Chapter 10

Saturday was my lazy day I could sleep in till 9:00 AM because Zack opened for me on the weekends. When the alarm went off I went down and fixed coffee, eggs and toast for me. I knew that Matt would grab some cereal when he got up. After my second cup of coffee I went and checked my email and finding nothing of interest I hit the shower. By ten we were well into cleaning up. Matt and I had set items to take care of and we alternated the laundry and dishes. Today was laundry day so I went to the bathroom hamper and gathered it all up. That’s when I found out what was going on with Matt. As I was sorting the laundry I found a pair of Matt’s underwear and there was blood on them. My first reaction was panic what if he was hurt or had been hurt by someone else. I forced myself to calm down and think things through. What could it mean and how should I handle it. If someone had hurt him I needed to know. But one thing was clear I needed to stay calm as I talked to him or he would shut down and not talk to me. My hands were shaking as I turned and walked back to the kitchen. I poured a cup of coffee and gathered my thoughts.

I deliberately waited to finish the cup before I called “Matt could you come here please.”

The kitchen was where all of our serious talks had occurred and I wanted to keep things as calm as possible.

Matt came in from the den where he had been straightening up. I looked carefully at him as he walked in. There was no sign of his having been in a fight.

“Yes Uncle”

“Matt could sit down for a moment please.”

He sat down looking a little apprehensive.

“Matt I need to talk to you about something and I need you to be completely honest with me. No matter what you tell me I promise I wont get mad at you. But I have to have some answers here.”

I looked him right in the eye and said. “Matt what happened that caused you to get blood on you underwear?”

Matt got real pale and agitated looked like he was going to bolt.

“Matt hon I am not going to get mad I just need to know. Please be honest with me! You know you can trust me.”

He still had not said a word but tears were tracing down his face. He just cried without saying anything. I could not read him and that scared me. I had a pretty good idea by now what was going on. What I did not know yet was how severe was the cutting and how long had it been going on. I silently cursed myself for not catching on sooner. After all I had dealt with cutters on more than one occasion when I had done crisis intervention. I had seen where this could lead. I guess that I had thought that he was safe because he was seeing the therapist that things were better. It was obvious now that Matt had not allowed either Dr. Woodlief or myself all the way into his trust.

I waited for a moment to allow him to compose himself and said. “Matt?”

He finally looked back up at me his tear stained face a testament to the pain he was feeling.

“Matt hon I know you are hurting right now and I know you are probably embarrassed and scared. But you don’t have to worry about telling me. I think I know what is going on. We will face this together. Ok? How long has it been going on?”

He sighed “About 6 months. But this was the first time I did it so deep. I did not mean to. It was a accident you have to believe me Uncle!”

“How often have you cut yourself?”

“Sometimes twice a week sometimes once. I have done it a lot less since I moved in with you Uncle honest. It’s just with ratting on mom and dad and having to testify against them. I could not help it. I tried to stop I really did! But sometimes its like don’t have control of it. After I feel better somehow, like some of the pain leaks out with the blood. God that sounds sick but its true.”

He was crying again but this time they were sobs. It was heart wrenching to watch Matt come apart right in front of me. I was finally knew what he had been hiding so desperately since he came here. I pulled him towards me and he crawled up in my lap like a young child. We just sat there with me rocking back and forth holding him.

“Matt we will get through this hon. I will call Dr. Woodlief and you need to level with him. He can’t help unless you let him know all the facts. Ok?”

In a voice barely above a whisper he said, “Uncle I’m scared. Sometimes lately I have been thinking about doing worse than cutting myself. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I was not here anymore.”

It was like someone had punched me in the stomach when he said that. “Matt what do you mean hon?”

“Everywhere I go I cause trouble. Look at mom and dad. And with you all I have done is cost you money and upset you. I would not blame you if you just kicked me out to. Sometimes I think they are right and I would be better off dead.”

“Matt hon look at me please. You are not a burden or trouble to me. You have brought more joy and happiness into my life than I have ever had! I am sorry for what you had to go through to get here but I will never be sorry you are here. Matt you are a wonderful young man and please don’t ever believe all that bullshit they told you. They are the ones who did not live up to their responsibilities. They were at fault not you. They tried to blame their own problems on you. Do you understand what I am trying to say Matt? Its their fault not yours.

He just nodded without saying anything.

“Matt hon how often have you had thoughts about suicide.”

His cheeks were wet with tears as he looked up to me and then back down again. In a kind of detached voice he said “Almost every day for the last 2 weeks.”

My own tears were falling now as I realized how much damage had been done to him. I don’t think I have every felt any more helpless than I did right now. I knew that I was probably going to have to make a very difficult decision today and I was dreading it. I did not see any way that Dr. Woodlief would not have him go into the hospital till he could safely be stabilized. I had worked with far to many youth in similar situations in crisis intervention not know the most likely outcome.

I was out of words right now. They had failed me and all I could do was hold him and let him know I was there for him. We stayed that way for over a half an hour with me just rocking him gently in my lap. My shirt was wet with his tears as he cried out his pain. 

He crying gradually stopped and he suddenly hugged me tight. I returned the hug and he climbed out of my lap and sat back in his chair. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Matt hon lets forget the rest of the chores for right now. Why don’t you go find a movie and we will watch it.

I think we both could use a break. I will be right there I just want to call Dr. Woodlief and let him know we need to see him.

Matt picked out a movie and then went to play on the computer till I was ready. I just sat there staring at the wall. What should I do? I mean beyond the obvious. He needed help and that help would probably involve an impatient stay. When you coupled the cutting with thoughts of suicide I could not afford to take the chance that he would not follow through. I decided to wait till we spoke to Dr. Woodlief before bringing up any possible outcomes.

I called his office and left a message that it was urgent that I speak to him. His receptionist told me she would have him call as soon as he was out of session.

While I was waiting for the return phone call from Dr. Woodlief I called down to Zack. I told him that I had an emergency and I asked him if he could please fill in for the day. He agreed and I hung up so the line would be clear when the Dr. called.

I waited for what seemed like hours, but was only about 10 minutes till he called. I filled him in on what I had found. Like me he was very concerned that Matt has not divulged the problem before now. We both thought that Matt had developed the level of trust with him to do so. This meant that we could not be sure where we stood with him about the cutting or possible suicidal tendencies that he had told me about. He agreed to fit him in that afternoon. After thanking him I went back Matt in the computer room where he was talking with some of his friends online. I told him that we had a meeting with Dr. Woodlief in about 3 hours and we needed to watch the movie if he still wanted to.

He just shrugged and said, “Ok.”

“Matt hon we will get through this. I promise I will be there for you. He turned his back to me and I could tell he was crying by the way his thin shoulders were shaking. I wanted to somehow shield him from all the pain he was suffering. But I could not do that. I could be there for him but I could not take that pain away from him. He was going to have to find the strength to break the patterns that were so destructive. All I could do was be there for him and provide the love and encouragement that he would need to get healthy again.

He had picked out “Courage Under Fire” with Denzel Washington and Meg Ryan. Before we started the movie I microwaved some popcorn for us to snack on. I brought back a coke and popcorn for each of us. I sat down on the couch. Matt was in the recliner next to the coffee table so I sat the popcorn in reach of both of us. He did not say anything during the movie and I noticed that he did not touch the popcorn either. It was obvious that he was overloaded emotionally. It was one thing to deal with someone you did not know in crisis intervention but when it was someone you cared for it added a whole of extra baggage to the situation. When the movie was over Matt went to get ready and so did I. The drive over to the Dr.’s was completed in silence. Matt just sat there with his head bowed avoiding eye contact with me. Its kind of crazy the kind of things you notice when you are in that situation. I found myself looking at him out of the corner of my eye as I drove. He needed a haircut. I grimaced at the irony of the situation. Here I was in the car with Matt driving to see his Dr. because I was worried that he might seriously hurt himself or kill himself, and all I could come up with was that he needed a haircut. That just showed how far our minds would go to find some safe aspect of a situation to focus on that gives us the illusion of control. I think I drove to Dr. Woodlief’s on autopilot I did not remember a thing about the drive. I parked the car and we went up to the Dr.’s office. I tried to pass the time waiting by reading one of the magazines that were there but it was only a pretence I could not stay focused enough to really read it. Matt did not even attempt to pass the time. He just sat there hunched over in his chair. He was just looking at the floor and everything about his body language said that he was without hope. After the longest 15 minutes of my life Dr. Woodlief came out and asked if he could speak to Matt alone first. I agreed and they walked in together. It struck me how helpless I felt right now. He was hurting and there was nothing I could do to make it go away. It is a terrible feeling to be unable to protect your child from something like this. I just wanted to scream out my frustration. But I could not allow myself to lose control Matt was depending on me staying strong for him.

After about a half an hour Dr. Woodlief came to the waiting room and motioned me to his office. I came into his office and sat down.

Dr. Woodlief said “Matt has been telling me about the cutting and thoughts of suicide. Now we need to figure out what needs to be done to help him with overcome these feelings. I have told him that I think he needs to go into the hospital for 3 or 4 days for evaluation and to get him on some medication to help with his depression. I have explained to him that I could force the issue but that it would be far better for everyone involved if he voluntarily went in.”

Matt just looked down at the floor and listened. Dr. Woodlief was very good at his job and he said all of this in a very matter of fact way. He was treating Matt like an adult and expecting Matt to respond the same way.

Matt looked up at me and said. “Uncle do you want me to go in there. You know he is talking about the nut house don’t you.”

I could see the hurt and fear in his eyes as he asked me. This was what I had been dreading, the moment of truth.

“Matt what I want is for you to be safe and to be happy again. By going into the hospital voluntarily you will be taking a big step in the right direction. It will mean you are beginning to take control of you life and not letting outside things control you. I know what you are going through with being depressed I have struggled with depression off and on for years the medication can help you get your life back.”

Matt’s shoulders slumped and he said, “OK! I will go damn it! But I cant believe you would want me to go in there.”

I could tell he was furious with me and with Dr. Woodlief but I knew this was what he needed. That did not make it any easier for him to face.  

“Matt its not that I want you to be there. It’s that you need to be there right now. They will help you get back some control over things. I know right now you are mad with me and that is fine I understand that. Just know that I love you and only want you to regain some happiness in your life.

Dr. Woodlief went to the phone and made the call to the hospital. He spoke for a few minutes. Then he hung the phone up and then looked up at us. “They are expecting you at the evaluation desk in an hour. They will talk with you Matt and ask you some questions please be honest with them. After you talk with them you will be admitted. Your Uncle will be allowed to go up with you but he cant stay for long. After he leaves the head nurse on staff will talk with you and then latter tonight the Dr. will talk with you and give you a checkup. Then he will consult with me and we will select a medication to help you overcome the depression. You will have group sessions as well as individual ones throughout your stay. Matt I am glad you are being so mature about this. I know you don’t want to go but you are doing it so you can get better.”

As we were leaving Dr. Woodlief handed me a folder with paperwork in it.

I could see that Matt was still very angry but he was not actively fighting it. We got up and Matt followed me back down the stairs and out to the car. He did not say a word as we drove back to the house. When we got back to the house he went to his room to pack some clothes and get his toiletries. When he was packed we got back into the car and drove to the hospital. I found a parking spot not to far from the door. After I had turned off the car I turned to Matt and said, “I know you are scared and angry right now but I truly believe that this is what is best for you. Right now I know you don’t agree but later you will understand.”

The closer we got to the door the more apprehensive he became. When he reached the door I thought for a moment he was going to make a run for it. But he just stood there shaking. I could see that he was fighting back the tears. I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Matt its going to get better I promise. I have been there myself so I have at least some idea how you are feeling right now.”

Putting my arm around his shoulder I pulled open the door and we went inside. At the security desk I told him who we were and what we were there for. They directed us to an office on the side corridor. I knocked and they buzzed us through.  To our left was a lady setting at a desk. Her nametag said she was a LCSW and her name was Stacey. 

I handed her the folder that Dr. Woodlief had give me and she took a minute to read through it.

Then she looked up and said, “Matt I am Stacey and my job here is to make sure that you get the help you need.”

She looked at the information again and said, “Mr. Brooks it says here that you are his legal guardian. Is this correct?”

“Yes it is. He is living with me now because of serious problems at his parent’s house.”

“Mr. Brooks could you wait here will Matt and I go into my office for a few minutes to talk?”

“Sure.”

She said “Come on Matt lets go talk for a few minutes.”

He followed her with saying anything. They went into her office and shut the door. I could see that they were talking but I could not hear what they were saying. I picked up a magazine and tried to read. But I was too tense to focus. They were in there for about 20 minutes talking. When they came out Matt looked so worn out it scared me. He had dark circles under his eyes and you could tell that he was near the end of his ability to cope. When they were seated again she ask me some questions about schooling. She told us that he would have time for schoolwork so he would not fall too far behind the rest of his class while he was in the hospital. We both had paperwork to fill out. Mine had to do with insurance being the responsible party for his bill. His had to do with voluntarily admitting himself. When we finished up the paperwork she took it and left the room for a few minutes. When she came back she had a wristband for Matt. After she had put it on him she told us what was going to happen next. I appreciated that she was preparing Matt for each step so he would not be as scared.

She made a phone call and a male nurse came in and introduced himself “My name is David and I am going to take you both on a quick tour of the floor where you will be staying Matt. After that is finished we will talk for a few minutes and then it will be time for your Uncle to leave. He can come back later tonight during visiting hours.”

He gave us a tour of the floor and then we sat down a room off to the side. He explained visiting hours and whom he could have come visit. I would be the only one allowed on the floor. That was to protect the privacy of the rest of the youth there. If they were to allow friends to come and visit on the floor someone might recognize another kid and say something about them being in there. So only parents were allowed on the floor. After the first day Matt would be allowed to go off the floor with me if he participated in the group meetings and with his therapist. Then he could have friends meet with us downstairs in the McDonalds. He would be allowed to go anywhere on the hospital grounds.

David asked, “Do you have any questions Matt? OK how about you Mr. Brooks? Well then Matt it is time to say goodbye to your uncle. I will give you couple of minutes to say goodbye. Then I will get you set up in a room.”

We said our goodbyes and he gave me a hug. I told him that I loved him and would be back tonight to see him. I could tell he did not want me to go and it took everything I had to turn and leave him there. 

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 © Joseph Men 2004