The Long Lonely Highway Of Pain
                                      by Movieguy
                                     
                                     
                                   a story of fiction or is it?
                                  
                                  
  I don't have a long story to tell, just a few things you might want
  to hear, or maybe not. life for me begun when i was 12, it was when
  i knew i was gay!, no second guessing. it was who and what i was.
  i fell for a boy name Trey a good looking boy of 13, it didn't matter
  that he was straight, he just made me happy to look at him
  but it was Gus that i ended up with, not the handsome image of Trey
  but at least Gus was gay, all was fine until my mom caught us
  Gus never return, and my folks really talk to me anymore, they didn't
  try to beat gayness out of me, just didn't talk to me much, or treated
  me like they use to
  my brothers Josh and Larry who use to speak with me about girls all the
  time, now only talk to me about school and homework
  Sister Linda was the only one who didn't change the way she has always
  been to me, sweet and loving. without her i might not have as much made
  it
  when i turned 18 i quickly move out of the house, did not waste any time.
  got me a job and a place to live
  i walk up to Mr. Jones, are you the owner?  yes i'am. what can i do for
  you, I'm Davy Wilson, i'm looking for a job!   so you say,  yes sir
  don't call me sir, it Jon. i'm only 32 and don't like the sir thing
  yes Jon, that is without the H!     yeah it is, and thank for noticing
  Davy,    you are welcome Jon,    so can you drive a truck,  yes i can
  and i got the license to prove it,   i showed him and he smile
  can you start in the morning,   yeah i can start anytime,  good. be here
  at 7 on the dot,    i smile and shook his hand, after that day we got
  along just fine, i enjoy working there, and he enjoy me working there
  i told him about me, he didn't bat an eye, listen Davy, i don't care
  what you are! as long as you do the job you are doing, you got no
  problem with me, if anyone else find out and give you any shit, you let
  me know now you hear!?   yeah Jon, thank a lot man
 
  now if only my family felt the same way, i go and visit once a week
  they seem casual when i go by, but it not like before they found me
  out, i feel lonely deep inside when i see them. they never turn me
  away, but never ask me to stay longer, Josh and Larry tell me about
  their cars, or the trouble they've had with them. but nothing more
  Linda ask a million question, guess she the reason i go there to see
  them
 
  i dated a few guys, if a one night stand is a date that is, only
  Nelson seem to come around the most, we stayed together a few month
  before he got up and left, said he could not take anymore of my mood
  swing!, can't say i blame him. i get to thinking how my folks got use
  to not caring if i was around anymore. i get all twisted up in knot
  inside, i miss them treating me like a family
 
  everyday i have to delivery lumber in my job, i enjoy meeting the people
  i meet, but having a home life is something i miss. Jon ask me to come
  over for dinner with his wife, but i turn him down, he seem to worry that
  i have no one at home to go to, he don't try to fix me up with anyone
  but it nice to know that he cares
 
  gay bars can be a dangerous place to pick up someone, a guy i know
  got push into a van and tied up and raped. now he had to worry if he
  got hiv or some other type of virus. plus the memory of the rape was
  haunting him forever, unlike women, mens can't go to the police and
  expect them to believe them. it like if you are stupid enough to follow
  the guy outside, then you were asking for it anyway, it not even fair at
  all. i was told that a guy told the court one day that he was rape by
  a dozen woman. the judge ask him if he got a erection. the guy said "yes'
  the judge threw the case out, saying if you could get a erection, then
  you were enjoying it, even straight guys can't hollar rape when they
  didn't want it
 
  i went to delivery a load of 2 x 4, a guy name Justin help unload them
  he was so handsome, i could not stop my eyes from peering at him, and he
  notice. didn't even jump away when i ask if he was gay. i don't know what
  got over me to be that brave to him, i never went up to anyone before like
  that, he smile and told me yes, that he was. we went out on a date, then he
  moved in with me. it been two years and i love him, and i hope that he
  love me too
 
  we visit my parents and they act nice around him, in fact more than i thought
  they would, my brothers as as usual talk cars, Justin knows more than i about
  them, so they get along okay, Linda seem thrilled when we come by
  mom and dad seem to talk to me a little more, but still there seems to be a
  chill in the air between us, i still have nightmares that they will never
  come to terms with me
  Justin tells me that time will help the relationship, but we always end up
  arguing over it. so that put me in another panic, Nelson left me because of
  my fear and i'm so afraid that i will do the same with Justin and he will
  leave me too!
 
  "morning Davy"    "morning Jon"
 ready to take this shipment to the Wallace resident!   
 yeah i'am
 okay it loaded and ready to roll
 so i take the truck and head to the resident, i love my job and Jon is a
 good man, he gotten to know me so well that he can tell when i'm happy or
 moody
 so i work weekdays, and on the weekend me and Justin goes to town, or to a
 restaurant and eat. take in a movie and head back home
 
 i wake up in the middle of the night panting sometime, i dream that my family
 tell me that i'm not a welcome member of the households, and that they don't
 want me around, Justin will wake up and see me sweating and crying. he know
 what the dream is, the same one that keep coming back every few days or so
 
 "Davy" it just a dream, be still and let me hold you, you told me they never
 ever said for you to leave. it all in your mind that the dream keep coming
 back so many time
 
 i know, but i don't see them loving me the way before i was caught with that
 boy one day
 
 but they never abuse you did they?
 
 no, not really. unless not saying i love you like they use to is a abuse
 
 listen Davy, you are grown up now. why don't you all sit down and talk. maybe
 it will help all of you if you did
 
 "what" so they can tell me they don't care for me anymore?
 
 no, maybe they are holding back. it been so long since that day, maybe you seem
 odd acting to them as well, maybe talking will clear the air for them as for you
 
 i will think about it
 
 "good"  now let get you some sleep. a long working day ahead of us
 
 yeah. nite babe
 
 you too
 
 that how it is every night i wake up like that, he is gentle. and caring
 
 but other days in broad daylight i panic, i wrap myself in a corner
 Justin will grab hold and try to clam me, i fight back
 
 Davy please, let me help you
 
 go away, like them you will leave me and not love me anymore!
 
 i do love you, and i will not go away
 
 i get up and will storm across the floor, leaving him there to moan
 at my reaction
 
 the demons inside me was there before i was found out, i knew early
 that i was "gay" i was always hugging the boys
 the fear i had consume me, freighting me. ate at me, and finally
 it made me a doubtful person
 yes, deep inside i knew i was lucky not to be out in the street or
 in some home for unwanted child, yes they did not bring up my sexual
 lifestyle that i had. but yet i felt alone, even if they never gave
 me up. i was lonely, only Linda provide me with hope
 
 but then maybe she knew they better than i, maybe she thought things
 through better. i was always a panic type, i worry if my grade was up
 or down. i worry about what others thought
 even in my job i worry, am i doing this right. or that right
 if i hear a little complaint i melt, i don't get but maybe one complaint
 a year, i mean a large one. other than that i get none also. still i worry
 if i don't get attention, i always call myself. the worrywarts
 
 now Justin has to put up with this mood swing, i know he has to get tired
 of it, like Nelson did
 i feel as if everyone will leave me, Justin say he won't. still i worry
 
 many times we went out to dinner, or to the show. or stayed at home and
 watch dvd's on tv and had popcorn balls and beer while viewing
 we share so much together, love so much together. still i had that nagging
 feeling come to me, my mind always told me they will leave me
 
 i could not make up my mind if my 'rent accepted us, or was just being
 nice. my sis was always out going and loving, but i worry about the rest
 
 then one day it hit me, i could not stand for anyone to leave me again!
 instead. it would be I that would go
 
 i left a note on the bed, told Justin i was "leaving"
 
 i left the house, only to return to see what his reaction would be.
 he came home from work, started to change clothes. and found the note
 on the bed
 he cries, oh no!. please baby come back, don't leave me!
 
 he ran from the house, i left after he took off. i travel
 
 as i visit many places i never thought i'd see, i thought of Justin
 and the way he cries, and it pain me
 so i went back home, i stop first at my 'rent to see how they were
 doing since i left, i stood by the back door to listen to them
 
 mom: oh honey, if we only knew how he felt's, i think he would
 still be home with Justin
 
 dad: i know, i wish he was here so i could tell him that i still
 love him, but i'm so damn stubborn
 
 mom: so was he, don't blame yourself. he was so much like you
 it was unreal
 dad: yes, that true. of all the boys we were the most alike. except!
 
mom: except that he like guys!

dad: yeah, it took me a long time to be excepting. then when i was,
i was too stubborn to admit to him that i still love him, guess that
make me a lousy dad

mom: no dear, both of you could not bring it up to each other on
how to discuss anything about it, both of you were afraid to ask
the other one anything. fear played a big part, and it kept both
of you from speaking on what matters most

dad: you are right honey, the boy's miss him too and so do Linda

mom: she so close to him, always has been

dad: yeah

mom: let get dinner ready for the kids

dad: yeah

i went outside and lean on the wall, i could not believe what i
heard, my mom and dad freely talking about how they love me
i was happy, but sad too, i felt more like a fool than i did before

i walk down the road thinking about what i heard, i ended up at my
old workplace and seen Jon leaning up on the post, another worker
named Ted walk up to him

say Jon! thinking?

hell yeah, thinking about Davy

i bet, we miss him around here, wish he would come back to us

so do i, hell he was a friend and a good worker Ted

i know, he went out of his way to help anybody

hell yeah he did, we could had use 20 more of him here

don't i know Jon!, he knew his stuff

he knew our stuff, smart as a whip, i just keep looking
for him to come back anytime

hey Jon, so do i. he was us

yes he was Ted, that he was. wish i could had told him
that leaving would not do him or anyone any good

yeah i know, but listen. we do have a load to get on the
truck here

yeah you're right, let get it on and ship it. roll it

yes sir

damn, even my boss and friend miss me!?  why did i doubt
that. he was always there for me

i got under a shaded tree and thought about what i heard
so far, was fear of people leaving me keeping me from
making the right choice in my life?  did i lose Justin
just because i was scared of life? and what would happen
if they left me, when i had someone that stood by me? no
matter what?

there was dad, yes we were the most alike, stubborn
loving. caring, yet too afraid to say anything bad that
would or could hurt another, even if we were hurting each
other for fear that we would hurt the other more

mom, still the loving mom i knew, maybe i misplace it by
fear of losing her again. except did i ever lose her?

was it a slow process that i was in a hurry to solve without
making the effect we both needed to make?

and dear Linda, i'm so glad i didn't go to her room, i never
would had made it without grabbing her and hugging and
telling her i'm sorry for walking away like that if i saw
her crying like i know she was

oh god! Justin

i rush to the house, there he was sitting on the couch

just a blank stare, looking straight ahead

Justin, i'm sorry babe. please forgive me

he didn't say anything at first, just look ahead

why Davy? why did you leave me like that, i told you
i would never leave you!   he weep, i would have gave
my life for you, don't you understand that now.

with a heavy heart, i said. yes i do. i'm so sorry
for leaving the way i did. i wish i could take it
all back

he lean his face into his hand, i lean to touch him
the best i could

Justin please! i wish to take the pain that i've made
to go away

he slowly look up, but just stare

then he got up from the couch and walk to the windows
and look out

he thought for awhile

you know Davy, we had it made. i love you better than
life itself. i made you my life. but you decided to
leave me. and it hurts

the pain i felt from him was so real, the sound of his
voice told me more of how much i hurt him

please, if you are gonna leave. let me be, i can't stand
this anymore Davy

i walk to him and kiss him on the cheeks

he still just stare

i walk away

he went and sat back on the couch

i left out the door, what could i do? the damage
i've made was done

i went to the bridge and sat on the rail

i thought about all that happen that day i left

the way he look at the note i left on the bed
the tears, the fear of losing me, the way he ran
out the door to find me

then today, i listen to my parents and heard how
they feel, and my boss and buddy Jon too

i didn't know until now how much i meant to them all

i took my foolish pride and hurt them with our giving
them all the benefit of the doubt, the doubt i carry
with me

i should have had slow me down more, i should have
try to let things work out for themselves, instead i was
in a hurry. and hurry make you make bad mistakes

Nelson, forgive me too, i should not have made you
so scared to be around me

i should had talk to a professional to help me with
all my fear and doubt like Justin ask me to
and if they didn't understand. find another that would!

i understand all of it now

but now is too late, i lost them all

my mind return to that day Justin finds the note

on this rail i can see him running down the road

he jump in the water to find me, it too late
i was gone before he found that note

no breath, no life, i ended it all before he came
home

i only came back to the house to see what he thought
if he saw the note

i thought my pain would end when i did

it did, except it brought more pain, not only to me
but to the one i loved

the pain i had before is nothing to the pain i got
now, they are gone.

the pain i feel now will forever be with me
and i can't die again to get rid of these pain

the pain of the voices i heard from mom and dad, Jon
and Justin. the pain of Linda cries of me "leaving"
so glad i didn't hear the real cries she had. the
sound i know she made is hard enough in my mind

the pain on Justin face, the face i kiss everyday
that smile at me when i did was gone, it now was
filled with sorrow i left for him

now i got bigger pain, the pain i can't take away
from them

pain i can't kill myself over, because now it
refuse to die forever

i never thought until now how my pain was really
their pain. the pain i didn't try to explain when
i was in life

now they know because of the note, it still didn't
tell all my pain. and if i didn't tell anything in
the note
the rumor would had told them something along the
way, and they would had still wonder why?

why with pain, pain i thought i killed. but only
spread like a disease

i wish Justin felt the last kiss i gave him, in truth
so do i. a ghost kiss never get the feel it had in life

it something i will alway miss, the hugs, the love,
the kiss. everything i long for now i could have had
for years to come is gone

the love they wish they could share is gone as well
if only i tried to help me and them understand

if i could do it all over again, i would

instead as i get off this bridge, i see a long
road ahead of me

The Long Lonely Highway of Pain

pain that i can never kill, pain that was worse than
what i had before

*footnote*

To my friend K' that all i'm gonna say on his name

I know you had pain, and i know you are out there.

somewhere wishing you could talk to me and your family

i can feel it, but i can't shake your hand or give you
a hugs for being my friend, like before

i know you feel the same

i know you said in your note, that you wish you could
do it without me finding you. i only wish you felt more
about not letting me find you instead, because the lost
of you and the lost your family feel was not what you
deserve, nor is it what many other deserve, that is now
walking that same Long Lonely Highway of Pain as you
are

was it worth it, not to many of us it not!

somewhere, somehow. somebody is worth it always

if you know someone that hurt, tell them, help them
if you are that someone, seek help. you are
worth it, without you is not

wish you could ask K' he would tell you if he could

for now he know he was, this message is from him to
you, listen. it is worth it. he said so
in my heart he told me to write this to you

since he can't type it

i write it because he told me to, in my heart to you

and to those that love you

MG