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Josh’s Story

My name is Josh and I am 14. I have been the hospital for 4 days now. You see I am not doing so well. It all began to unravel about mid way through my 13^th year. I had begun to notice boys when others began to notice girls. At first I did not think too much about it but gradually it became painfully obvious that I was different and that others could see it to. No one was ever going to confuse me with one of those jocks from school. A guy named Mitch and his “friends” translate that to thugs. Beat me up almost every day. At first it was not so bad just shoves and tripping me and calling me a fag. But soon it got worse. One day they took me to this old house in the woods. It had been abandoned for years, then they made me suck them off. I hated it. They just laughed at me when I cried and begged them to stop. Then they told me that if I told anyone they would hurt me worse and told me that they would tell everyone what I had done. For a long time I fell for it. Then one day I got up enough courage to talk to my mom and tell her about being gay. She was great and supported me completely. She is the one that encouraged me to attend the gay youth support meeting. But I did not come completely clean with her. I was just too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone about what Mitch and his thugs were making me do. I mean if I had wanted to do it with them it would have been different. But being forced to do it made me feel like shit.

Mom had found out about the youth meeting and took me there. When I got there I noticed a cute boy my age in the newcomers group and I sat next to him. His name is Matt he is really nice and he has a boyfriend damn it. But there was something about him that made me trust him. He was nice to me and helped me feel comfortable there. When it came time to introduce my self and say how I heard about the group I just lost it. Matt just pulled me into a hug and I cried my heart out. Eventually Matt and the lady running the meeting got me to let go and follow her to talk to Mr. Tucker. He is a shrink and volunteers his time at the youth group. I liked him right away. He was about 50 years old and was kind of out there. There was no doubt he was gay but there was a calm confidence about him.

He looked over at me and said, “Josh why don’t you tell me in your own words what been happening.”

His eyes were full of compassion and somehow I knew I could talk to him.

The last year has been really bad Dr. Tucker. Some guys from my neighborhood have been beating me up, and calling me faggot.

Well about 6 months ago they started…” I looked down in shame.

“It’s ok Josh take a minute. Don’t rush.”

I grabbed a tissue and blew my nose and then said, “They beat me up almost every day. Then about 6 months ago they started forcing me to come with them to this old abandoned house in the woods near my house. They told me that if I did not they would hurt me worse and hurt my mom to. I did not want to do it. It would have been different if I wanted to but they forced me to. Then they called me a fag for doing it. They beat me up before and after I did it. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate them for what they have done. Tonight I guess I could not take anymore. I’m sorry for causing such a fuss.”

He broke in and said, “How old were these boys?”

“Mitch is 18 almost 19, Sam is 17, and Kevin is 16.”

He wrote down their names on a pad he had with him. Then asked, “Did they all force you to have sex with them?”

“Yes.”

Was it oral or anal sex?”

I blushed bright red, but I answered barely above a whisper, “Oral.”

Dr. Tucker said, “Josh the first thing you have to understand is that none of it was your fault. They forced you they are all much older than you. They took advantage of that fact. You are a very strong young man and I am proud of you for having the courage to talk to me about it. I am going to make sure that what has been happening will stop. Nobody should be treated like you have been. It is called rape and they are all going to go away for a long while. They will be charged with sexual abuse of a minor. They will more than likely be charged as adults. They will also be charged with assault. Mitch will be charged with assaulting a minor as he is over 18.”

I could tell he was angry but it was directed at Mitch and his goons. I felt so much better because I had finally found the strength to tell someone what I had been going through. But what he said next made me scared.

“Josh I am going to report them in just a minute. But I think that you and I need to talk to your mom. She needs to know what has been going on.”

He saw the look of terror on my face and he said, “Josh don’t worry I will help you tell her. I promise.”

I nodded but I felt sick at my stomach. The thought of telling my mom about all of this was not going to be easy. Just the thought of telling her what they made me do was too much.

So I said, “Dr. Tucker I will tell her about getting beat up but could you…”

“What do you want me to do Josh?”

“Could you tell her what they made me do, and why I did not tell her? I don’t think I can.”

He looked at me for a moment and I could tell he was weighing what to do.

Then he said, “Ok I can do that Josh. You have been through a lot and I am going to talk to her about getting you someone you can talk with.”

“How about you Dr. Tucker I like you.”

He smiled and said, “Thanks Josh but I don’t have a private practice. I promise you I will find you someone you can be comfortable with. Ok?”

I was disappointed that I could not see him but I was grateful that he was going to find me someone to talk to.

It was not long after that mom showed up and they brought her to where we were talking. She noticed right away that I had been crying and said, “What’s wrong Josh?”

Then she looked over at Dr. Tucker suspiciously and said, “Who are you?”

“My name is Dr. Tucker and I am a volunteer here for the youth meeting.”

“What kind of Dr. are you and what’s going on with my son?”

“Please sit down Mr. Simons there are some things that Josh needs to talk to you about. I am going to stay while you two talk. He has asked me to help him to explain what he has been going through.”

I could see that mom was not entirely satisfied with that answer but she did sit down beside me. She was confused but seemed to be willing to listen.

Dr. Tucker said, “Josh why don’t you start by telling your mom what has been going on with Mitch, Sam and Kevin.”

He saw the panicked look on my face and said, “You cover the part you feel comfortable talking about and I will tell her the rest.”

He looked over at me and I nodded.

“Mom, for the last year Mitch and his goons have been beating me up almost every day and calling me names. They have driven everyone away from me. All the guys in the neighborhood are scared to have anything to do with me. Now they have told everyone that I am gay as well…”

I stopped as I saw the look on my mom’s face she was furious. For a second I thought she was mad at me. But when I stopped talking she quickly realized what was happening and said, “Josh I am not mad at you I am mad at myself for not realizing how bad it was. You tried to tell me and I just chalked it up to boys being boys.”

She started to cry and said, “Josh please forgive me honey.”

I looked over at Dr. Tucker if she was taking this part so hard what was she going to do when she found out what they made me do? I began to panic.

Dr. Tucker noticed and broke in and said, “Mrs. Simons there is more to this situation that you need to be aware of.”

Dr. Tucker looked over to me for permission to tell her and I said, “Please tell her I can’t.”

Mom looked confused and scared. I could tell that she did not have any idea what we were talking about.

“Mrs. Simons Josh has asked me to be the one to tell you what else has been happening. Josh has been in a very serious situation for the last 6 months. He was forced to perform sexual acts on the three boys..”

Mom looked horrified and said, “Why didn’t you tell me Josh?”

I felt terrible when she said that.

“Mom please don’t be mad at me.” I pleaded.

Dr. Tucker broke in and said, “Your son was beaten up on a regular basis and told that if he said anything he would be hurt worse and that they would come after you. He thought he was protecting you.”

When Dr. Tucker said that mom seemed to almost collapse.

“Mrs. Simons you need to be strong for your son.”

She dabbed her tears with a tissue and said, “Honey I am so sorry. You tried to tell me and I did not listen. Please forgive me.”
I turned and hugged her and we cried together.

After a few minutes Dr. Tucker said, “Josh. Mrs. Simons we need to go over a few more things before I make the phone call to the police.

The police came and took my statement. It was not easy to go over what had happened but with Dr. Tuckers help I made it through it.

They assured me that they would be picking them up today.

It was the next day when I learned that they could not locate any of them.

Someone must have tipped them off.

When they went to interview him he was not at home. He had already been kicked out of school for fighting and his mom and dad had bailed him out of jail. It turns out he already had an assault charge against him. He had punched Matt and since it was his second offence he was automatically kicked out for the year.

Mitch was not at home and they did not know where he was. His parents were upset because he had not come home that evening they were worried they would lose their bail money.

That made me scared; now they would be running from the police and they would know that I had told on them. They had promised, that they would make me wish I was dead, if I told on them.

That made me really worried about going to school on Monday. I was worried about Mitch and his thugs and that people at school would blame me for Mitch being in trouble and told mom that, but she insisted that I go. She said that I had to face my fears and I could not let them control my life. All weekend long I wrestled with what to do. In the end I did not tell here. I just prayed they would catch them. But the weekend passed and there still out there on the lose.

I figured that I did not have much to lose at this point so I decided to take Matt up on something he had said at the youth meeting. He had invited me to sit with him and his friends at their lunch table. But he had warned me that it was the out table and if I sat there everyone would immediately assume that I was gay. All weekend I had bounced back and forth about sitting there. But I decided to do it. Boy was I nervous I went through the lunch line and the walk to the gay table seemed like it was miles long. I was so paranoid that I thought everyone was looking at me as I walked over and sat down. But when I looked around no one seemed to notice. For the first few minutes I was really shy but Matt would not let me stay in my shell and everyone was really nice. By the time lunch was over I was really glad I had sat with them. It felt so good to sit with a bunch of people who were like me or did not care one bit if I was gay or straight.

I remember how happy I was to have some people who seemed to like me as I was. The rest of the school day passed really quickly for me and got off at my stop and started walking towards my house. I had to pass by the woods to get to my house and I did not see them till it was too late. They dragged me into the woods, back to the old house. This time it was different they beat me up really badly. But they did not stop at there. Mitch was furious at me for as he said “ratting on him”. Mitch raped me. Those bastards held me down while he did it. I found out later that they took their turns as well. But I don’t remember that I passed out. I don’t know how long I was out. Fortunately for me a man out walking his dog found me and called 911. I did not come to till I was at the hospital. When I did I was in so much pain. I hurt everywhere and had to answer a lot of stupid questions about what had happened and who was there. I answered them as best I could and then they gave me something that made me go to sleep.

For a moment when I woke up I could not figure out where I was. Then I remembered and started to cry. That’s when my mom noticed I was awake. She gently squeezed my shoulder and said, “I am so sorry Josh.” I started to cry and told her, “Its not your fault mom.”

“I should have realized that they would try to get even for you reporting them.”

Mom called the nurse and told her that I was awake. She came in and took my vitals and then gave me something for the pain. My whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck and I was sick at my stomach. I asked the nurse, “What’s wrong with me?”

She said, “The Dr. will be in soon to answer any questions you might have. Now just rest for now.”

It was about only a few minutes till the Dr. came in and he talked with mom and me. He told me that I had a broken arm and a couple of broken ribs. Then he hesitated and said, “There was also some internal injuries from the rape. We had to go and in fix a few things. You will be on a liquid diet for a couple of days Josh.”

“Dr. how bad did they mess me up? I mean inside me.”

I was so embarrassed and humiliated that this conversation was happening at all let alone in front of my mom.

“Well there was some tearing inside. I had to go in and repair that. Fortunately it was not as bad as we had feared. You will heal completely from it. Your ribs will have to heal on their own. The arm will take about 6 weeks in the cast. You will need to have some dental work done later on as well.”

He paused and said, “Josh you will make a complete recovery physically. But I want you to talk to a friend of mine here. His job is to work with patients in your situation while they are in the hospital.”

My mom said, “What is his name?

"Dr. Turner."

"Thanks."

"Your welcome."

I was in a lot of pain so they gave me something to help me sleep. Mom stayed with me till I fell asleep. Then she went home to get some sleep.

When mom got to the hospital she told me she had spoken to Matt. Several times we had talked about her bringing someone to visit me. I had turned her down because I could not think of anyone I wanted to see right now. I did not think I could stand the looks of pity or disgust that I was sure would be there. She had asked me if I wanted to have any friends from my neighborhood over. I almost laughed at that one I did not have any “friends” left where we lived. There were people I spoke to but there was no one that would take the chance of actually doing anything “with the gay kid” Mitch had seen to that. Anyone in the neighborhood who had even looked like he would like to be my friend was quickly intimidated into leaving me alone. Then I thought of Matt and how kind he had been. I told mom she could him and see if he wanted to come see me. But I begged her not to say anything about what had happened to me. I guess I hoped it would not get out or at least I could have some time before it did. But when mom came back later in the evening to visit me I could tell she was upset. Then she told me. It was already out, people knew. So I told her not to invite Matt yet that I needed some time to deal with things.

The shrink from the hospital was coming by every day to talk with me. Everyone kept telling me it was not my fault but I still felt used and dirty. What they had done to me was bad enough but knowing that everyone knew about it just made it worse.

Physically I was still a mess. There was internal damage that was going to require some more surgery. My ribs, hurt every time I took a breath. I was still trying to get used to having a cast on my right arm. My nose was broken and it made it hard to talk and to eat. I had to take small bites because I had to chew them up and swallow them before I could breathe again. Having 2 teeth knocked out did not help much.

I still did not remember much after they took me into the house, and started in on me. I do remember that bastard Mitch on top of me and how much it hurt. If it were up to me I would take a dull knife and castrate him while someone held him down like they did me. They held me while he raped me how could anyone do that to someone I just don’t understand at all. Apparently they all took turns according to the detective who interviewed me. My skin just crawls knowing what they did to me. I hope they all rot in hell. I don’t know if I can face anyone ever again. They have me on some stupid suicide watch and that only makes me feel worse. GOD I HATE THIS! My life is so so so so fucked up. I don’t know if I even want to go on living but I do know that I want Mitch and his goons to pay for what they have done. They caught him but that night but his two goons are still on the loose. Mitch that bastard refused to say where they are. So even when I get out of here I won’t be safe. How fucking wonderful. I feel like I am going to throw up and it hurts so much when I do. I am on some stupid clear liquid diet till I have a chance to heal a little. It is all so sick.

It’s Saturday and I am still in here. Mom just left to home and change to go to work. She has been here for the last 3 days. I thought I was going to go home yesterday but the test on my kidney function was off. It seems that because of the severity of the beating it caused problems with my kidneys. Today the results were a little better they said. I should be able to go home Monday.

I know my mom loves me and I love her but she is smothering me. It’s bad enough that everyone knows what happened to me. They don’t even have to say anything I can see it in their eyes. They either look at me with pity or disgust and I don’t know which is worse. To them I am either to be pitied or a little fairy who got raped and probably liked it.

I don’t know what to do. Life was already hell before this. Now what will I face at school and in the neighborhood. If I leave things the way they are people will be going the poor little boy. If I come fully out as gay a lot of them will say I got what I deserved. They will say I wanted it. What bullshit.

Mom is trying so hard to be supportive and I do appreciate it I really do. But she just does not fully understand what is going on.

Dr. Turner and I have been talking a lot. He has asked me a bunch of questions and to tell you the truth he has helped some. But I can only see him while I am in here. He has recommended a new shrink for to see when I get out. He says this guy is gay and sees a lot of gay teens in his practice so I should be able to relate better to him. “Particularly when it comes to the added stresses that are there as a gay youth, as he put it.”

“Your new therapist is going to be Dr. Woodlief. I hope I like him.”

I guess I will Dr. Turner but it was hard enough to have to tell what happened to me the first time. Now I will have to do it all over again.”

He nodded and said, “I know Josh but it will be worth it. He can help you heal from all of this.”

“Dr. Turner will you stay with me when the police come to interview me today?”

“If you want me to.”

“Yeah it will hard to go talk about what happened and they are going to want to know details. I might need your help.”

“Ok I will be there.”

“Thanks Dr. Turner.”

“Your welcome Josh.”

A new set of police detectives came by yesterday and interviewed me. Their names were Jim Simmons and Randy Keys. Detective Simmons was obviously in charge of the investigation as he did almost all the talking. Apparently the case had been turned over to the new team because of the additional charges.

As I feared they wanted to know a lot more of the details. I am glad that I asked Dr. Turner to be there for moral support. It turned out that it was a very good idea. I had told them that I was positive about Mitch and the others. It was not easy to sit there with 3 men and tell them what I had been forced to do and about being beaten and raped. I felt like they were going to judge me. After all, guys were not supposed to get beaten up and raped. Not in our Macho world they were not.

Detective Keys must of felt that way because I could see the look of contempt in his eyes. Unlike Detective Simmons who was very considerate, and I felt comfortable with him. Things went fine till he got called out for a phone call. While he was out Detective Keys looked at me and said, “Look lets just cut the bullshit. You consented to having sex and then got mad at them and lied about it didn’t you?”

I was speechless it felt like someone stabbed me in the gut and I turned to Dr. Turner and asked him, “Please, get him out of here!”

Dr. Turner was furious and said, “Detective I need to talk with you in the hallway right now!”

He just got belligerent and said, “I am in charge of this interview right now and I will decide how it will be conducted!”

Dr. Turner said, “Either we step outside for a moment or this interview is over. Josh is in my care and I will determine when he is ready to be interviewed. Right now you are about to be reported to your superiors and I don’t think you will like what I am going to tell them.”

“Well frankly I would like to be off this case. I am sick and tired of having to go arrest some straight boy after some fag has stuck his tail in the air and then yells rape.” He yelled it so loud that I am sure the whole floor heard it.

I sort of overloaded I guess. Things felt kind of funny sort of detached and I tried to curl up in the chair. Everything sort of faded out. The next thing I remember was waking up back in my room.

Dr. Turner and my mom were talking. I could tell my mom was furious. She said, “I don’t care what it takes he is going to pay for saying that to my son. That arrogant bastard, how could he? Does he honestly think that my son wanted that to happen to him?” She was crying.

Mrs. Simon’s I have already reported him to his supervisor and he has been placed on administrative leave without pay till this has been investigated. His partner was furious with him I can tell you.”

I said, “Mom please lets not talk about it right now. I don’t think I can stand it.”

“I’m sorry honey I did not realize that you were awake.”

“Mom could you ask them to get me something, my head feels like it is going to explode.” Fortunately she did not question why I asked her she just left to ask the nurse.

When she left the room I asked, Dr. Turner is that what I am going to face for the rest of my life. People thinking I lead them on and deserved what I got?”

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “There will always be people who think that the rape victim is somehow to blame. It’s easier for them to believe that than to believe that someone who appears normal did something so terrible. But this is the important point, it was not your fault, none of it was. They raped you and beat you up because of their own hang-ups. Josh if you take nothing else from our time, please let it be that. You were and are not now in any way at fault.

As time passes you will have stages where you feel angry and frustrated. Sometimes you might feel depressed and guilty. Just know that these feelings are common in rape victims.

Just promise me you will be honest with Dr. Woodlief. I mean if you are feeling down and depressed don’t lie and say everything is fine. Be honest with yourself and with him. He is really good and can help you a lot if you let him.”

“I sighed, looked down and said, “Thanks Dr. Turner. I just wish you could be my therapist.”

“I know Josh. I wish I could but you know that I only see patients while they are in the hospital. That is my job to help them while they are in here.”

“I won’t have to talk to that asshole detective again will I?”

“No he is in big time trouble. He won’t be on your case anymore. Did you like Detective Simmons?”

“Yeah he seemed ok. Do you think he will be mad at me for getting his partner in trouble?”

“In the first place you did not get him in trouble he got himself in trouble.”

He smiled to take the sting out of his reply and said, “You have to stop blaming yourself for other peoples actions.

He is not mad at you at all in fact he asked me to apologize to for his partners actions. If you feel up to it he would like to talk with you sometime tomorrow. I have his number if you want I will call him and set up a time tomorrow? It would be good if you could meet with him Josh. The more information you can give them the quicker they can get them behind bars.”

“Will you be there if I do meet with him?”

“Of course I will. Now you get some sleep and I will let you know in the morning what time the interview will take place.”

“Thanks for everything Dr. Turner.”

“Your welcome Josh.”

He left and about 2 minutes later my mom came back in and said, “The nurse said she would be right in with something for your headache.”

“Thanks mom.”

She walked over and gave me a hug and I smiled back up at her. She might not fully understand what I was going through. But she was there for me and was willing to fight to protect me. I knew I was lucky some gay kids fared far worse with their parents.

It was only a couple of minutes later that the nurse brought in some medication for me. What ever it was, I did not stay awake very long. The next thing I knew it was morning.