Chapter 38

When I woke up I got dressed and grabbed some cereal and headed to school.

When mom dropped me off I went to my locker. Today was Friday! Kevin would be meeting me after school and having dinner with mom and I. Then we were going to the youth support meeting. I could hardly wait. But at the same time I was so nervous that I could stand still. This would be my first date and I was happy, scared, giddy and apprehensive. Well you get the idea. I was bouncing off the walls.

The whole school day seemed to slow down to a crawl. Every time I looked at the clock it had hardly moved. My inattention got me a few lectures during the day but I did not care. After what seemed a month the final bell rang and I hurried to my locker and dropped off my books and headed out to meet my mother. As usual she was waiting for me and I jumped into the car and said, “Mom has he called yet.”

She just laughed and said, “Yes he called and his parents are going to drop him off at our place in an hour.”

I groaned when I heard that. I had another whole hour till we got together. My mom grinned at me and said, “Josh hon just relax and enjoy it. You just need to calm down and be yourself.”

“I know mom. It’s just that I have never been on a date before and this is kind of a big deal to me. It’s not as easy when you are gay. You can’t just go up to someone and say, ‘Hi will you go out with me.” That could get you beat up or killed. So when you find someone you really like that wants to go out with you it is a big deal. Especially one as cute as Kevin.”

I blushed when I realized how carried away I had been and mom just smiled and said, “Hon I am glad it has worked out for you. Just promise me that you will be careful. I know you get mad at me when I am protective but I almost lost you and I could not stand to go through it again.”

By the time she finished she was crying and I gave her a hug and said, “Don’t worry mom I’m going to be careful, I promise.”

She was still dabbing her eyes when she turned to start the car. When we got back home I ran to my room to change and get ready. It took me almost a half an hour to decide what to wear. I know how that sounds, hehe but it did take me that long.

When he finally arrived I was so so nervous. He looked gorgeous with his blond hair almost down to his shoulders and those blue eyes of his. They were a turquoise almost and overtime I stared at them I felt like I was getting lost in them.

My mom came out of the kitchen and I introduced Kevin to her. I was a little tense about how she would react to actually having my boyfriend over for dinner. But she was really good about it. We all talked in the foyer for a minute then mom said, “Why don’t you two go just relax for a few minutes, dinner won’t be ready for about 30 more minutes.”

Then she smiled and headed back into the kitchen. I turned to Kevin and said, “Do you want to go hang out in my room.”

“Sure.”

I had made sure to clean up my room when I got home so it would look ok. I did not want to scare him off. Hehe

My mom says my room looks like a video from after a tornado. But I really don’t think it is all that bad.

When we walked in he said, “So this is Josh’s room.”

I blushed and said, “Yeah.”

He looked around and saw that I had a XBOX and said, “I didn’t know that you liked to video games.”

“Well I did not have any friends and it gave me something to do.” I looked down embarrassed to have admitted how lonely I had been.”

He looked at me with a serious expression and said, “Well you have friends now.”

Fighting back tears I said, “I know and it’s great. Sometimes I still get scared its all a dream and I will wake up to things being like they were before.”

He stepped closer to me and gave me a hug. His voice was full of emotion as he said, “It’s not a dream Josh. I know that you have been through a lot. I want to be one of your friends, if you will let me, I like you a lot. If I ever say or do anything that upsets you please be honest with me and let me know.”

“I will Kevin. I like you to.”

Suddenly I realized that we were still in each other’s arms and I tensed up. I guess he felt it because he pulled back so he could look at me. Then he said, “What’s wrong Josh?”

I fought to regain my composure and I said, “Its not you Kevin please believe me. You know what happened to me? I looked up to make sure he understood and he nodded. Well sometimes it still freaks me and I get flashbacks. When I get them it is really hard on me. They make me freeze up and for a second its just like I am back there all over again. You did not do anything wrong. They come and go and sometimes I never do know what triggered them. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“You did not make me uncomfortable. I was just worried that I had done something.”

“No it’s just something I have to live with. Dr. Woodlief my therapist says they will fade in time, but it will take some time.”

The conversation had gotten so heavy that I looked for some way to change it. Then I remembered that he had mentioned my XBOX so I said, “Do you want to play some on the XBOX?”

He looked relieved as well and said, “Sure.”

After that we both shied away from any heavy topics. It soon became obvious to me that he had spent a lot of time on games himself. He not only held his own with me but was a little better. Of course that brought out the competitor in me and we battled back and forth for the entire half hour. Before long we were trading verbal jabs at each other’s playing skills and having fun.

Things were going so well that I was surprised when mom came to the door and said, “I hate to interrupt your fun but dinners ready.”

Kevin looked up at her and said, “Its fine Mrs. Simons it smells delicious and I’m starved.”

She laughed and said, “You can invite him back anytime Josh.”

I rolled my eyes and said, “I think I might do that.”

He stuck his tongue out at me and laughed.

Mom just shook her head and said; “Well wash up and I will see you both in the kitchen.”

She mom had gone out of her way to make the dinner special for me. We had mashed potatoes, which I love along with a roast. We had a tossed salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing. For desert we had strawberry shortcake, which is my favorite desert in the world.

 I admired Kevin’s confidence. He seemed completely at ease talking with my mom and dinner went really well.

After dinner we headed to the support meeting. I have to admit I was excited to be going to the meeting with my boyfriend. Showing up at the meeting with a boyfriend who liked me for who I was meant a lot to me. When we got to the meeting Matt and Timmy were there and they made sure that everyone knew we were there together. I did not know whether to be grateful or crawl under a chair because I was so embarrassed. But everyone seemed to be happy for me and after a while I began to feel more at ease. Kevin just seemed amused by it and asked me, “Are they always this excited for you.”

I blushed and shrugged my shoulders and he laughed.

Maybe it was a little shallow of me to be glad that everyone knew about Kevin and I and to know that someone could like me for who I was but I did feel that way. It gets old after a while, knowing that most people are uncomfortable around me.  Having Kevin be comfortable around me and wanting to be my boyfriend made me feel a lot better about myself.

The discussion group was interesting tonight. We were talking about maintaining a healthy body image. Anne our facilitator said, “That there is a real problem in society in general and with gay youth in particular with eating disorders.”

She made the statement and then sat back to let us talk about it. When she first said it I was kind of mad because I thought she was being negative. But once the group began to feel comfortable and open up I was shocked by some of the responses. It turned out that even in our group we had guys who felt pressured to look like some model. It got kind of heavy when one kid admitted he had been in the hospital twice from it. At the end of the meeting they handed out brochures with information about how to get help. It sure got me thinking. I noticed that Kevin was kind of quiet during the discussion and after it was over I pulled him aside and asked, “Kevin are you ok?”

“The whole discussion hit too close to home. I have a sister who has trouble with anorexia. It brought back some scary memories. She almost died from it.

Let’s talk about something else. Ok?”

When we got back to my house mom had some popcorn ready for us and we all watched a movie. I was shocked when the doorbell rang and it was Kevin’s parents. When I looked at the clock I expected it to be 9 or 10 at the latest but it was almost midnight.

When he was ready to go I gave him a hug and he kissed me on the check and smiled and said, “Josh I will see you next Thursday. I nodded I was already missing him and he had not even gotten out the door. I did not know how I was going to last till next Friday.

As soon as they had left I went up to my room. It had been such a good evening and I hated that it was over. My mom came up a few minutes later smiled and said, “Hon. you really like him don’t you?”

“Yeah I do. And it hurts that I can’t spend more time with him.”

“I know. When I was first dating your dad I felt the same way. We wanted to spend all of our time together. But that how life works we have all kinds of competing things that have to be taken care of. You and Kevin will find a balance I am sure. But you do have to remember that he lives over an hour away. So it is not easy on his parents or on me to transport you. I have spoken to his parents and they are willing to make sure that you two can have time together.”

When she said that I jumped up and gave her a hug and said, “Thanks mom.”

“Your welcome honey. Just remember that you should take this slowly. Take your time to get to know each other.”

Suddenly I realized what she was getting at and I blushed and looked up at her. She looked even more uncomfortable than I did.

I said, “Mom I know all about the birds and the bees. With what happened to me I am not going to rush into any sexual stuff. I am not ready for it right now emotionally or physically. Dr. Woodlief and I have been talking about it in my sessions.”

I was feeling a bunch of emotions right then. I was embarrassed, proud, and happy that she did accept me being gay. So many parents were unable or unwilling to accept their own children. We heard all about the accepting parents and the ones who were not happy but were dealing with it. But you still hear of the kid beaten up or kicked out.

I stood up and pulled my mom into a hug and said, “Thanks mom.”

“For what?”

“For caring and understanding.”

“Honey you’re my son and I love you. That means that I will be with you no matter what.”

My head was resting on her shoulder and I left it there for a minute. I had forgotten how good it felt to be in my mother’s arms. Maybe it was too babyish for some but to me it was a reaffirmation of my mothers love. No matter what problems we had in the past, I knew that she loved me and cared for me.

It hit me then that I had much to be grateful for. I was out to my mother and she accepted me and loved me. I had friends, who stood by me, and cared about me in my book that made me lucky. Sure I had been through some really tough times, and there were things from my past that would haunt me for the rest of my life. But I was moving on and trying my best to heal from it. From what Dr. Woodlief said it was going to take a while and there would be many ups and downs along the way. But I felt different now and it took a while for me to figure out why.

I had started the journey and was moving forward. I was no longer trapped feeling there was no help anywhere. There were people who did care, who stood by me. There was my mom, David, Matt and Timmy. Then there was Dr. Woodlief who helped me to see things from outside the box I was trapped in. He helped me to see that there was a life outside of the loneliness, hopelessness and pain. I knew there would be more crises along the way including the trial, but now I knew that I could make it through them.

For the first time that I could remember I felt real hope that my life had changed for the better.

Suddenly I felt my mom touch my shoulder, and say, “Honey are you ok? You seemed like you zoned out.”

“I sort of did mom. But it was a good thing. I was thinking of all that has happened lately, not just the bad but the good as well. It might sound corny but I feel like I have turned the corner and things are getting better. It sort of made me think.

She hugged me tighter and did not say anything. The silence lasted so long that I looked up concerned that something was wrong. When I did she was crying but she was smiling through the tears.

Then she put her hands on my shoulders and said, “Joshua Simons you have no idea how proud I am of you. What you have gone through would have destroyed most people. But you have had the courage and strength to take back your life.”

I pulled her back into a hug. I was so grateful for a mother who really did love me.

I whispered, “ I love you mom.”

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© Joseph Men 2005