanding to know how I was. But I kind of liked the fact that he was right up front about the fact that he cared for me. I had figured that everyone knew about us anyway because I was outted and he was well known as being gay. I think Timmy was more rattled than I was about it. But the nurse eventually got him calmed down enough so she could work on me. Then she gave him a pass to get into class so he would not get into trouble. After he left I thanked her. Most people would have not done that. She just smiled and told me I had a cute boyfriend, which caused me to blush instantly. And said “I can remember being young and being in love. Just enjoy it while it lasts Matt.”
“Thanks Mrs. Davidson.”
“Your welcome Matt.”
Uncle told me he was proud of me for using my head instead of my fist. That made me feel good but I know there are going to be idiots at school who will blame me for Mitch’s getting kicked out. They will be calling me a coward for not fighting him and all the other lovely things that homophobes call gay people. Oh well what the hell, as they say.
Uncle told me he was going to get a restraining order on Mitch so if he violated it he would get into even more trouble. I guess that should have made me feel better but somehow it made me even more nervous. I had not even considered that he might come after me again.
March 1
Today was kind of weird I almost did not go to school. My left eye was swollen almost shut and I was kind of afraid of what people were going to say about me at school. But when I got to school outside of a few odd looks and some whispers behind my back everything was kind of normal. I did get excused from Gym class though. All day I was on edge but nothing really happened good or bad.
March 4
A new kid came to the support group meeting tonight. His name is Josh and he is 14 and kind of cute. I feel really sorry for him it turns out that Mitch and his friends have been picking on him really badly. They lived in the same neighborhood and had been beating him up and threatening him constantly. He had not reported it because they threatened to do worse if he did. He broke down in the meeting when he was talking about it. There was something about him that just made you want to protect him. He was a sweet kid who happened to have a lot of mannerisms that people think of when they think of gay people. And for that they made his life hell.
He was sitting next to me in the meeting and I just reached over and gave him a hug. But he did not let go as he cried on my shoulder. I could feel my shirt getting soaked as he cried and cried. Mrs. Taylor who was our facilitator for the meeting came over and whispered in his ear that she would take him to the office where he could be talk to one of the adults who were on hand for things like this. It took a couple of minutes to get him to let go of me. I just felt awful about what he was going through. She was gone for about 10 minutes and when she came back she looked upset. The rest of the meeting was really subdued.
When we finished up our meeting we went back into the main area for snacks and to mingle a little before everyone left. I quickly found Timmy and told him about Josh. I made sure that no one overheard us as I did not want to embarrass Josh or make him feel worse. Timmy was as upset as I was and he told me that his dad was worried about Mitch to because he seemed to be losing it. He was already in a whole lot of trouble and might me tempted to get back at anyone he blamed for his problems. His dad said that was how some people thought. They always blamed their problems on others so they did not have to face them. That way everything in their lives was someone else’s fault. When Timmy told me that his dad was worried as well I began to really freak out. Timmy gave me a hug and told me things would work out. The hug helped settle me down and we went to get something to drink and some chips. But I could not get poor Josh off my mind. I looked for him for the rest of the meeting but did not see him again. I guess he had gone home. I asked Mrs. Taylor and she told me that his mom had come and picked him up. Then she asked me if we would look out for him at school and to let them know if I saw anything at school. I told her I would but with Mitch expelled I thought it would die down. She said she hoped so and walked back to where the facilitators were all talking.
When it was time for Timmy to leave he could tell I was still upset and he just held me for a couple of minutes before he left.
When I went back upstairs to our place I told Uncle about Josh and what Timmy’s dad said about Mitch. He looked worried and told me he was going to talk to Timmy’s dad and see what he thought could be done.
© Joseph Men 2004