Chapter 37
I felt a little better after talking with Matt at school that day. But in the last couple of weeks I’ve had trouble holding it together. The meeting with the District Attorney office was really tough. They went over what I could expect to hear from the defense lawyers and it was not pretty. Mr. Myers was assigned to talk to mom and I, and he was nice enough the first time we met, as we went over my testimony for the prosecution. He basically walked me through what questions they would be asking and then I responded just like we were in the courtroom. It was not easy answering some of them but I knew I was going to have to go through this.
I had never really given it any thought before but in a way you get victimized twice. The first time when you are raped and then when you are forced to relive it in front of everyone all over again. My emotions were all over the place all week long. One minute I was up and thinking I was over the worst and the next I was sitting alone in my room crying, not wanting to be around anyone. When I talk to Dr. Woodlief about it he keeps telling me that what I am feeling is part of the process but that does not make it any easier to deal with.
The second session with Mr. Myers we were there for a dry run of what I could expect with the cross-examination.
We went to a conference room, and he pulled a chair out so I was away from the table. He did that so he could face me directly. Then he walked me through what would happen before I testified.
He said, “Today I am going to act just like the defense attorney on cross examination. You are going to get mad at me and want to punch me. But that is exactly what he is going to try to do. He will want to get you flustered and say something you don’t mean. That’s why we are here today. I am going to say things that he is going to say. It’s ok if you get mad at me. Just try to remember to stay focused. If you stay focused and answer truthfully he can’t get anywhere.
Your job is to go up there and tell the jury what happened. I know that is not going to be easy Josh. I just wish you did not have to testify but that’s not how the system works.”
I was not all that happy about it, but what could I do. If they were going to be punished for what they did I was going to have to help. It was as simple as that.
“Ok Josh lets get started.”
I nodded and it began.
“Mr. Simons you claim that you were forced to have sex with my clients on the 8th of March. Isn’t it a fact that you had been having sex with them for almost a year?”
“They made me!”
“Did they put a gun to your head?” He was almost sneering when he said it and I felt myself losing it. I tried to remember to keep my cool and I said, “They beat me up if I did not and threatened to hurt my mom.”
“Again did you tell anyone of these alleged threats?” His voice was just dripping with sarcasm and doubt, it made me so mad, I lost all thought of staying under control, and I felt the tears beginning to run down my face.
Suddenly his expression softened and he said, “Josh I am not enjoying this anymore than you are. But if you are going to be prepared for this trial you need to know how it’s likely to go. Mr. Peterson is the defense attorney and he has a reputation for tactics just like this. He is going to try to rattle you and make you contradict yourself. That way he hopes to establish doubt about his client’s guilt.
I know it’s not fair or right but he is going to play the gay card and try to make you out as some sex starved pervert. If we stick to the facts and don’t let him demonize you they don’t stand a chance.
Don’t be ashamed to cry, anyone would after what you have been through. Just remember to try and keep your cool.
Why don’t we take a break? We have Coke or Pepsi which would you like?”
“Pepsi would be good.”
He left to get the drinks and I tried to gather myself together. We spent the entire afternoon like that. By the time we stopped I was exhausted emotionally. But I had made it through it and now I knew what to expect and I knew I could make it through it.
That night I woke up screaming again. The nightmares had been a lot less frequent lately but as the trial date got closer they were back in full force. After a couple of days I was so tired I was forced to go back on the sleeping pills.
Dr. Woodlief and I talked about it on Thursday and he told me that I was making great progress. But he said he was going to increase my medication dosage till the end of the trial. I was not happy with that because of how detached I felt when it was at a higher dosage.
The next several days went by in a blur but by Friday I was beginning to adjust to the new levels. Of course it did not hurt that Kevin was coming over for supper and then going to the youth support meeting with me! I can’t believe that he is interested in me, especially after what’s been done to me. But he says he likes me and wants to date.
God he is so cute. I can’t stop thinking about him. As long as I keep it to being his friend and liking him I am all right. It’s when I start thinking of sex that’s when things get mixed up. Dr. Woodlief and I have been talking about it a lot. He says that what I am feeling is to be expected when you have been raped. It takes time to work through things and begin to overcome automatic reactions to things.
I still don’t remember a lot of the day I was raped but in a way I am glad, because what I do remember is bad enough. There are not any words for how much I hate them. Dr. Woodleif says that someday I will be able to let go of the anger but I am not so sure.
My mom still cries a lot when we have a group session. I have tried to tell her that I don’t blame her for what happened but she does not seem to be able to stop blaming herself. A lot of the time I still don’t think she gets it. But she is trying hard to understand and to protect me. Sometimes that can be hard to take. The last thing I want right now is to be treated like some baby. I am a lot stronger than she seems to think and that makes me mad. I mean just because I am gay and kind of fem does not mean I am not tough.
Speaking of being fem Kevin likes me just the way I am, in all my glory. Hehe
I am not stupid; I realize that, even in the support groups there are guys who don’t like me because I am a flamer. But you know what screw them. It’s my life and I am going to stay with what I am comfortable with. It would be different if it was an act but it’s just me.
School has been different since I got back. With the exception of a few idiots most people treat me much better than they did before. Though I still here the occasional whispers and see the occasion stares. They make me feel dirty somehow. I know in my head it was not my fault. But sometimes I still feel dirty and ashamed. In theory it sounds so simple to just say it was not my fault. But these reactions go much deeper than that. I get so tired of hearing it will get better. Damn it! It does not make it any easier to deal with the here and now. When I go to a session with Dr. Woodlief, he just lets me vent for a while before we start, and by the end of the session I have calmed down enough to listen to what he is saying. I just pray that someday soon I feel it inside instead of just in my head.
It’s not all bad don’t get me wrong. There have been positive things happening. The girl from my study hall, Dawn, has actually followed through and spent some time with me. The first time we met I was so freaked out I was tongue-tied.
We had agreed to meet just after school in the common area. Our school has a neat area by the cafeteria. It is about 200’ by 100’ in size and is surrounded on all four sides by the school buildings so it is like an old Roman courtyard. There are benches and picnic tables so you can eat your lunch outside when the weather is good. Anyway we met there just after the last bell.
I am still moving a little slow from what I went through, so she was already seated waiting for me. I walked up in front of her and all of a sudden I did not know what to do. When you spend most of your life without friends you don’t exactly have a lot of practice with this stuff.
When she looked up and saw how nervous I was her smile kind of faded and she said, “Josh you don’t have to worry I am not trying to make fun of you or embarrass you in anyway.”
I blushed, because I was half-afraid that was what she had in mind.
She patted the bench by her and said, “Come on have a seat I won’t bite.”
I hesitated for a second and then set down and said, “Thanks for putting Debbie in her place it was nice of you. I have been trying to ignore them but it was definitely wearing thin I can tell you.”
“Your welcome Josh. To tell you the truth I can’t stand that girl. Her whole family is that way and the saddest thing is that they have a son who is gay. You would think that they would have learned from that, but not them, their haters to the end. Their son is a successful engineer and lives out of state. He was kicked out of their house when he came out. To my knowledge he has not been back since.”
“How do you know so much about it?”
“My parents were friends with them till they became complete pricks.”
“How come you wanted….”?
“Josh we really need to work on your self esteem. You are a bright guy with a great personality. Why wouldn’t I want to spend some time with you?”
Of course that made me blush and she laughed. For a second I was mad because I thought she was laughing at me. But then I realized that she did not mean anything by it at all. So I smiled back at her and said, “Thanks.”
“Your welcome Josh.”
After that, I loosened up and we just talked about things at school and what our lives were like. The only time the conversation got heavy was when she asked me how I was holding up with everything that was going on.
I started to reply and could not as I was suddenly overwhelmed.
I was fighting back the tears and failing miserably and she said. “Josh I am so sorry that was an incredibly stupid thing for me to ask. I can be such an idiot sometimes. Please forgive me.”
I shook my head and said, “It’s not your fault Dawn the trial starts in less than a week and I will have to go through all of it in front of a audience. The trial could go on for months and I just don’t know how I am going to make it. I’m also scared of how people here at school are going to react with it all over the papers. I am tired of the stares and the look in people’s eyes. Don’t they even think? I mean how the hell do they think it makes me feel, when I hear the whispers, and see the looks. I did not ask to be raped damn it!”
I was shaking I was so upset and it took me a minute before I could calm down and when I did I saw that she was crying and I felt bad.
Look Dawn I’m really sorry, that was totally unfair of me to vent at you that way. Please don’t cry.”
She wiped her eyes, cleared her throat and said, “No I am the one who should apologize. I can’t believe how insensitive I was. You hardly know me and I just brought up something that I never should have. It would have been fine if you initiated the conversation. But to just bulldoze my way in like that was wrong.”
“I tried to smile, but it was closer to a grimace I think and I said, “Look lets just stay away from the what happened and the trial. Anything else is fine. Ok?”
She nodded and after a few minutes we were chatting like we had known each other for years. It was good to just sit there and relax with someone and not worry what their motives were. We talked for about a half an hour till it was time for my mom to pick me up.
When I said I had to go she smiled and said, “Thanks Josh I enjoyed talking with you.”
“Me to. Thanks again.
She smiled and grabbed her books and headed back inside and down the hall.
I was so lost in thought that I almost walked into David. At first I was confused, then I realized that he must have come to make sure that I was ok, and that almost made me cry. It was so good to have real friends, and I still was not used to it. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, and wake up and realize that it was all just a dream.
He looked at me concerned when he saw I fighting back tears and said, “What’s wrong Josh?”
“Nothing is wrong. I am just kind of overwhelmed that I have such good friends.”
“What do you mean?”
“Thanks for coming and making sure I was ok.”
He laughed and said, “Hey I just happened to be over here.”
I did not believe that for a second and said, “Well thanks for just happening to be over here, I know you guys care and, it means a lot to me.”
He winked at me and said, “Well don’t let it get around, I don’t want to ruin my reputation of being a bad ass, who does not give a damn. I have worked hard to establish it.”
That made me laugh and he joined in.
I rolled my eyes and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that you really are a good hearted guy. Your secret is safe.”
For that comment, he playfully batted me on the back of the head. And I just stuck my tongue out at him.
He sighed and said, “You are so bad.”
“Well I have a reputation to keep up as well.”
That earned me a laugh. Then he said, “So how did it go with that girl?”
“Her name is Dawn, and she is nice, I think she will be a good friend.”
“Good.” He was being sincere when he said it and that really made me feel good.
As we walked back to the front of the school we talked about the next youth support meeting. David was excited because a famous gay author was coming in to speak to us. He had read all the guys work and really liked him. It was kind of fun to hear him so excited about something. I had learned that he did not let himself get too excited about much of anything. It was almost like he had been burned so many times that he was afraid to hope. David was such a mystery to me, and to most people who knew him. I was not sure what had happened but I was sure that someone had hurt him badly when he was younger and he used the tough guy image to protect himself physically, and emotionally. But though it all, he was still, a kind sensitive guy. The parts just did not seem to add up to me.
But I was glad he was my friend. People who were put off by his rough exterior were missing out it was there loss.
Suddenly I heard “Earth to Josh, Earth to Josh?”
I looked up with a sheepish expression on my face. It was not the first time I had faded out lately and with all that was going on would not be the last I figured.
“I’m sorry David. I sort of faded out there for a minute. What did you say?”
He looked down at me and pretended to be indignant for a minute, and then laughed and said, “I said, Mr. Josh Simons are you excited about your date with Kevin?”
I blushed and nodded yes and that made him laugh.
“Sooo… You do like him.” It was not really a question he already knew the answer but he wanted to tease me some more. So I just stuck my tongue out at him and did not reply. Of course he did not let me get away with that.
“Come on inquiring minds want to know. Do you like him?”
Rolling my eyes I turned and said, “Yes I do as a matter of fact. Are you happy now?”
He snickered and said, “Yeah that will do just fine.”
Then he surprised me reaching over and giving me a hug and saying. “I’m glad Josh. You deserve to find some happiness.”
I looked up at him and said through my tears, “Thanks David.”
He smiled at me and said, “Have a good time Friday. Then he laughed and said, “Oh and don’t forget I want a full report on Monday, with all the gory details.”
I must have had a shocked look on my face because he started laughing and could not stop. I just looked at him like he was crazy and waited for him to calm down. When he finally could catch his breath he said, “The look on your face was priceless.”
That was as far as he could get before he started laughing again. I just shook my head and said, “Well I am glad you find it amusing.”
He caught up with me and
said, “Hey I’m sorry if I upset you I was just teasing you.”
“I know. I’m not made you just caught me off guard. I guess it was kind of funny at that. Then he started laughing again and that got me started.
When we walked up to my mom still laughing she smiled and said, “What’s so funny?”
David blushed and said, “Mrs. Simons you don’t want to know” And that got him laughing again.
Meanwhile I was trying to figure out how to explain it to my mom without totally embarrassing myself.
She saw how I was hesitating and said, “Never mind I don’t think I want to know.” Shook her head and said, “Boys.”
Of course that got me giggling again.
I said good-bye to David and he waved at us as we drove off. Mom was kind of quite for a few minutes then she said, “Honey it was good to hear you laugh again like that.”
“It felt good to be able to mom.”
After you are finished with Dr. Woodlief do you want to grab something on the way home?”
I thought about it for a minute and said, “Could we stop at Sally’s and grab some baked chicken?”
“That sounds good to me. Why don’t you use my cell phone and order it. That way it will be ready when we get there. Tell her we will pick it up at 5:00PM”
“Ok. Do you want baked chicken as well?”
“That sounds good.”
“What sides do you want?”
“Let me see. How about corn and green beans.”
When we arrived at Dr. Woodlief’s his secretary signed us in and then she got ready to head out, as I was the last patient for the evening.
Dr. Woodlief noticed my upbeat mood and said, “Josh I take it your day went well?”
“Yeah it did. I made a new friend today. And I realized that I have some really good friends already.”
I told him about my thoughts on David and how good a friend he was.
When I told him about my blow up while I was with Dawn he asked, “Why do you think you reacted that way?”
I thought about it for a minute and said, “I don’t think it was what she said so much as it reminded me of all the stuff that is coming up and that I don’t have any control over any of it.”
He nodded and said, “I think you hit it on the head Josh. How did you time with her go after you laid down some boundaries.”
“It went much better.” I did not get it for a minute then it hit me. I had taken control of the situation and laid out boundaries that made me feel safe. We had been working on me being more assertive about things and it looked like I was finally getting it.
He smiled at me and said, “You handled that situation very well. It enabled both of you to know where the boundaries were. So both of you could be comfortable.
When we got to Sally’s I was surprised to see Robert sitting with Sally. It was still early so were no customers in the store. When we walked up I realized that they were filling out his paperwork. His tax forms and insurance papers were there as well.
Robert looked up and said, “Hi Josh. Mrs. Simons, how are you doing?”
Mom answered, “Were doing alright how are things with you?”
Mom did not know all the details but she did know that he was moving in with Sally.
It had come up in the conversation at dinner the night before. When I mentioned that he was being kicked out of his house. My mom had made the comment that it was a shame when a family turned its back on a child. And that had made me realize that I was “lucky” in a way. I could have ended up on the street if my mother’s reaction had been like Robert’s parents.
Sally left to go get out dinner and that allowed Robert and I to talk for a few minutes.
“Robert how are you doing?”
“I’m hanging in there how about you?”
“About the same I guess.”
“Well its official now I am
living with Sally now. Mom and Dad signed the paper work this morning.”
He was a little misty eyed but he did not cry. It made me really sad to see his family turn their back on him like this.
I guess he saw that I was upset by it because he said, “Hey I am actually lucky. A lot of gay kids get kicked out and don’t have a place to go to.
I knew he was right that he was lucky that Sally had been there. But lucky was not the word I would have used. It did not seem right somehow. He was lucky that a terrible situation was not worse that was true.
It was tough not knowing how to respond to his situation so I just told him that I was happy that he had found a place to stay.
Sally arrival saved us from the awkward silence. We gathered up our food and after thanking her we headed home.
We both loved Sally’s food and the chicken was really good. After dinner I did my homework and took my medication and headed to the shower. I knew from experience that it took it almost an hour to fully kick in. So by the time I finished showering I was beginning to feel it’s effects.
© Joseph Men 2005