Chapter 32
May 1
As it got closer to 1:00 PM I began to get really nervous. My imagination was working overtime. Would it be some kind of joke? Was it some sicko?
What if they really needed help? Why did it have to be me? I know it sounds a lot like I was whining and perhaps I was. We had been though so much already and things were just beginning to settle down. I really did not want to get into any more emotionally draining situations.
But then I stopped myself. What if my uncle had said the same thing? Where would I be right now? Probably dead or on the streets wishing I was dead.
Timmy knew I was nervous and said, “Matt just relax we will be there.”
“I know it’s just that I don’t know how much crap I can take. I’m feeling really overwhelmed already.”
“You should have said something.”
“I know but… I feel like this guy needs my help. I can’t just walk away from that. What would I have done if my uncle had just said its too much trouble? Where would I be?”
“That’s not the point Matt. You don’t do anyone any good if you don’t take care of yourself.”
I sighed, “Yeah I know.”
“Timmy don’t worry I am just bitching. I’m not stressed enough to do anything bad. I promise.”
He gave me a hug and I kissed him on the cheek.
It felt so nice to be sitting on the couch.
I sighed again as I looked at the clock and realized it was almost time.
We got off the sofa and headed into the kitchen. I grabbed both of us a coke from the fridge and we headed downstairs.
When we got downstairs we went over to the check out counter to talk with Zack and my uncle.
My Uncle said, “Matt we are going to keep an eye out. Zack and Timmy will be over here by the autobiography section. That will let him have a clear view of what’s going on but still give you some privacy.”
“I nodded and we all headed to our positions. We had decided that I would sit in the reading section. There were several tables and a couple of sofa’s and recliners there.
I picked one of the tables. That would allow me to talk with him and still maintain some space. I was just beginning to think he was not going to show up when someone I thought I recognized from school came through the door. I could not put a name with the face but I was sure he went to my school. He looked to be 16 or 17 that would make him a junior or senior. That would explain why I did not know him. Freshman and sophomores did not mix very much with the junior and seniors.
He looked around and then as his eyes adjusted he saw me sitting in the back. He gave me a nervous smile then walked over to me. He held out his hand and said, “Matt my names Robert and thanks for meeting with me.”
When we shook hands I could tell he was really nervous, as his palms were sweaty. I motioned for him to set down and he did so.
There was an awkward silence as I waited for him to speak. Just when I was beginning to think he would not do so he said, “Matt I know you don’t know me very well but I really need your help. My family is really religious and all I have ever heard from them is how gays are going to hell. The congregation that we belong to is on the record calling for families to cast out their kids if they are gay. I don’t doubt for a minute that they will do it. I don’t know where I will go. All my grandparents are dead and the rest of the family is in the same church.
Now I will have to leave home, quit school, and get a job so I can afford to live.”
“What do you mean?”
“My mom confronted me when I got home from school on Monday.”
“She said, “I love you son. But I love God more. He says that you don’t suffer the sinner in your house. I think it would be best if you left. Because you are my son I won’t say anything to your father yet. You have two weeks to find somewhere else to live. But you know you don’t want to be here when he finds out. I am not going to let some choice of yours influence your brothers. Till you leave I don’t want you near them. If I catch you near them I will tell your father right away and all bets are off.”
He was fighting back tears as he told me.
I did not know what to say to him. I mean there was nothing I could say that would ease the hurt he was feeling. Only time would do that. But I could help him with some information from the support group and from online sources I knew were good.
I knew that he was going to need more help than I could give him alone so I said, “Robert I will do all I can to help. But I am going to need to bring in some other people if we are going to be able to help you.”
“NO!”
He yelled it so loud that everyone in the store looked over at us. Timmy looked like he was going to head right over but I shook my head and he hesitated but I could tell that he was not happy.
“Robert if I am going to help you I need to bring in some other people. Don’t worry I wont tell anyone about you that will out you or turn on you. But I need to speak to my uncle.”
He started to speak again and I cut him off. My uncle is gay as well and was kicked out of his house and lived on the streets. The other two people are my boyfriend and Zack. Don’t worry I vouch for all of them.”
He looked sad as he said, “I don’t guess I have much choice do I?”
“Robert for what its worth I know how you feel. When I was outed my father beat me up and threatened to kill me. Then they kicked me out with just my clothes I had on not even a coat and it was in the middle of winter. So I do know what you are going through. I am going to do everything in my power to help you find a way to get through this.”
He nodded and I motioned Timmy and Zack over to our table. When we were all seated I looked up at Robert to get his permission and he sighed and said, “Yeah its ok.”
I looked at Zack and Timmy and said, “This is Robert and he is going to need a place to live shortly. His mother has found out he is gay and his family belongs to a really conservative church. They tell the parents of gay kids to kick them out. His mother has already ordered him out of the house. She did give him 2 weeks however to find a place to stay.”
Suddenly I realized that I did not know how old he was and that was an important factor so I asked, “How old are you?”
“I just turned 17 last month.”
Zack broke in and said, “I have a list of resources for gay kids who are kicked out on the street. I will get them for you Robert. But right now I think it would be better if Joseph were over here instead of me. I think he can help more with the immediate situation.”
With that he got up and walked over to the counter. They talked for a minute then my uncle came over and said, “I’m Joseph Brooks, and I am Matt’s uncle. From what Zack has told me you have 3 different problems that need to be addressed. First and foremost we need to help you find a safe place to live. Second we need to find you a job with flexible hours and that will allow you to achieve your other goal. That is to stay in school so you can graduate.”
“Robert, Zack tells me that you are 17 is that correct?”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“Why is that good?”
“Because you can legally work. That’s why.”
“Robert I am going to check and see what we can do to help you. It is going to take me a couple of days to set things up. How much time do you have before you have to be out.”
“Mom said I had two weeks. That was from last Monday.”
“So you have a week left. Well hopefully she will give you the whole week. But if she does not I want you to call me right away. Here is my card. I don’t care what time of the day or night it is. Is that clear.”
“Yes sir.”
My uncle stood and said, “I have to go make some phone calls. Don’t forget to check with Zack before you leave he has some pamphlets for you. Perhaps it would be better to read them here. Then you can leave them here if you want. That way it will not stir up any more trouble at your house.”
“Thanks Mr. Brooks.”
“Your welcome Robert.”
With that my uncle went to his office.
After my uncle left the table Robert and I talked some more. It was like I was looking back in time to when I was kicked out. I recognized the same look on his face. You want desperately to believe that it is just a dream but it isn’t. The shock and pain I could see on his face was all too familiar.
But you could see that my uncle’s approach with him had worked. He seemed a little less lost.
Robert looked at me I could see that he really wanted to believe that we could work something out but he was scared to let himself have too much hope.
He hesitated then said, “Will your uncle really try to help me?”
For a second I was mad at him for doubting my uncle, then I realized I had felt the exact same way.
So I simply said, “Yeah he will.”
“Why?”
“Because he knows what it is like to be in your position and he is not the type of person to just sit by, and watch it happen when he can do something about it.
When my mom and dad kicked me out he got a phone call out of the blue and even though it turned his life upside down he took me in.
I don’t know what he has in mind Robert but I can tell you that he will do what he can to help.”
Just then my uncle came back out of his office and said, “Matt I am going over Sally’s for a while.
Matt why don’t you, and Timmy take Robert upstairs, so you all can talk in a more private setting. If he wants to hang out till he has to go home that is fine with me.”
I looked over at Robert and he said, “I don’t want to interfere with your time.”
I had the same reaction for a second and that made me feel guilty so I said, “It’s not a problem your welcome to stay.”
“If your sure?”
I could tell it would not take much encouragement to get him to come upstairs. It was painfully obvious that he did not or could not go home right now. I would be willing to bet that his mother had ordered him to stay out of the house except at bedtime.
“Of course we are.”
On the way we stopped on the second floor so he could see the meeting place for the support group. He was really excited when he learned that we met here.
The actual location was not given out to anyone till they could be vouched for or one of the counselors had talked to them. That was to protect the kids from idiots like Fred Phelps that would like nothing better than to try to intimidate the kids when they showed up for meetings. A lot of them were not fully out and being outted could put some of them in actual physical danger.
Everyone had pitched in and we had the place looking really nice. It was painted and furnished now. My uncle had donated some old book shelving and there was a library section where the youth could check out LGBT books. We have reference books as well as fiction. My uncle had purchased some of the books, and donated them to the group, individuals, and organizations donated the rest.
The library had turned out to be a really nice resource. It was sad that gay kids could not get the type of information that might save their lives from schools. All because most school boards, were either homophobic themselves or intimidated by those who were. In some school systems they banned books that even had gay characters in them. I mean how stupid is that.
They try to pretend that we don’t exist, because we are inconvenient to them. In their eyes it is easy to hate a gay adult. But it is a harder sell to hate the gay kid. So they just pretend that we don’t exist. If they were forced to see us as individuals then we are harder to hate.
I guess I had sort of zoned out. Because I heard Timmy say, “Earth to Matt, Earth to Matt.”
“What?”
“I asked if you wanted me to go upstairs and grab some chips or something.”
I turned to Robert and said, “Would you like something to snack on?”
He hesitated and
said, “Yeah I have not eaten today.”
When he said that I felt really bad. I don’t know why I had not thought of it. I gave Timmy a grateful look and said, “I tell you what I’m kind of hungry myself. I will grab some cokes for now, and order us some hamburgers from Sally’s.”
For a second I thought that Robert was going to refuse but hunger won out. He nodded and in a low voice said, “Thanks you guys.”
I knew he was embarrassed because he would did not look up as he spoke. I was torn between leaving it alone so he would not be even more embarrassed, and trying to get him to understand that it was not his fault. It was so easy to believe all the crap that they use to justify their actions. I could see that Robert was blaming himself for what they were doing. It took all I had to keep my mouth shut. Because I wanted to just get a hold of his mother and scream at her. But that would not help anything. Outwardly I was calm but I knew I was not fooling Timmy at all. The worried glance he was giving told me all that I needed to know.
I turned to Timmy and said, “ I will be back in a minute. Timmy and always ordered our burgers the same way so I knew what he wanted.
I turned to Robert and said, “What do you want on your burger?”
“Tomato, Catsup, Onion, Mayo. If that’s ok?”
I nodded and said, “Alright. I will be back down as soon as I put the order in and grab the drinks.”
Robert looked at me and said, “Can we eat down here? I would really like to take a look at some of these pamphlets.”
“Yeah that’s cool.”
Timmy got up as I started towards the door and gave me a hug. While he was holding me he whispered, “Are you ok.”
“Yeah I was caught up in some memories there for a minute, but I am fine now.”
He whispered,
“Love you.”
“I love you to Timmy.”
He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek as he let me go. I looked up and Robert was watching us. When he realized that I had seen him he blushed and tried to apologize.
I cut him off and said, “Its cool Robert don’t be embarrassed if you see us hug or kiss.”
He was looking down as he said, “ It’s just that I have never seen two guys do that before.”
He stammered, “I mean… well it just took me by surprise. I know in my head that you are boyfriends. It’s just that when I saw you two I felt weird. Like I was interrupting something that was private.”
He looked frustrated that he could not find the right words.
I smiled and said, “I know Robert. We understand.”
He looked down at the pamphlets and Timmy went back to sit with him.
I headed upstairs lost in thought. If he had not eaten today I wondered if things were not worse at home than he was admitting.
I called in the order to Sally’s; she said they would be ready in about 30 minutes.
I grabbed the cokes and a notebook for Robert to use and headed back downstairs.
When I got back to the library they were deep in conversation. I was glad that Timmy was going to be there for him as well. If he had more than one person to turn to it would add to his sense of security and make it easier on all of us.
When they noticed me I handed Robert the notebook and gave them both their cokes.
I asked, “Did you find anything helpful yet?”
Robert took a sip of his coke and said, “Yeah there is some good information here. It lists some resources that might be helpful.”
When it was time I picked up our food. I tell you what you have not lived till you have had one of Sally’s hamburgers. It is a ½ pound of Angus beef and it is not some prefab patty either. It is made from fresh hamburger on the spot. I had ordered a large basket of fries as well so I had my hands full with the food. When I got back to the library we dug in to the food.
Not much was said till we were finished. After I had taken the trash out. We went upstairs and got online. We got him a screen name and let him chat at some of the sites we liked to go to. He liked the fact that he could talk online and no one would know who he was. That allowed him to feel safe enough to loosen up and have some fun with other gay kids. At 8:30 PM he headed left to catch the bus home. Before he left he turned to Timmy and I and gave us hugs. I hugged him back whispering said, “Robert hang in there. That even though it felt like the world was ending right now it would get better.”
He held the hug for a long time before he pulled back. When he did there were tears in his eyes. He used the sleeve of his coat to wipe them away.
He looked back and said, “Thanks. You don’t know how much this has meant to me.”
As he walked though the door I said, “Your welcome.”
Turning to Timmy I said, “Would you hold me for a while? It just sucks that families do this to their kids.”
He hugged me and softly said, “I know babe. Together we walked back upstairs. When I was in his arms I felt safe again.
Here are some links that might help if you find yourself in this situation.
This is a site designed by gay youth for gay youth. The Mail Crew
This is a resource for Runaways or those kicked out: National Runaway Switchboard
© Joseph Men 2005