Chapter 29
April 11
After school we had practice for the play. Timmy and I always looked forward to it because it gave us a chance to work together on something at school. Mr. Davidson is really nice he has really worked hard make the play a success. I guess he is somewhere around 50 years old. But he does not act old at all. When he is teaching AP English he always tries to make things interesting for us. I just wish all my teachers, were as good as he is. He is a perfectionist without being ugly about it. He will come up to you and show you what needs to be done differently and he does it so you feel good about it. I have had so much fun this year that I already told him that I would work on next year’s play as well.
Timmy is going to take a class in self-defense and he wants me to take it as well. I’m not really all that excited about it but if I take it I get to spend more time with him. So it’s not all bad.
April 12
Tennis tryouts went pretty good. I made the team and I think I will play in some of the matches but it will take a lot of practice for me to crack the top four for singles. Coach says that I will probably play number 4 or 5 doubles this year. It looks like I will be teamed with Neil he is a year older than me and seems ok with me. I just wish that he would open up a little with me. We talk during the practice but anywhere else he does not seem to want to acknowledge me at all. I guess it comes with the territory.
Coach had the preliminary lineups posted the today after the tryouts. I was so excited that I was listed to play in matches but I know I would have to work hard to stay in the position. Of course it meant that I would have to arrange a ride home some days as I could not expect my uncle to take time off everyday to pick me up.
Fortunately the play was going to be put on this Friday and Saturday. I am kind of nervous about it. I always worry about messing up. But Timmy told me to just relax you know what you are doing. I guess he is right but I can’t help worrying about it.
April 14
We did 2 shows and they went well. It was a real rush to run the light board and do it right. Timmy was right and once we got going I really enjoyed it.
The set was really cool. It was the outline of a subway car with the edges of the stage made to look like a subway station. It was designed so we could turn it between scenes. That allowed us to have two sets on the same platform. Timmy’s group would change the one turned to the back between acts. When we first signed up for the play I could not see how we would ever pull it off. But it went really smooth.
Because I was handling the lights I was busy the entire time. That was good because it did not give me much time to worry and the time really flew by. I had control of the main stage lights as well giving the cues for the spotlight as well. There was a 12 page list of times and lighting sequences that I had to follow. The first practice I almost quit it seemed so overwhelming. But gradually I got the hang of it and by the time we got to the opening night it was almost second nature.
I have had fun running the lights and I am thinking of taking some classes in lighting in college. It’s not something I am going to try to do for a living but I do like it.
The two leads were really good. The female lead is Anne and I don’t care for her at all. She is so stuck up and social conscious that it is sickening. She has nothing but contempt for anyone she thinks is different from her. So you can imagine what she thinks of Timmy and me what’s worse she makes no attempt to hide how she feels. Her backup is named Trish and she is pretty cool. She does hang with us or anything but she does not treat us like lepers.
Now the male lead Bobby could not be anymore different. I think he might be able to make it as an actor if he really wanted to. But he has other plans for his life. He is going to medical school when he graduates this year. He has already been taking some college courses.
He is one of those guys that you could end up hating because you are jealous of him. I know the real story and know how much work he has put in. The guy is totally focused on what he wants to do with his life. I admire him for that. He comes from a large family and the only way he could afford to go to a top college was to get scholarships. He worked his butt off and now it has paid off for him. He will be going to Harvard in the premed program.
I did not know him till we started working on the play together. While I would not call us good friends now we talked a number of times. He was comfortable enough with himself that he did not worry about being seen talking with me. In fact my being gay was not an issue. When we talked it was about our goals and what we wanted to do with our lives it came up because Timmy and I were going to try to go to the same university. That meant that we had to find a place to go that offered the best programs for both of us. Bobby actually took the time to look into it for us and made some good recommendations. Some girl was going to be really lucky because he was a really good person as well as really talented.
When the curtain fell for the last time I felt so many emotions that it was overwhelming. My first reaction was thank god! It’s over. But right after that I was sad. We had put so much work into it and it had come out really good. It was my first time working together on something as a team. In sports you belong to a team but somehow this was different.
April 18
We had tennis practice this afternoon. The weather is finally getting better and it was warm enough to have some fun. Neil and I really play well together. He has a really strong serve and he has a good volley. I have an ok server but I return serve real well and have a strong volley. So he sets me up a lot to put the ball away. We won our practice match 6-2 6-4 and coach talked over the match with is afterwards.
After the practice coach pulled me aside and said, “Matt welcome to the team.”
“Thanks coach.”
He looked at me for a second and said, “Matt I just want you to know that I think you are going to be a good addition to the team.”
He hesitated and then said, “Look I won’t lie to you. You are going to face some things during the year that others won’t have to deal with. I could care less whither you are gay, straight, or BI. All I care about is that you give me your best at practice and in matches. You are representing your school and your team. Just make sure that you think first before you act.”
I think he could see that I was getting upset because he said, “Matt let me finish ok? What I am trying to say is that you are going to hear comments from time to time. But you must remember that you are part of a team. Don’t let them get to you, I know it is not fair, but there are a lot of idiots out there. Keep your cool and it will be ok. You have a good doubles partner there. You two should play well together your strengths compliment each other. If you two work hard you could well end up playing as high as number 3 this year.”
When he said that I felt really stupid. I had started to get mad because I thought I knew what he was going to say. That just goes to show you that you never should judge people ahead of time.
I smiled at Coach and said, “Thanks Coach I really appreciate it.”
“Just prove me right Matt. That’s all that I ask.”
“I will do my best coach and thanks for supporting me being on the team.”
“Like I said just go out there play well. That’s all that I care
about.”
After he walked away I hurried inside and changed and headed to the front of school where Uncle was waiting for me.
The first thing he said to me was, “How did it go Matt?”
“It went well we won our practice match and coach talked to me afterwards. He told me that I would have to remember that I that I remember that I represented the school. He said that I could not loose my cool if people made comments to me. He told me that he did not care one way or another about my orientation. He just cared about how I acted and played. That was cool of him.”
Uncle nodded and said, “It sounds like it is going well, I’m glad Matt.”
April 20
Tonight was our first youth support meeting back at the store. A lot of our friends had questions. So we spent about 10 minutes filling them in.
This was Josh’s first meeting back as well. When we found him he was surrounded by most of the guys from school. They were laughing about something. It was good to hear him laughing like that.
The youth support meeting went well. Everyone welcomed Josh back and he seemed to have a good time. However later towards the end of the meeting I noticed that he was alone in the corner and he looked kind of lost. So I walked over to him and asked him if he was ok. He said, “I’m ok, don’t worry Matt.”
“Josh do you remember what I told you was the biggest mistake that I made?”
He looked puzzled for a moment then said, “That you were not honest enough with the people trying to help.”
His had a guarded expression and he voice seemed to lack any inflection when he spoke. It kind of freaked me out because I recognized the feeling behind it all to well.
He shivered and said, “Sometimes I kind of go numb Matt. It scares me but there does not seem to be anything I can do about it. One minute I am fine, the next I shut down. Dr. Woodlief says it will get better but I am not so sure.”
Now his eyes had an intensity that was almost scary. I knew what he was asking for but I did not know if I could really give him the answer he was looking for.
I hesitated, gathering my thoughts and said, “Josh it does get better that much I can tell you. But I won’t lie, it’s not a straight line.”
He looked confused and I realized that I had to find a better way to express what I trying to say to him.
So I said, “What I was trying to say is that it is not all ways good. I have good days and bad days still. If you look at it, there are more good days now than bad, but there are still bad ones. I think of it sort of like a graph. Now days I have more positive times than negative ones. It took a long time for me to get here. But if you are asking me if it is worth it the answer is yes.”
He nodded and said, “Thanks Matt. Sometimes I get caught up in the memories and they drag me right back down all over again. Its not like I want to, but I get sucked down by them.”
It was my turn to shiver as I remembered some of the sessions with Dr. Woodlief. He had helped me to go back and come to terms with what I had been through. To be honest most of the time he had carried me kicking and screaming through the memories. It had been almost as painful reliving them it had been originally. Gradually with the help of the medication and therapy I was getting better. At first the changes were so subtle that did not recognize them. But gradually I had realized that I was feeling more in control of myself, and my emotions. I still feared regressing but now I could go days without hitting one of those rough sections when every thing around me seemed to turn gray and I would become disconnected from my feelings.
I did not want to dump all this on him at once and I struggled to find a way to express what I needed to say to him.
“Josh what you are feeling
is a lot like what I went through. When I first started dealing will all this
crap it took me a long time to recognize that I was getting better. I guess that
I thought that I would wake up one day and everything would be ok. But it does
not work that way. You have good days and bad days. Gradually you realize that
you are beginning to have more good than bad. It took me a good while to get
there and there were many times when I was convinced that it would never get
better. That’s why it is so important to be honest with the people who are
trying to help. When I lied and tried to cover up how I was really feeling I
ended up in the hospital. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
I looked him right in the
eye and said, “Josh if you don’t pay attention to anything else I say, pay
attention to this.”
He nodded and said, “I guess that I did need to hear it again, thanks.”
“Your welcome Josh.”
I could see he was fighting to keep from crying so I said, “Can I give you a hug?”
“Yeah I could use one right now.”
I hugged him and said, “Josh its going to get better.”
He sighed and said, “I hope so, because right now I can’t see how it’s going to. Will all that is coming up with the trial. I am not sure I can make it through it Matt. Each day I tell myself just make it through today. That’s all that I can do, break it down into sections and try to make it through each one.”
He gave me a faint smile and said, “Thanks for being there for me. I appreciate it, I really do.”
I gave him another hug and then he pulled away and said, “It’s almost time for me to go. Mom has to pick me up a little early tonight. I will see you at school on Monday.
After we had cleaned up and everyone else headed home I lay on the couch and had Timmy just hold me. I was still a little shook up from my conversation with Josh. It was not easy seeing someone else go through so much of what I had experienced.
One of the things I really love about Timmy is how well he knows me. When I need to be held and don’t want to talk much he respects that. Don’t get me wrong he will say something if he thinks I need to hear it, but he gives me space when I need him to. We have grown so much closer over the last couple of weeks.
It’s amazing how your perspective changes when your life is in danger. You start to focus on what really matters to you. After our talk at his grandparent’s farm things had changed in our relationship. I had become more assertive and honest about what I wanted out of the relationship. It had taken us a while to work out what that meant, but now I was grateful that we had. Now we could almost complete each other’s thoughts. We were bound by our love for each other and a real desire to make our relationship work.
April 21
Today has been a really crazy day. When I got to school Timmy and Jack were waiting for me. I knew from the look on their faces that the news could not be good. It was not.
“What’s the matter? I asked?”
“The DA’s office contacted Josh yesterday about testifying and he is really upset. He won’t talk to any of us at all, he said was that he needed to speak to you.”
“Where is he?”
Timmy said, “He is waiting with David in the lunch room.”
I hurried over to lunchroom with Timmy and Jack following behind me. When I got there David looked up with a worried look on his face. He did not say anything leaving that up to Josh.
When he saw me he asked, “Matt could we talk for a minute alone?”
“Where?”
“I already asked and the Mrs. Sanders said we could use her office if we wanted to.”
“You mean the guidance counselor?”
“Yeah.”
“OK.”
We walked down the hall and took the left by the office. Here office was down near the English department. When we got there Josh knocked on the door and after a moment she answered.
She smiled but I could tell that she was troubled about what was going on.
After a moment she said, “Josh do you want me to stay?”
I thought he was going to say no but after a moments hesitation he nodded.
When we were all seated in her office she looked over at Josh and he looked down and said, “Matt the DA’s office contacted mom yesterday and I am going to have to testify about what happened.” I was hoping it would be a long time down the road before the trial started. But now it looks like it could be as early as late spring.
I winced when he said that because I still might have to testify against mom and dad. Apparently there was some kind of plea-bargaining that was going on. My Uncle was hopeful that I would not have to testify if things went as they expected.
I must have zoned out for a second because it was obvious that he was waiting for a reply from me.
“I’m sorry Josh when you said that it kind of freaked me. I am still waiting to see if I have to testify against my mom and dad.
I’m sorry that you have to do that, I know how hard it must be for you.”
“That’s not the worst of it. More of what happened is coming back to me. I…”
He could not continue as he started to cry.
I felt so helpless I mean what can you say in a situation like that. There was nothing I could say that would make it better or make it go away. He had been struggling all along to deal with what had been done to him. I knew more than most how evil people could be. Josh was such a brave kid and I marveled that he had been able to keep functioning at all.
“Matt I have an appointment with Dr. Woodlief this afternoon, could you come with me? You would have to miss your last class. But it would only take about an hour, so you would not miss your tennis practice, there are some things that I need to talk to you about.”
“I will have to talk to my uncle about it.”
The guidance counselor handed me the phone and said, “After you talk to him could you please let him know I would like to have a minute with him as well.”
“Ok”
I called the business number and after a couple of rings my Uncle answered and I told him what Josh had asked. As usual he left it up to me and I told him I would do it. Then I handed the phone to Mrs. Sanders and they talked for a couple of minutes. When she finished she said, “Its all been arraigned, Josh your mother will pick both of you up at 2:00 PM.”
She wrote out a pass for both of us and then said. “Just show these to the secretary and she will sign you both out.”
I had a lot of questions but I figured that they could wait till we got to Dr. Woodlief’s. Josh still looked tense but he said, “Thanks for going with me Matt I really appreciate it a lot. There are some things that are going on that you need to be aware of and the best way to go over them is with Dr. Woodlief.”
“I understand Josh I did the same thing with some of the stuff I went through.”
He gave me a grateful smile, and a hug then said; “I’ll see you at the front desk at 2:00 PM.”
“Ok”
The rest of the day went by
very slowly. I could not help wondering what it was he wanted to talk about and
how it affected me.
That made the day just crawl by.
Naturally the guys had a lot of questions at lunch but I did not have any answers. What little I did know was told me in confidence so I could not tell them. All I could do was say that Josh needed someone to talk to and had asked me to spend some time with him this afternoon.
I could tell that Timmy was worried so I told him that I was going to a session with Dr. Woodlief with Josh. He nodded and said, “I am going to miss you.”
“Me to. But it won’t be for long I will be back in time for tennis practice.”
He smiled and said, “Ok but just be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Don’t worry Dr. Woodlief will be there, and he knows both of our histories. He won’t let that happen.”
He did not look totally convinced but he let it drop.
When it was finally time to go I put my books in my locker and headed to the office. When I got there, Josh and his mom were already there. We signed out and headed to Dr. Woodliefs.
When we got there we had to wait for about 10 minutes till he finished up with his 1:00 PM appointment.
While we were waiting I picked up a magazine, as it was obvious that Josh was lost in his thoughts. You could see that everything that had happened had taken a heavy toll on Josh’s mother as well as him. She looked exhausted and I could tell she had lost weight. It made me sad to think of all the people that the preacher and Mitch’s actions had hurt, and it was far from over.
I shivered and I recalled what Timmy had said to me earlier about not getting overwhelmed. I had been confident when we were talking about it at school. But waiting in Dr. Woodlief’s office I was not as sure.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that I did not hear Dr. Woodlief come in. It was only when he came over and said, “Matt, are you Ok.”
“Yeah I will be ok.”
He looked concerned and he said, “Let’s go in my office. I have some things to cover with both you and Josh. Then Josh wants you to sit in while we cover some things. Is that ok with you Matt.”
I nodded.
When we were seated he said, “Josh, Matt I just want to cover a few things first. Then if you have any questions I will try and answer them. Is that ok”
I nodded and so did Josh.
“As you both know what happened to Josh and to your family Matt was linked. The man everyone called “Preacher” is related to Mitch and actively encouraged what happened to Josh.”
I felt sick when I heard that.
That was nothing to how I felt when he said, “In fact, he recorded some of it.
Josh did not want you to find this out from some rumor. That’s why he asked me to tell you about it. I would not have agreed to do so except for the fact that the preacher also tried to kill your uncle. That means that a lot of this will come out in both trials.”
Dr. Woodlief tuned and said, “Josh has some information he wants to go over with you.
Josh did not look up as he said, “They talked to me last night and told me that I would have to testify, and that Mitch’s lawyers would try and make me out to be the cause of it all.
They wanted me to be prepared that’s why they called. According to them it could get very nasty before it’s over. Mitch could get life in prison for raping a minor. So his lawyer will pull out all the stops.”
I did not know what to say. What he had told me just left me cold inside. After all that he had been through now it looked like he would be on trial as much as Mitch and his thugs. How the hell could the system be this fucked up?
“Matt that’s not all. The DA told me that he is going to have to call your Uncle in as well because of the connection with the Preacher.
That son of a bitch knew what they were doing and encouraged it! Seems that he liked that kind of thing. I hope he rots in hell!”
Josh was shaking he was so mad and upset. It was obvious now why he was so upset. Not only was he going to have to testify, but also everyone was going to know what happened to him. It would all come out during the trial. Of course there would be a gag order but all you had to do was look on the news to see how effective they were. The rumor and the leaks would be devastating to Josh.
I felt horrible for him but I did not know how I could help. It was not at all clear to me why I was meeting with both of them. Now I understood why Josh wanted me to know ahead of time. He was not sure how he would handle knowing what had happened to him. He was trying to have some kind of control on how people he knew found out. I was grateful that he trusted me enough to tell me.
Dr. Woodlief said, “Matt, with your permission I would like to talk to your uncle about all of this. This is not going to be easy on any of you.”
“You can talk to him about it. My days of hiding stuff from him are over.”
He smiled and said, “Thanks for the trust Matt.”
He did not say anymore as Josh and his mom were in the room. But I knew what he meant. When I had come clean with them, I had promised that there would not be any more secrets. When it came to how I was really doing, this was the first major test of that promise, and he was happy that I had kept my word.
© Joseph Men 2005