Chapter 15
Feb 12
Damn I am so tired. All last night I tossed and turned. I kept waking up thinking I was still in the hospital. The dream was so real that it would take me a minute to get my bearings and realize I was at home and it happened over and over. When my alarm clock finally went off I stumbled off to the shower. My Uncle was already up and in the kitchen. Sometimes I worry about him. He never gets enough sleep and is on the go all the time. But I never hear him complain about it. Again today he had breakfast ready for me. Sometimes I take him for granted, he did not have to take me in. Not to mention all the other things he has done for me. I don’t understand how he could turn out so different from his dad or my mom. He told me how proud he was of me and how brave I was for facing my problems and getting help. I sure don’t feel very brave. In fact I am scared of so many things. I am scared that I won’t be able to control my desire to cut myself. That I will turn out like my mom and dad. I am scared that I will let my Uncle down after all that he has done for me. Everywhere I turn there are fears to face. Uncle told me that having fears is normal. That it is part of life that we learn to face our fears and that most of them will go away. There are days when I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. But I know that does not work from my own experience and from others I met at the hospital. Sooner or later you have to face your fears or they eat you alive.
Feb 14
The medication has been a big help for me. I am doing much better but I am still having trouble sleeping and they don’t want to give me anything for it yet. They are still working to find the best dose for me on the anti depressant. I tend to go up too high during the day and too low later in the evening. They are thinking of changing me to twice a day with smaller doses. I sure hope they figure it out soon; I am about to drop from lack of sleep. Uncle has scheduled me to see Dr. Woodlief to talk to him about it tomorrow afternoon. He has really pushed me to tell him how tired I am. I guess I had better do it.
Feb 16
Wow I feel a lot better today. Dr. Woodlief gave me something to help me sleep. I took it last night and went to bed the next thing I knew it was time to go to school. I sure am glad Uncle talked me into talking to Dr. Woodlief about it. I was convinced that it would not do any good to tell him. I guess I was wrong again.
I am sure looking forward to talking with Timmy today at school. I hope he is still coming over my house before the meeting on Friday. Only 3 more days till he comes over, God I sound so lame.
Feb 17
Ok change of plans. I am going over Timmy’s after school on Thursday. His dad has invited me over. It almost sounds like a dad inviting a boy over to inspect him before he let’s his daughter go out with him. I don’t know if Timmy would think that is as funny as I do. It’s probably not a good idea for me to tell him. He is still coming over after school on Friday and staying for the youth meeting. Uncle laughed when I told him about Timmy’s dad inviting me over for dinner before he came over here. He called over to Timmy’s house and talked to his dad before he said it was ok to go.
I wish I had some classes with Timmy but I don’t. I take advanced courses and Timmy does not. The only time we are together is at lunch. After I asked him to come over my house he introduced me to all of his friends. Several of the guys from the youth support group eat lunch at our table. After all the crap with Mitch it was good to know that there other gay kids here. There was one guy named David who I would have never thought was gay. He acts so straight most of the time but he has a boyfriend and they sit together at lunch. They make no secret of the fact that they are a couple and nobody says a thing to them. Jim is from Georgia and has a wicked southern accent. But I have noticed that his accent varies with the situation. He is friendly enough but all you have to do is look into his eyes and know that he is not someone you would want to mess with. Even the big bad jocks leave him alone. Timmy told me that they are scared of him! Before I came to live with my Uncle he was he was eating at the diner with his boyfriend when someone called him a fag and threatened him. Timmy said he took him down in about 10 seconds. The idiot that did it was an “adult” construction worker. Timmy said that all the other construction workers with him just laughed their Asses off about it. I don’t think he will be threatening to beat up any fags for a while. Especially since he got his ass beat by a 15 year old gay boy.
Feb 18
Timmy is a great guy. But it sure surprised me to find out that his father is a Cop! That kind of freaked me out till I got to know him. We rode the bus to his house after school. It was only 4 stops from the bus stop so it did not take us long to get there at all. His house was a small rancher. It had a chain link fence and had a “Beware of the dog” sign. I soon found out why as we approached the gate a black lab came running up. His tail was wagging and he was jumping up and down. It was obvious that he was happy to see Timmy. Timmy laughed and opened the gate.
He said, “Come on calm down Rocky”. He knelt down and the dog licked his face. Timmy rubbed his ears and Rocky rolled over and Timmy rubbed his belly. I had to laugh as Rocky looked like he had died and gone to heaven. Timmy looked up at me and said “You can pet him he wont bite you. He knows you are with me. But if you ever show up here without me be careful. He is kind of protective. I slowly reached out and let Rocky smell my hand. He gave me a sniff and then licked my hand.
“See I told you he was friendly.”
“Yeah he is a good dog.”
Looking down at the ground Timmy said “When mom left us Dad got him so I would have someone here with me when he was working. Being a cop he was worried about someone coming after me to get even with him. Of course he did not tell that to me. He just brought him home and said that he thought I needed a friend.”
My mouth just would not quit and I asked, “How long ago did she leave?”
There was a quiver in his voice when he said “almost 2 years ago. She left us for some guy. There was a note on the table when dad and I got home from the park. It just said she was unhappy and had found someone who made her laugh again. For a long time I blamed myself for her going. But dad took me to see a therapist. He helped me to see that it was not my fault. Sometimes I still feel guilty. Dad has been great. He has been there for me even when I told him I was gay. He just went and joined PFLAG a read all the stuff that they had to read. He has joined the support group as well but he can’t come to most of the meetings because of work. Most dads would have freaked especially when their kid comes to them when he is only 13. I know he worries about me because he sees all the horrible things that people do to each other.”
You are lucky to have him Timmy.
“I know.”
“How about you Matt. How come you are living with your Uncle?”
Now it was my turn to tear up. “My dad beat me up and kicked me out. He told me he would kill me if I showed up again. So I came to live with my Uncle. Mom and Dad have not even called to see how I am doing. It’s like they just forgot that I existed. I have not forgotten them.”
It was my turn to be looking down. I could feel my tears running down my cheeks. They were leaving cold tracks down my face. I jumped when I felt Timmy’s hand on my shoulder.
“I am sorry Matt. I should not have asked you.”
“Its just not easy to talk about it”
“I’m sorry Matt.”
I nodded and reached down and rubbed Rocky on his belly. He had the silliest expression on his face. His tongue was hanging out and his eyes were half closed. If he were a cat he would have been purring right then. It calmed me down to just be there with Timmy petting Rocky. You could not stay sad with Rocky lying there with loving all the attention he was getting. I could not help it I started to giggle looking at him. I don’t know if it was really as funny as I thought or the medication was making me silly again. But it felt good to just be able to laugh.
Timmy looked at me for a minute then smiled and said. “Its good to hear you laugh Matt.”
I blushed. Other than my uncle I was not used to someone caring about how I felt. Then my feelings got all mixed up inside again and I felt a little scared. What if I messed up with Timmy? What if he did not like me when he got to know me better?
It really sucked to be so worried about things all the time.
Right then I decided to just go with the flow. I was having fun with him right now so why worry about down the road. Dr. Woodlief had told me to stop worrying about everything all the time. When I looked up again Timmy was staring at me I blushed and he just grinned at me.
I was a little uncomfortable so I changed the subject.
I smiled and said “You didn’t tell my your dad was a cop.”
When I looked up “He laughed and said “Yeah my dads a detective.”
“Wow”
“Your not going to freak on me are you?”
“Nah its just you never said anything about what he did before.”
“He can’t talk about his work much because it involves active cases.”
It was almost dark and the temperature had dropped and I was shivering.
When Timmy noticed he said “Lets go inside Matt I want you to meet my dad.”
“Ok”
We went inside and his dad was making dinner. What ever he was cooking sure
smelled good. His dad was about 6’ and kind of stocky but when you looked closer
you tell that it was all muscle. I decided right then that I would not like to piss him
off. To tell you the truth I was a little scared of him. My dad had beaten me up
and could care less if I was alive or dead. His dad looked like he could break
me in half without even trying. But when he turned stuck out his hand to me I
could see that he was nothing like my dad. He smiled and you could tell that he
was truly glad to meet me.
He said, “So you are the Matt that Timmy has been telling me about.”
“Dad!”
He laughed and said; “Don’t worry Timmy I won’t embarrass you anymore.”
Timmy just shook his head and rolled his eyes.
Then he asked “Dad do you need us to help with anything?”
“Nope you two just go have some fun I will call you when dinner is ready.”
“Ok thanks dad.”
I followed him down the hall to his room. It was a nice house with a comfortable feel to it. It was neat without making you feel scared to touch anything. His room was the last door on the left. It was more organized than mine that was for sure. But he had more stuff than I did. Uncle had been good to me and had replaced all the essentials and some fun things but Timmy’s room had pictures of his dad and all the stuff you get as you grow up. There were posters on the wall, one was Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons. There was a poster from a movie called “Camp” and he had a small rainbow flag on the wall over his bed. As a looked around the room my feelings were kind of mixed up. I liked his room it was like him. What you see is what you get. He did not hide his orientation he was comfortable with himself. I envied that and was a little jealous at the same time. He still had his dad and a lifetime of memories in his room. I mentally slapped myself for being so selfish.
He had a play station in his room so we played a couple of games. It was ok I guess but I kept paying more attention to him than the game and he beat me easily. His dad coming to the door saved me, dinner was ready. We washed up and headed to the kitchen.
His dad had prepared a great dinner. We had mashed potatoes, salad and hamburgers. The hamburgers were over an inch thick and were really moist and tasted great. It was quite around the table as we ate. When we were almost finished his dad asked, “Who wants desert?”
I was stuffed but what ever he had made it sure smelled good. I could tell it had apples in it and that was enough information for me.
“I do Mr. White.”
He grinned and said “It’s apple cobbler and its one of our favorites. I hope you like it.”
“I’m sure I will it smells great”
“Timmy will you get the ice cream out of the freezer.”
“Yes sir.”
It was great and I wanted to try to make it. So I asked “Mr. White could I get the recipe for the cobbler. I would like to make it for my uncle.”
Timmy had a surprised look on his face when I said that I wanted the recipe and his dad said, “So you like to cook Matt.”
“Yes sir. My uncle showed me how to cook and we take turns now.”
I was a little embarrassed at for a moment because I still had so much of that stupid crap in my head from my dad. He would have been horrified that I was learning to cook. That was a women’s job and only a sissy would like to do something so unmanly. But then I thought of Uncle and of Timmy’s dad. They both cooked and they were far better people than my dad or mother.
Timmy looked like he was trying to slide under the table. His dad grinned at me and said “Timmy does not like to cook at all and thinks that it sucks when I make him learn. I am grateful that my mother taught me.”
I thought oh shit! Now Timmy is going to be pissed at me. But he just gave me a lopsided grin and said “Well at least one of us cooks. That will come in handy. You can do the cooking and I will do…”
He stopped in mid sentence and blushed when he realized what he had said.
I was not far behind him when I realized what he had meant. Oh well I guess I was going to be the housewife. Boy would my dad freak over that one hehe.
Timmy’s dad just raised his eyebrows and looked at Timmy for a second. I could tell he was fighting the urge to laugh.
He said, “I will be right back” and left the room.
I could hear him snickering all the way down the hall to the bathroom.
I looked over at Timmy and he was beat red.
He said, “I … mean…well”
“Its ok Timmy I sort of liked the idea.”
“You did!”
“Yep”
Timmy reached over and touched my arm and said, “I am sorry I did not mean to embarrass you like that. I know we just met but I really like you and I guess I got carried away.”
“Hey its ok Timmy I would like for us to date.”
“You would?”
“Yeah”
He got a big grin on his face and said, “Yes!”
Just then his dad came back in the room and said, “What did I miss?”
“Matt said he would like to go on a date with me.”
“Oh really.”
“Yeah. Dad could you take us to the movie theater next weekend?”
Then he looked over at me and said “Oh shit. I mean Matt would you like to go to the movies?”
His dad smiled and said “Yeah it is generally a good idea to ask the person you want to take out first.”
“I’m sorry Matt. Would you go to the movies with me on Sat.?”
“Sure I would love to I just have to ask my uncle if its ok. But I am sure it will be.”
I noticed that Timmy’s dad had a serious look on his face. He cleared his throat and said, “Timmy, Matt I don’t want either of you to take what I am about to say wrong but I have some serious things to talk to you about. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy Timmy has found someone his age he likes. What I am worried about is that both of you are new to dating. Things that might be perfectly innocent could get you both hurt. Please be careful when you are in public. I don’t mean that you have to hide. But be aware of where you are and what the situation is. Maybe I am being paranoid but I have seen way to many gay kids beaten up or worse. I know it is not fair that we have to have this conversation but then life is rarely fair.”
“Mr. White you don’t have to tell me about peoples reactions. My father beat me up, kicked me out and threatened to kill me if I ever came back. I have not heard from either one of them since they kicked me out.”
His expression softened and he said, “I’m sorry Matt I guess you do understand and I know that Timmy does as well. But I can’t help but be scared for both of you.”
“Its ok Dad I do understand and we will be careful. We will go to an afternoon show and you can take us to the ice cream shop after the show.
His dad just laughed and said “Smooth transition there son. You turned that around on me didn’t you. Ok I guess I can take you if it is ok with Matt’s Uncle.”
Timmy said “Thanks Dad.”
He laughed and said. “Now lets get this mess cleaned up it’s getting late and we have to get Matt home.”
His dad washed the dishes and Timmy and I dried them and put them away. It did not take us long to get everything done.
I found myself getting really down as I watched Timmy and his dad do things together. They really had a tight bond and it showed. What they had was so far removed from my experiences that it really bothered me. I wondered for the thousandth time why my mom and dad had to be the way they were. I tried to shake it off. I know it was silly to be jealous of what they had but I was. When we finished cleaning up they took me home. I unlocked the side door and turned and waved to them as they drove off.
I was smiling as I walked up to our apartment. Uncle was waiting in the kitchen for me. He looked up and saw the smile on my face and said “ I take it you enjoyed you time over Timmy’s.”
“Yes sir I did. He wants me to go out on a date with him. His dad is going to call you and clear it with you. Don’t worry Uncle his dad has already given us the lecture about being careful. He wants to take me to the movies and then his dad is going to take us to the ice cream place.”
My uncle smiled and said, “That sounds fine Matt. I am glad things are working out for you.”
“Yeah me to.”
Well that brings me up to date. That was a lot of writing my hand is cramping. But I can’t help it when I get to thinking about Timmy I want to write it all down. Its time to hit the sack.
© Joseph Men 2004