Authors note: I have worked crisis intervention and have dealt with the things that depicted in this chapter. They are never easy to confront or talk about. But if it is never confronted or dealt with, it usually continues to worsen and become more self-destructive. If you have a problem try and get some kind of help to break the pattern.
Chapter 8
Jan 7
This thing is a lot harder to write in than I thought. I promised Mr. Sanger that I would try to write every day. But it seems like about once a week is all that I manage. My Uncle and the therapist both think it is a good idea and both have asked me to write more often. My Uncle has promised me that he will never read anything from it unless I tell him to.
You know it is weird but I believe him. He is different like that. When he tells me he will do something that is the way it is. He told me that I could use the computer but that I could not download illegal pictures on it.
I was confused and asked him what he meant. He said “I know that you mentioned that you liked to look at nude pictures online. But it is illegal for you to view them at your age. If they were found on the computer and that you had viewed them they could send me to jail. We need to be very careful with our actions. There are people out there who would love to say I told you so. A gay man can’t be a proper parent. All they care about is sex.”
“But Uncle!”
“What Matt”
I blushed bright red. “Well I. …sort of like to read stories and look at stuff online.”
“I am sure you do,” He said with a bit of a smile. “What I mean is that you cannot accept or send nude pictures or pornographic pictures. Or store any nude pictures on the computer.”
“But!”
“Just let me finish Matt! I know that a kid your age is going to look at things online. But this is very important! Think before you act. Don’t ever go somewhere that could get you in trouble or us in trouble. Now I am going to trust you on this. I am not the type of person who will go snooping around in you room or anything like that. But in return I demand that you live up to your word and not let either one of us down. Is that clear?”
“Yes sir” That was the first time I had ever heard that tone of voice from him. Usually he was very mild mannered. I knew that I what he said was must be really important or he would not have been so stern about it. I was a little pissed with him at first then I realized that he was right. If I was careless I could end up in a far worse situation.
My Mom and Dad still have not called to talk to me. Sometimes my whole life before I came here seems like some kind of bad dream. I just wish it would all go away but it wont. Dr. Woodlief told me that I would probably have to testify against them. I like him he does not treat me like a kid and never sugar coats things. But he sure can piss me off when he makes me relive some of the really bad things from back home. There are some things I have not told him yet. It’s just too hard. No body knows not even my Uncle I don’t know what he would do if he knew. Sometimes I just want to die. It seems too hard to keep going. I go through the motions with my life but inside something is dead and I don’t know if I can get it back. But then I look at Uncle and realize that he went through the same things and came out of it ok. That kind of gives me some hope that I wont be like mom or dad. I’m going to bed now I am too fucking depressed to write anymore tonight.
Jan 20
A lot has happened in the last two weeks. I sort of lost it and Uncle and Dr. Woodlief had me go into the nuthouse for 5 days. I was so so pissed at them at first but they were right. They put me on some medication and now I feel better. I think I really scared Uncle and I feel awful about it. You see I had been cutting myself for about 6 months. Things were so out of control back home and I felt like I was going to explode if something did not change. The day he found out I cut deeper than I had before and made a mess. He was doing laundry and I had forgotten that I got blood on my underwear. When he did the laundry he found them and came to me scared that something really bad had happened to me. I was so embarrassed because I thought he would think I was a complete loser and maybe he would think I was not worth all the trouble I was causing him. That was stupid on my part. All he did was sit me down and really calmly ask me how long I had been doing it. Turns out he did crisis intervention and had dealt with it before. Don’t get me wrong he was very worried but he did not get mad at me. He just scheduled me to see Dr. Woodlief in the afternoon. That was a rather intense session I can tell you. They both were worried that I might hurt myself even worse. I finally came clean with them. They were said that I needed a couple of day’s inpatient while they got me adjusted to some medication. They also wanted me to be in the group sessions there. Where everyone there was in the same boat. I mean at a point were they needed help. I agreed because I really did not feel like I had much choice. If I did not agree I was scared that Uncle would wash his hands of me. So I went in determined to just get it over with. But when I got to the first group secession I found out I was not the only one with problems. Now I know that sounds stupid. Of course I knew I was not the only one. But knowing it in your head and being in a room full of kids all who had considered and even attempted to kill them selves really hit home. Some of the situations were bad they made me sick. But at the same time I was able to say some things there that I had not been able to say around adults.
When I got out it was like getting out of prison. You don’t have any privacy and you are monitored 24/7. It really made me appreciate how much trust Uncle had given me. I feel so bad that I did not live up to it. I hope I can make it up to him.
Jan 23
See I am getting better at this of course that could be that my Head doctor and Dr. Woodlief have both told me that it is part of my therapy errrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Just what I wanted an endless writing assignment. Life sucks sometimes.
Jan 30
They have changed my medication dosage again. Seems that was getting used to it or something. I do feel a little better. Something happened tonight I should write down. I finally told Uncle that I was sorry for not trusting him and coming to him sooner. He told me that he was just glad that I was getting better. Then he told me that I was very brave. That kind of floored me. I mean I thought I was the biggest coward around. But he said that I was brave because I was facing my demons and not letting them control my life anymore. That made me feel kind of proud. I am going to try to make him proud. I have not cut myself since I went to the hospital and I have some things to do when I feel the urge to do it. So far they are working. I just pray that it continues I don’t want to ever do it again.
Feb. 3
School sucks School sucks School sucks. Did I mention school sucks. Oh yeah I did. God what is the matter with people anyway? Someone at school found out where I lived. Now they have spread it all over that I am living with my “Gay Uncle” Naturally they assume that he is some kind of a pervert. I punched that ass hole Mitch right in the nose. Shit! shit! shit! Now my life here is going to get all fucked up. Everyone will now assume I am gay. Well fuck them. I guess I might as well make it official. There is a Gay Straight Alliance at school maybe I will join it. It’s unfair! I was not ready for people to know. I am going to have to talk to Zack maybe he can give me some advice. Oh yeah I forgot the most screwed up thing of all, I am suspended for 3 days and have to go to some stupid class at school for conflict resolution. Never mind that he pushed me into the lockers and said all those things about my uncle. I mean how stupid is that? I don’t think that some class is going to change Mitch’s attitude. The worst was having to face my Uncle when he came to pick me up. I could tell he was really disappointed with me. That just finished my day off perfectly
Feb. 8
I kind of feel stupid right now. My meeting with Dr. Woodlief was this afternoon and we talked over what had happened and how I felt. He is easy to talk to and knowing he is gay I asked him a bunch of questions that I would die of embarrassment if I had to talk to Uncle about them. Even so I was blushing pretty badly but the time I stammered them to him. But he was pretty cool and answered them all for me.
He was right about school as well. Things did not turn out as bad as I imagined. Yeah Mitch is still an ass hole. But he got into a lot more trouble than me. It turns out that one of the teachers saw the whole thing and heard what he said. It seems that my school has zero tolerance for harassment. He was suspended for 2 weeks. Most everyone has been mellow about it. Go figure. I had not realized how many of the guys from the Gay youth group went to my school. They have sort of taken me under their wing. They told me they had my back. That meant a lot to me. There is one guy there who I really like. His name is Timmy did I mention he is cute well he is. Now all I have to do is get up enough nerve to ask him if he wants to come over my house after school.
Feb 9
He said yes! This weekend he is coming over after school and staying till the youth group meeting. I have to figure out what we can do. Damn I am nervous.
Feb 10
Hey Hey two days in a row, some kind of record here. Timmy is coming over Friday night he is riding the bus home with me.
I first met him when we did the youth walk through for the gay youth support group. I did the walk through for all the guys and I noticed him right away. He is in the same grade with me. I like him a lot. He is kind of quite like I am. We are about the same body build just average guys. Some people at school tease him and call him a fag. But he just ignores them and refuses to let them get to him. Timmy’s a lot braver than I am he has been out since middle school. Did I mention he is really cute. Ok so I did. There is something about him that just makes my stomach go all funny.
I have this crush on Zack but he is a lot older than me and I know he will never be anything but a friend. Its different with Timmy I have never felt this way before and it kind of I scares me.
I asked Zack about it and he smiled and said “The first time you start to feel like this toward someone is something you will probably never forget. I know I wont forget the first time I fell for someone. I have to warn you though. It hardly ever last long. You are just beginning to figure out yourself and what you like and don’t like. It is a learning curve. You have to remember that probably applies to the guy you are interested in as well. All young people go through it. But gay kids have it especially hard in this area. For the most part they cannot just look around at how others are handling it and learn from them or talk to their friends about it. So we tend to be more isolated. Now this is changing with the youth support groups and the Internet. I can only imagine what it must have been like for people your uncles age or older. If I can offer any advice is take it slow and make sure that you don’t do anything till both of you are ready.”
Zack gave me something to think about. What was I ready for? I mean what did I know. I have never even kissed anyone before. I know one part of me wants to tackle Timmy and do everything I had seen online. But now I am beginning to think that maybe Dr. Woodlief and Zack were right. I was getting messed up in the head just thinking about it. I think that I will take things really slow with Timmy, just be friends for a while and see what happens. After all I can still use my imagination and my hand to take care of things otherwise.
Would you listen to me I have not even dated him yet and I am already assuming that he wants to do things faster than I do. Maybe I have been reading too much online. Not everyone can be as horny as the guys in some of those stories. Not to mention how many parents would actually let their kids have sex if they knew.
Wow this is my longest journal entry yet. I guess that is what happens when you find a subject you are interested in. :)
© Joseph Men 2004