Timmy was still not himself as we sat on the couch I just held him. My emotions were overflowing and I did not know how to handle them. I was so happy that he had told me that he loved me again and I could not believe that I had cried because I was happy. I guess that I am finally getting over all that bullshit that my dad taught me. Timmy was worried and so was I. It really scared me that he might get hurt and that I might lose him. He did not talk much at all he just lay there with me and after a while I realized that he had fallen asleep in my arms. That made me feel really good. I know that is silly but it showed me that he felt safe in my arms. I just sat there and watched his chest rise and fall. He was wearing a sweater and a pair of jeans that I must say fit him really well. His head was resting against my shoulder and neck. Right then I never wanted to move again. It felt so good to be holding my boyfriend in my arms. Of course that did not last long as my arm began to go to sleep. Heheh. So much for romance as I had to move and that woke him up. He grinned at me sheepishly and apologized for falling asleep. I told him it was ok as I enjoyed holding him. He did not say anything but I could tell that he really liked that I felt that way.
March 17
I am really having a hard time controlling my feelings for Timmy. My little head wants to do the thinking on this and I am afraid. I know what I want or think I want. But it is kind of scary when it could actually happen. There is one thing I know I don’t want to hurt Timmy or pressure him in any way. I can’t help wondering if Timmy feels the same way or not. I would ask him but I have not figured out how to do it. Its not like you can just say oh by the way you want to go to my room and have sex. Well maybe you could. But what if he say no? What if he says yes!
I am going to ask him tomorrow.
My Uncle came up and sat across from us and told us that Timmy’s dad had to work and could not pick him up from school so he is riding home with us every day! And that tomorrow his dad had to work and did not want him home alone so I get to spend the day with him again! Wow! But he did say that we would have to stay in the living room or kitchen or downstairs. He said we were not to be alone in my bedroom. Errrrr…. It made me mad that he did not trust me. But then I blushed as I realized that had just been thinking of doing exactly what he was worried about. Opps.
After dinner we went to the youth support meeting. Right away we knew we were not going to be in a normal meeting. Dan who is a psychologist was up front and he told us that we would still be breaking up into our normal groups but that all the groups were going to be open topic tonight. Usually my group had structured topics so this was a change for us. He said that we needed to be able to talk about what had happened and what we were feeling about it. He said that what had happened to Josh had an effect on the whole community so they wanted us to have time to talk about how we were feeling. He also said that there would be several people available to talk one on one if we felt like it. The attack on Josh had the whole group on edge. When we got to our room it was real subdued. Nancy was our facilitator for the night and she kept trying to get us to talk about what we were experiencing or feeling. After a while Kelly spoke up and said my parents are really freaked and wont let me go out of the house except to school and to supervised activities. That got the ball rolling and others spoke up. I could see that most were just as unnerved as I was. We talked about ways to protect ourselves and about our parents reactions and our own. It was weird but talking about it with everyone else made me feel a little better. Somehow knowing they were just as uneasy as I was made me feel a little better about my reactions. I know that is weird but it did.
After a while the conversation turned to what we could do to help protect Josh. None of us lived in his neighborhood and we were at a loss as to how we could help him when he was not at school.
We agreed that we would keep an eye on him at school and report any bullying or threats against him directly to the principle.
March 19
Timmy’s dad dropped him off this morning at 7:00 AM so I had to get up early. But I could live with that knowing he was going to spend the whole day with me.
As usual my uncle had breakfast ready. It was nice sharing it with Timmy. We had pancakes and sausage and eggs. After we had stuffed ourselves we cleaned up the kitchen while my uncle went downstairs to get some paperwork done before the store opened. He was downstairs for about 3o minutes. By the time he got back upstairs we had the kitchen cleaned up. By then it was 9:00 and he took us to the local movie rental place and we picked up a couple of movies to watch. It was fun trying to decide on something we both wanted to watch. For a while we just picked really stupid stuff we knew the other would not want to watch. Then we would laugh at the look of horror the title we had “picked” had generated. My Uncle just rolled his eyes and walked up front and waited for us. Finally we stopped goofing around long enough to pick 2 movies out. We picked two oldies that we both liked. I hope nobody finds out that I like mushy old movies. Heheh
We picked “Casablanca” as our mushy movie and Jackie Chan movie “Super Cop” as our action movie. I love his movies that guy is nuts. Some of the stunts in his movies are just crazy.
We watched “Casablanca” first and Timmy and I cuddled on the sofa. It was so romantic and I really loved it. But being in his arms like that just was driving me crazy. Finally after the movie was over he leaned over and kissed me. I don’t think I have ever felt like I felt right then. If we were anywhere but in my living room with the chance of my uncle coming in at any moment I would have gladly done anything Timmy wanted to do. It just felt so right. My head was buzzing and my body felt like every nerve was on fire. His hand was rubbing across my stomach and I was hoping it would go lower and terrified he would at the same time. That’s when I finally remembered where we were and I forced myself to slow down. If we got caught like this I was in a world of trouble and I knew it. It took all the will power I had to pull away from our kiss. When I did I saw the surprise and hurt in Timmy’s eyes. It took a moment for me to pull myself together and then I told him why I had pulled away. He blushed and stammered and said “God Matt! I am sorry I just got carried away. He started to cry and I pulled him to me. He had his head buried on my shoulder and he said. “Please forgive me Matt I know that I just fucked up. But I could not help myself I love you so much and I just got carried away.”
“It was not just you I was just as into it as you were. I just realized that we were in the living room and if my uncle had come in we would have been toast.”
Well at least I have my answer, he defiantly wants to do stuff. Now all I have to do is decide if I am as ready as I thought I was.
March 20
It was great having Timmy over yesterday I just wish he could have stayed the night. But my Uncle and Timmy’s dad would not let us. Sometimes I just want to scream. One minute I am wishing I had not stopped Timmy on the couch. Then the next I am glad that I did. God! I am so mixed up inside about this. There is so much I want to do with Timmy and now I know he does to but we cant.
When Timmy’s dad came over he came upstairs and they had a talk with us. I know that could not have been easy on Timmy’s dad but I do respect the fact that he cares for him. It was almost funny to see the way my Uncle was fidgeting around before we started talking. He was worried and nervous about what he had to say. And it dawned on me that he did not have any experience going to go on for him. He had been on the street as a kid and his family situation before he was kicked out was not good either. Suddenly I felt kind of sad for him. Here he was trying to what he thought was best for me and I was acting like a jerk about it. That’s when I calmed down and listened to what they had to say.
My Uncle started off and said “Timmy, Matt I know you are starting to get real close and I am happy for you both. Matt I think that Timmy is a wonderful young man and I am glad you are dating him.
Steve and I would like to talk over some things with you both. We want to set down some guidelines and let you know what our expectations for you both are. You both are fine young men and we are proud of you. There are some things that we both would like to go over with you.
In the gay and straight communities there can be a tendency to look at sex as an end in itself. I mean that for some people it’s all about the actual sex act. To me that’s kind of sad. What really matters in the long run is the connections we make with people. Please don’t rush into things. Learn to love first then act on that love. If you push just the sexual side you will not last as a couple. There is always someone who will appear to your partner or you to be somehow better looking or more tempting. If there is not something else to anchor your relationship it will fall apart.”
My Uncle stopped there and looked over to Timmy’s dad. He looked down for a moment and then said “Timmy I want you to know that I love you son. I am not trying to deny you or keep you from doing something because I approve or disapprove. The reason we are having this discussion is to go over the repercussions of acting on your feelings. As you all know I am a police officer and if Timmy were to be caught having sex with you Matt they would make an example of him. It would not be personal but in their minds if they went easy on Timmy everyone would think that hi got off easy because I am a cop. In our state you could be put in jail and labeled a sex offender for having gay sex. I know that it is wrong to say one kind of love is ok and another is not. It is not fair but that is how the law reads right now. If that were to happen it would affect the rest of your life. And Matt and what would happen to you and your uncle. Your uncle is a gay man raising a gay kid. You already know what some people think of that. They would love to be able to point to your actions as a reason that gay’s should not be allowed to be parents. It is very likely that he would lose custody of you. He could even be brought up on charges of child endangerment, because he allowed you to engage in sexual activity in his house. And Matt you would more than likely end up on a group home till you were 18. The sad fact is that if you are labeled a sexually active gay youth it would be almost impossible to place you in a foster home.”
I was almost in tears by now. Timmy’s dad had not minced words at all. It felt like I had been hit over the head with a sledgehammer.
He looked at Timmy and I and said “Now you know why we have resisted putting you into situations that could cause trouble. There is one more thing I want to say. If Matt were a girl I would say the exact same thing to you both, because you are both too young to become sexually active yet. I have seen what happens when kids your age become sexually active. They are hardly ever ready for the powerful emotions that accompany becoming sexually involved with someone. Please don’t think that I have forgotten what it was like to be your age I have not. It is our job as parents to help you make better decisions than we did when we were your age.”
By now I was feeling really low I guess Timmy and I had not thought it out. What I had felt when we were on the couch was proof of that. For a second I wondered if my uncle had been listening from the other room. But I dismissed that. He did not operate like that. I knew he trusted me, and that made me want to keep his trust.
What had happened with Timmy on the couch had allowed me to see things a little clearer.
They had some really important reasons for what they were doing.
Then my uncle said, “We were both teenagers and know what if feels like with all those hormones kicking in. What we are saying is wait and develop your relationship first. Then when it does come to that point please be careful and think things through. All we are asking is that you wait and let things progress in your relationship.”
Then he grinned and said. “Till then there is always your imagination and your hand.”
I blushed bright red. I could not believe that he had said that! And in front of Timmy and his dad I was mortified. But when I looked at Timmy he was blushing as well.
Timmy’s dad laughed and said. “There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Every male on the planet does it. Some just lie and say they don’t.”
If anything that made me even more embarrassed. The mental image of my Uncle or Timmy’s dad spanking the monkey made me shudder.
Timmy’s dad noticed my reaction and said. “Do you really think that just because we are older we don’t have the same urges?”
At that point Timmy said. “Dad! Too much information yuck!”
His dad said. “Seriously you guys just be careful and take things slow. When the time comes that you do take your relationship to the next level don’t do it in the heat of the moment and then have regrets. Take your time and make sure you are both ready. Enough said for now.”
I said a silent prayer of thanks that this discussion had not come too late.
After “the
discussion” we went into the kitchen and had some donuts that Timmy’s dad had
brought over. Then it was time to say goodbye to Timmy. I gave him a quick kiss
and a hug. Then they left. I felt so alone when he was gone. My uncle noticed
and gave me a hug and said. “Don’t worry hon you will see him Monday at school.”
”I know but I miss him already.”
It was crazy I was almost in tears and he had just left.
He looked me in the eye and said. “Matt hon what you are feeling is normal when you are in love. It is a wonderful thing but it can be painful at times. I am so proud of you Matt.”
Of course that made me cry. But you know what I don’t give a damn what my father would think. I felt proud right then of who I was and where I was headed.
© Joseph Men 2004