Chapter 31
April 25
When I talked with Timmy he freaked just like I thought he would. He did not calm down till the next day when they caught the idiots. It turns out the school system had cameras installed in the hallways last summer. They were caught red handed on tape. Both of them were called to the office and sent home pending a formal decision to expel them. It did not make any sense to me that they would throw away their future over something like this.
The principle told my uncle that they would not be allowed to graduate with their class. On top of that they would be facing criminal charges of vandalism.
The police did talk to my uncle and while they were going to watch the situation they said the idiots were not related to Mitch and his group. They were two seniors who thought that it would be funny to teach the fag a lesson.
I can see how they thought they would get away with it. There were many times when I saw homophobic graffiti in the bathrooms and on walls. It was usually cleaned up with no comment or repercussions. Unfortunately for them, they did not take into account that there was a lot of pressure on the school, and the school board to stop that kind of idiotic behavior. I was glad they had caught them but there were no winners in this situation. It had been a gut wrenching experience for Josh, Timmy and I not to mention the other gay kids at school. It was yet another sign of how all too many people viewed gay people. We were objects to them not people. It is sad how many times history repeats itself.
I was not sure how the rest of the students would react to their being expelled and arrested but I figured that the next couple of days would be interesting for sure.
April 26
Things went better than I had expected today. The best sign of all was that it was just another day at school. The only hint of negativity all day was a few glares. But that was normal, nothing was actually said and my day went well.
April 27
Timmy was back in school today! I have missed him so much. Josh came back today as well. He called to let me know he was going to be there today. I asked him to meet me in the cafeteria so we could talk. But when I got there he was sitting with David and his boyfriend talking. So I decided to wait till later.
When I sat down they were talking about the two senior who had been kicked out of school. (Jim David’s boyfriend) said that was crazy to just throw away your future that way.
I said, “I guess they thought they could get away with it. After all I can’t remember the last time anyone got more than a slap on the wrist for harassing us. They just thought it would just be ignored.”
Josh said, “Well that may be the case but don’t expect me to feel any sympathy for them. They got what they deserved. I hope they do some jail time and then they can get a taste of their own medicine. They won’t be the high and mighty there that’s for sure. It’s about time someone paid attention to all the shit we have to take at school.”
David frowned and said, “I know Josh, but things are changing, too slowly I’ll admit but changing never the less.
Nobody messes with me but I have seen all too many kids gay or straight that were targeted for no reason other then the fact that someone thought they acted or looked gay.
I think we are somewhere near where the civil rights movement was in the early stages. Society was just beginning to change and there were many ups and downs as people fought to hold onto their perceived social privileges.”
Josh said, “What do you mean?”
Each society has its sense of order. What I mean is that each culture builds up rules some are written and some are just understood. That’s why discrimination is still so prevalent. It’s the unwritten rules that are so hard to change. They give each culture the sense of place. Each person understands where he or she fit in. However they are often used to keep sections of the population from achieving true equality. That sense of privilege that some have is at the expense of another section.
The unwritten rules are the ones that people fight the hardest to hang onto. That is why laws alone haven’t ended discrimination.
That is why you see people go to another country or even a different section of their own country, and get in trouble without meaning to. They say or do something that is accepted where they live and get in big trouble in another because they broke an unwritten rule.”
Everyone was looking at David like he was an alien. He had dropped his thick accent and listening to him I understood for the first time that I did not really know him at all. It was easy to think of him as a nice guy but I had made assumptions about him because of the way he dressed and talked. Listening to him just now made me realize that he was not just nice he was extremely intelligent and thoughtful. He always tried to project this image of someone who was rough and tough and did not give a damn. That is till you got to know him. I wondered how many other layers there were to him. All I knew was that I was grateful to have him as a friend.
He looked up, grinned and said, “What?”
I laughed and said, “Where did that accent of yours go while you were talking?”
Suddenly it was back and maybe even thicker as he said, “I found out a long time ago that it is better to allow people to under estimate you. That way you can figure out what they really think.”
Josh laughed and said, “So the accent is just an act?”
“No it’s not really an act. This is how I grew up talking. It just allows me to use people’s preconceptions to my advantage. When people hear me talk and look at how I dress they make assumptions. Often they think hick. That implies, in their minds, that I am not all that bright. Therefore they underestimate me.”
I blushed when he said that. He was right on the money. I liked him but I had used my own built in prejudice to make assumptions about him. It seems that I have a lot to learn still.
I turned to Josh and asked, “How are you doing?”
“I’m better thanks.”
He paused and brushed his strawberry blond hair out of his eyes and I thought to myself that he sure was going to break some hearts. When he started dating for real there was going to be a line waiting for the chance.
“Dr. Woodlief and I talked about what happened for almost the whole session. He helped me put things in a little better perspective.”
After that the talk around the table just drifted and broke into several different conversations. I had not had a chance to really see how Josh was doing but he did seem to be hanging in there. But right now was not the time with so many others around.
When the bell rang we all headed to our classes. I had everything I needed for my first class with me so I headed straight to it.
At least today I could concentrate and I felt like things were settling down again.
After my English class I headed to my new locker. When I arrived I saw something sticking out of it and I thought to myself “Shit what now.” I walked up to it and took a close look. It seemed to be a single piece of paper. I hesitated a second but then pulled it out. I opened it and saw that it was a hand written note. It looked like guys handwriting to me. But I was out of time right now, as I was needed to hurry to make it to my next class before the bell. So I folded it and put it in my pocket and grabbed my science books and headed to class.
Several times during the class I wondered what could be in the letter but I did not want to take it out in class. Don’t ask me why but I wanted to have some privacy when I opened it. So I pushed it out of my mind for the rest of the class.
When my class was finally over I headed to my study hall. I got there early and took a seat in the corner. That way I could have some privacy while I read the note. Now that it was time to read it I hesitated again. Things were just getting back to normal and I did not want to deal with any more crap. But I did not know for sure what was in the note. It could be good or bad. Finally I just reached in my pocket took it out and opened it.
It said,
“Matt, you don’t know me but I just wanted to say that I am sorry that I did not have the guts to say anything when you walked up to your locker that day. I have been hiding for so long that it seems almost impossible for me to change. As you might of guessed I am completely in the closet. No one knows. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode from living this lie. I am so sick of it.
I have a favor to ask of you. If you could help I would appreciate it. I just need someone to talk to about all of this. It’s not fair to dump on you I know that but I don’t feel like I can go to anyone else. I know this probably does not make any sense to you but that’s how I feel. I know where the bookstore is and I will come by this weekend on Sunday at 1:00 PM. If you are willing to talk to me please be there. If you are not I will understand.
Thanks”
There was no name or anything. I did not know what to think. It sure seemed that they were for real. The letter almost made me cry. I knew what he was feeling and what hell it was to always be on your guard so people would not find out. It made me realize all over again how lucky I was to be in a situation where I could be out and be myself.
At lunch I told Timmy about the letter and we talked about it. Because the guy was willing to meet in a public place we decided it would probably be safe to meet with him. At first Timmy insisted that I allow him to be there. But I eventually convinced him that if this guy was that scared and that he would never talk with someone else there.
I had tennis practice after school and Timmy waited and rode home with me. We came home and I sat in Timmy’s arms on the couch and talked. The whole time he just held me. Occasionally we would kiss but we left it at that. It was weird but what I was craving most of all was his touch. It felt so good to be in his arms and feel safe and loved.
When I had been imagining what it would be like to have a lover all I thought of was the actual sex. Now I knew there was so much more to loving someone. I was grateful for Timmy’s dad and my uncle making us slow down.
We had a movie in but neither one of us was watching it. My uncle let us alone and just puttered around in the kitchen fixing dinner. I had offered to help but he told me to spend the time with Timmy. It still seems unreal that I was so lucky to have come to live with someone who cared for me and understood what I was going through. Having lived through the experiences with my mom and dad and talking with others in the support group I knew things could get really bad for gay kids.
Dr. Woodlief was happy with the progress I was making. He had suggested that we drop back to once a month. He said I was really doing well and that I was learning to not bottle everything up inside. At first when he said it I was not so sure. But when I talked with Josh and explained how it was a slow process that had ups and downs I realized that I was indeed having a lot more up days than down. That was a real revelation for me as well as good advice for him.
April 28
Surprisingly there has not been much said about the locker incident at all. We did end up having a special assembly about tolerance and the rules were toughened for bullying and intimidation. But most of the school did not seem to mind at all.
I am enjoying being on the tennis team. While we have only had one match we have continued to improve in practice. The coach has complimented us both on several occasions. This weekend we are having our second match and I am really looking forward to it. Neil and I will be playing number 4 again.
April 29
Josh is really seems to be doing well. I am so proud of him. He really impresses me. Tonight at the meeting I saw him talking to a kid I did not know and I asked around about him. It turns out that he is from another school district and had recently come out to his parents and they were supportive enough to drive him the 40 some miles to our meeting. His parents had stayed for a while and talked with my uncle. I think they wanted to make sure that it was all legit. Sometimes people tend to believe all the stereotypes about gays.
It was too far for them to drive home and come back so they waited downstairs in the store till the meeting was over. My uncle had started doing that because we were now drawing people from as far away as 90 miles. So he was keeping the store open late so anyone who needed to could wait there.
The thing I noticed was that Josh was having fun talking with the kid. I guess I am kind of overprotective of Josh because my first thought was that if this kid hurt Josh I would go ballistic. Then I had to laugh at myself. Josh was just talking with him that was all. I would have to try to remember that he was a strong young man and that he could make up his own mind about things. After a while Josh grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down something and gave it to the kid. I figured he was giving him his phone number and had to smile. I was so glad for him.
When Josh caught my eye he motioned me to come over and said, “Matt I want you to meet Kevin he lives in Clarkson and is going to be attending our support group.”
Kevin shyly offered me his hand and we shook. Then he said, “So you and Josh go to the same school?”
“Yeah we do. So does my boyfriend Timmy.”
Kevin eyes widened when I said that and he said, “Wow that cool. I can’t wait to find someone to date.”
When he said that he blushed bright red as he realized he had said it with Josh standing right there. Of course Josh blushed as well. They were so cute together and I smiled thinking about how it had been when I first met Timmy. I really hoped things would work out for the two of them.
I called Timmy and he came over and I introduced him to Kevin. It was almost funny watching him look Timmy over. But soon his attention was back on Josh.
I just hoped that it would work out that they could be friends. It would give Josh someone else could talk to as well.
Tomorrow is Saturday and we have our second tennis match. I am looking forward to it. Then on Sunday I am supposed to meet the guy from the note in the bookstore. I was surprised when I told my uncle that he agreed that I should meet with the guy. However he insisted that Zack and Timmy keep a watch on things. He said he would take care of the register so they could keep an eye on me. We decided that they would be across the store where they could watch without being too obvious about it.
To tell the truth knowing that Zack and Timmy both would be there made me feel better about the situation.
Well its time to hit the sack. I hope I can help this guy. But I don’t know what exactly he wants.
© Joseph Men 2005